"Christmas Eve"

by Bill Watterson

On window panes, the icy frost

Leaves feathered patterns, crissed and crossed,

But in our house the christmas tree,

Is decorated festively

With tiny dots of colored light

That cozy up this winter night.

Christmas songs, familiar, slow,

Play softly on the radio.

Pops and hisses from the fire

Whistle with the bells and choir.

My tiger is now fast asleep

On his back and dreaming deep.

When the fire makes him hot,

He turns to warm whatever's not.

Propped against him on the rug,

I give my friend a gentle hug.

Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for.

But I can wait a little more.

6,802,731,514

As of Decemeber 11, 2009, the world's population is estimated to be 6,802,731,514. That is a lot people. And out of all of those people, I am but one. But I feel like I can make a difference. Out of that 6.8 billion people there are those that are evil. And there are those that are good that fight against evil. There are those that are searching for something. And those that are about to find that really they have had what they were looking for all along.

There are those that pretend to be happy, and those that truly have found joy in their lives. There are those that feel like they are on the edge of giving in if it wasn't for one more day. And there are those that find unknown strength within themselves to overcome what seems like impossible odds. I think that I am all of these. And all I look for is one person that would love me as much as I can love them. I have never been very good at probability or counting the odds, but then again I am not really interested in knowing them anyways. Because though there may be 6,802,731,513 wrong ways for me to fall into love, all I need is one way to make it all worth it.

Walk Cycle

The very last project I have in my animation class is a walk cycle. To begin, I worked on this over Thanksgiving break, so I worked on it for a long time. And when I did do it, it turned out something like this... Walking to the Gym is the first draft.

So my professor's response was less than what I wanted to hear or expected. I had a two day deadline and she said it was too realistic. There would be too many things I would need to change to make it polished. The head was moving in a circle, the proportions were a little off, and the list would go on and on. At first I was discouraged. She was basically saying, good try but it is too difficult. Start over. So what did I do... jumped back up on that bucking bronco more determined and got to work. The result was called Self-Conscious Nude Beaches.

Well, I had a little more time on my hand, and since I don't like nudity... I decided to give the poor sap some clothes. And since, he had my original mood from when I was told to start over, I thought I would dress him like me. Here is my final version of The Mopey Walk.

Things just happen...

I have always wanted someone that could make me forget about everyone else. A person that could make me not want to ever look at anyone else because I am so interested, infatuated, and involved both emotionally and mentally. I finally find someone that is like that and I screw it up. I think it is interesting that it just always seems to happen that way. I might just not be ready right now or maybe I just need to be a little more patient. I will go with the latter, out of hopeful desire I guess. Either way, God is all I really need.

My Black Merona Leather Jacket

You ever have something that is eidetic? People can usually relate that to food, comfort food to be exact. Mine happens to be sushi. My family would always have rice on Sunday's for dinner. There would be chicken or some other main dish too, but rice was typically a part of it. And it was always sticky white rice. The kind that balls up really easily altogether. But we would get sushi on special occasions. And it wasn't just the sushi, it was the wasabi and the ginger. The smell and the taste are unforgettable. If you weren't careful that small green paste would almost clean you right out. So whenever I smell or eat or think about rice it brings back wonderful childhood memories.

This same type of thing I realized happens with me when, of all things, I wear my leather jacket. This jacket is pretty simple. Just a thin black leather jacket with a collar, pockets, and a full-length zipper down the front. But it is special to me for many reasons. I wear this jacket when I go to church. I wear it on dates. Plus, my parents both have ones that match the one I have and the one my brother has. I wear my leather jacket in the winter, which is one of my favorite times of the year because with winter comes Christmas. Christmas is sadly enough one of the few times where I finally can see people walking around smiling. So whether it is the fun times, the happy times, the times with my family, my friends, my mom, my dad, whatever it is when I wear that jacket it just opens me up and all of my senses. It is like a catalyst to a flood of memories and love. And so I can't help but feel better about myself when I wear it. And not only that, but when can a guy look better than in a good-looking and styling leather jacket? C'mon now...

Looking Too Hard

These last couple of days have been rather interesting, maybe even the last couple of weeks. I am impatient but I am changing this. I understood something tonight while I was dialing my phone. I am looking for someone and I haven't found them yet, or I have and I have yet to realize it. Because at times I want to express my undying love for people and at times I feel like it is all fake. That I said those things because I felt lonely. I knew that someday I will find that person that I am absolutely crazy about and I will know I found her, because she will be absolutely crazy about me too. I said those things because I had hoped that I already did find her. But I keep on looking. I haven't lost faith. For a time I did lose all hope of that day ever coming. And then I saw myself for a second from the outside looking in. It is my way of doing things... all or nothing. But again, it will happen eventually. I don't know when. But things happen to fall into place when they are just right. So it will just happen. I don't need to worry.

This whole time I had put that little problem too closely in front of my face that I couldn't see all the wonderful things in my life. I don't need to worry. God has given me so much that I do not deserve. In fact, I do not deserve anything really. But still, He has given me people who really do love me and worry about me. He has taken good care of me. I have a roof over my head. I have the Savior in my life. I have my health. I have my family. And I have my dreams.

I have a dream of living in my own home. Mine. No debt. Something that I can call my own. Maybe I will be an animator or maybe I will be an engineer. I think I will be an engineer. I think I will like that. But this is something I can share. And it will be a dream worth sharing, with a family. And kids. Lots of them. And a wife that I can share it with. Her similarities will help us understand each other and our differences will complement one another, making us complete. We won't be perfect and we will have our fights, our tough times, and all those things that lovers do. But we will make it through and we will do it together. It is not a lot. But it is enough. As long as I do it by doing what God asks. That way it doesn't have to stay a dream but can be an eternal reality. I can raise my children in the gospel. And I can watch them raise their children in the gospel. And eventually I will die and I will be happy and I will meet my Maker and He will say, well done. Welcome home and He will take me in His arms and I will know. I will know what dreams are really like and what love really is. And whoever she is, that special someone who I dream about. None of it would be worth it if she wasn't a part of it. It is the people in our lives that make our memories and moments special. She will be. She already is. She is my reason for living, my one and my only.

The World Is Just Scared

It is amazing how powerful words can be. They can inspire, enlighten, change the very world around us and the way we feel inside us. But sometimes this power frightens people. Saying somethings can produce some very interesting responses. For instance, the word love seems so underused contrary to common belief.

I am unusual in this but I believe that I truly do love people that I barely know. I have an uncanny ability of after a first impression to be able to find people's beneficial qualities and characteristics. I can see whether or not they have been hurt in the past and how. I don't know if it is a gift or a curse because I want to help them. And I have come to realize that the two best healers for those who are in pain, which really is all of us in some degree, is time and love. I am still working on the first one but I truly do love people. Each person is special but we can often forget as we see all these things in others that we forget it in ourselves. Or in the other extreme, we cannot find love because we can only see ourselves. Pride or doubt. Again the cure is love because true love is the opposes both of these. Love is selfless and confident.

I think that these two things are again what scares people the most. That anyone could love them so quickly or so quickly but to be confident enough to express it as well. There are people that I care for deeply that will never say those three words to me. Yet, I can say it to them unequivocally and with sincerity. Still, is that so wrong? I am confident and I love with confidence. Yes, it is immature at first but it is real. And like anything else, it can grow if it is given time and attention. At first, I'm not willing to do everything for my friends. Everything is not enough. I am willing to do anything. Many times, this is used against me but it still doesn't stop me. I learn from it and I grow because of it.

I am a lover. I am a giver. And I'm not afraid to say what I think and feel. I go against the world. It is fear of the truth. But the truth just doesn't disappear or go away. So I will keep on dreaming and living and loving. Three little words that mean so much that are never said enough. The world is just scared.

SacMan

The new and revised version... (below)

Racquetball

The new and revised version... (below)

Animations

Hey I am taking a fun class in college that I have wanted to take for a while. If you can't tell by the title of my blog, I love cartoons, but I also like cartooning so my animation class has been such a relief and an outlet nowadays. It has been so much fun. If I had the time, I would put my sketches up here too but Rome wasn't built in a day. This will be a start though. In our first animation we were asked to make a ball and have it bounce... my racquetball bounces away and explodes. The second one we were asked to animate a sack of flour... my sack decides to wake up, stretch a little, and then jump off to work. They are pretty basic but we drew them frame by frame so they are a lot of work but also a lot of fun. Tell me what you think!

Riddle Me This...

So I have a question for all you wonderful women out there. I don't understand something and it has happened to me a lot more than I would like. I was always taught that you mean what you say and say what you mean so in that way we can communicate. Anyways this will make more sense after I say what happened and it is this... Why would a girl who is not single say yes to a date with another guy? I get the excuses that I seem like a nice guy, what else was she supposed to do... say no? I'm not angry but I would like to understand. If anyone could explain this to me, I would really appreciate it. I know they don't want to hurt me or lead me on but what do they expect. Heck, one girl actually went on the date with me and I didn't find out until later! I don't understand. Help me out please, because I have no answers and I'm not getting any. Is this my fault?

I Think I'm Lost...

One of the things I am beginning to realize is that love really is a natural thing. You can't force it and you can't make it appear. In fact, the harder you try to less likely it is going to work. It is a sad fact really. I keep trying to find that perfect someone and all I end up doing is finding myself alone on those long Friday nights typing and drawing away on some project or paper that I didn't want to start or was even planning on starting because I thought I was going to be busy. Funny how things work out.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am trying too hard. I thought people wanted to know that they were special, that they were worth loving, and that there really are people out there that are willing to go the distance to not only say it but show it too. But guess again, I appear to be wrong. If I just didn't care, things would come together. My happiness shouldn't be dependent on whether or not I have somebody to love. I should be able to love everyone and that includes myself. I should be okay with being alone, because in all reality that is a lot of what life is... loneliness. You and the big guy upstairs... Or at least that is kind of the message I am getting. Maybe that is another interpretation for the scripture that says you need to lose yourself to find yourself. I should stop trying so hard and let it go and then love will find me. In any case, I think I am definitely heading in that direction because I have gotten to that point where in denial I can say that I just don't care. Why? Because number one I do care and two if love was a language, I am definitely lost in translation. I am lost.

Sense in the Silence

The time spent unspoken is most precious to me. It is when I reflect, I feel, I grow, I sleep, I ponder, and I wake. I awaken to a true sense of reality. Can I ever find what I am looking for? Do I wish for something that does not exist? When we hold on to what we know, we hold on for dear life. Or at least that is what I do. Because there is so much that goes on in my mind. So many thoughts. So many voices. Some that lift me up and others that try to tear me down.

But I can run. I can run to the protection of the face that we all put on. I can be whoever I want to be except our self. That is the wonderful thing about going home. I can not avoid it. I can only be myself when I am surrounded by those who know me best and love me for it. No pretending. Why can't I always find a home where I am? Am I just scared? So I keep on running.

All I know is that it is in this silence that I find true love. Not a selfish love but a peace that is not found anywhere else. I find truth in that simple yet profound statement that you are really never really alone. I can find myself in the silence. Sometimes I don't like what I find but that is the beauty of life. It is not over and I still have time to change. I haven't grown into who I really am. At least not yet. But once I have been able to do that, I will be able to find the rest of who I really am in those that I love. I guess that is why I keep looking. Life is so lonely without someone to love or be loved by. It will come. It always does... eventually.

What I love had become my number one enemy...

It always seems that when you finally begin to find yourself, you realize that you have been lost for a really long time. Distractions, illusions, and misunderstandings have been the things that you have called truth and the foundation to your happiness. It was wrong, but right at the same time. Many of these things typically are not bad to begin with. They only become so because too much of a good thing can be exactly what you don't need. This applies to a lot of different things in my life, whatever it may be but lately I have found that music has become a problem for me.

When I listen to music it has such an affect on me in so many ways. It energizes. It soothes. It heals. It numbs. It excites. It impassions. It puts my mind in whatever place I wish it to be. I just wish I didn't have to let it become such an addiction. It is hard for me not to go around and have music thumping all the time through my apartment, through my headphones, through my head, and it is a problem. I can't hear anything else.

I do not have any time to listen to the silence, to think, to receive revelation, I have cut myself off. I have become my own worst enemy. It weakens my resolve, my connection to the Spirit, my strength. It in all reality did exactly what I intended it to: numb me and bring me out of reality. I forgot what I really needed because I was willing to replace true comfort with a temporal one. It wasn't bad music or music that drew away from the Spirit, it just never gave any room for it. God won't scream over the top of the tune you choose to listen to.

It is sad, because is not the first time something that I love has gone from my number one of one extreme to the other. Stick to the fundamental principles and the basics, because there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Don't be stupid.

Lyrics...

There are so many songs out that I like, Crush by David Archuleta, Fallin' For You by Colbie Caillat, Everything by Michael Buble, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, My Wish by Rascal Flatts, Keeper by Yellowcard, Perfect Chemistry by Nevertheless, and so many more. If I could sum up my thoughts and feelings in a word... dreamer. I love to dream and I dream about love.

I feel like if there is anything I could do, it is fall too quickly and say too much when it comes to my heart. My poker face is a smile. I can't do it and there is nothing to explain. Even though I have a lot of fun, I hate playing all these games that leave me cold and empty. Whether I listen to your silence or your speeches, all I hear is a nothingness that makes my ears bleed. It is a lot of meaningless. You are saying nothing at all. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't just try to fill the air because it is there. I can't love a facade and so I never put one up, because I want to be loved for me. Don't be who you think you should be, but be yourself. It takes so much less effort and so much more courage and strength to be yourself. Can you even remember who you are anymore with all of the pretending. Why does being ourselves feel so wrong?

The craziest part of this pulling desire is that I can't stop searching no matter the cost or the pain. It is like a drug, an addiction, a bleeding scar. It is a lonesome battle of the heart. I live my fears when the ones that I love can't love me in return and at times I become my own nightmare for those that I call friends. Just friends... what irony because I hope to love my best friend. What a crazy idea. It is a thought that escapes me. It eludes me. It is in all reality, a dream. Something I have yet to find, and in the meantime burns a hole in my soul every day as time passes me by.

I guess this is why I love music: It lifts me up for that small moment to breathe life into a lonely broken heart. It is broken but not beaten. I don't give up easily because if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth fighting for. And so the music keeps me keeping on, one heartbreak, one heartache, one heartbeat at a time. Lyrics have always been my great escape.

Kreativ Blogger

My dear friend Britt of No One Can Remember the End has nominated me for the Kreativ Blogger award! Britt is pretty much one of the most extraordinary people I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know and to love. She is incredible and her blog reflects how passionate she really is. The world is missing out the longer this legend stays in the shadows. So let's shed some light on her and check her out today!

According to the rules, I must:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

Here comes the lucky seven...

1. I love art. I love looking art. Buying art. Drawing, doodling, cartooning, painting, photography... I find meaning in the colors, the shades, the subjects, the style... I love looking at the world around me and try to capture the moments so that I can revisit them and relive them everyday. Art is something that helps me hold onto what I love most about my world. I have a collection, to say the least.

2. I used to hate the dark but I have come to embrace it. The night is when I come alive. I love to go on walks at night. It is peaceful and so alive at the same time. I love the lights of darkened sky. I love the sounds of the forest when the world is asleep.

3. If I am having a bad day, I escape by going and doing one of two things: listen to music or buy new music so I can listen to it.

4. One of my favorite comfort foods is sushi. It reminds of the times I spent with my dad.

5. I would rather split my food at restaurants with those whom I am eating with, if it was more socially acceptable, that way we could try more meals.

6. I play the alto saxophone, the piano, and when I sing, I claim to be a bass.

7. I have an addiction to travelling and I want to see the world, at least every continent.

And now the winners are...

Karin and ...and Then I Found Five Dollars

Ty and big.T.money

Bre and Breanna Meldrum

Sky and Shaylynn and Our Homeworld

Macdonalds and Oregon Eugene Mission

Laura and Britt and The Beginning of Blue January...

... in order to keep his anonymity we present last but not least...

#7 and A Writers' Block

No One Else Can...

No one else can love you like I can. Why won't you stop looking around? Stay with me. Look at me and at my soul. Don't look away from my eyes. Why do you refuse to see what I do here with me? I wouldn't do anything for you but everything and all you ask is that I do nothing at all. Why can't the world turn backwards in time to that day when I first saw you? I would take you in my arms and never let the feeling go of you. I wish you would hold me too. I hope that you would say what I having been wishing you had said all along. But you dance around it and bite your lip til it bleeds. That smile is like poison to the brain. I can't figure out what it means because your lips never say what they mean. Love is all too slow. Maybe that is why I am running... and I am alone. I can't stand the drama, how complicated it becomes, and all the excuses. There will always be a world full of reasons why things shouldn't work out but what about the one reason that says that it can. It should. Why can't that reason be us? Stop your talking and let's try. Stop guessing to see how it can fail. It is failing already because we haven't even begun. So let's stop trying to dig the grave and let's fall. Let's fall together. Let's fall in love.

Man of Miracles

God is so amazing. He is such a perfect gentleman. I was having a rough time these last couple of days but I am good at hiding it. I don't know why I do but I like to pretend. Things don't go away if you don't handle them, but I like to pretend. Eventually I had to come back to my problems and I couldn't handle it. It was too much. I decided to turn to Him in my weakness. I felt bad because we hadn't talked as much as we should have in the last little bit. He loves me when no one else does so He listened. He knew the prayer in my heart and as I started to speak He gave me my answer. The answer was Him. I needed to learn of Him. Study Him out. Seek Him. And as I search, I will find Him in the very last place I will look, in me. He is with us all but we can only truly find Him when we are trying to follow Him. He is there. At times, I stumble because of what He asks of me, but that is because of my pride. He was reaching out all the long and I chose not to reach for Him. I thought it would take more than trying to make it on my own.

It was amazing. I heard His voice, found Him speaking to me in song, and then He put angels in my path to let me know that I wasn't alone. He really does love me. I need to repent. I need to read. I need to pray. I need to go to the temple. I need to be ready. I need the Man of Miracles.

The Color Code Test

Last night one of my roommates, Scott and I were discussing an amazing book and personality test called the Color Code. It was funny because the first time I took this test seriously, it changed my perspective on myself and how I interact with other people. I still really need to read the book so I am probably going to check it out of the library some time this week, but anyways.

What I discovered was that my personality was a blue with a secondary of white. Let me explain for those who do not yet understand the color code. There are four colors: blue, white, yellow, red. These represent personality traits, desires, strengths, weaknesses, and so forth. Just go take the test! But what I remember is the desires of these four colors: red (power or control), yellow (entertain or have fun), white (peace), and blue (loyalty or intimacy). It is interesting because these are all good and bad qualities at the same time depending on the situation and sometimes they can become polarized. Yellow and white or red and blue. And sometimes, people can be a red blue... or a red with a secondary color of blue. The secondary color reflects a background personality and the first color is the primary personality.

I found our discussion interesting last night because I made some connections in the way that I communicate with people from the color code. If I was to describe myself when it comes to personal communication, I am fantastic in certain settings and I die in others. When there are big groups, I become quiet and reserved. I hate to be put in the spotlight. Don't get me wrong, I am fine when I am speaking to everyone, it is when there is a group of people and I want to talk to one specific person. I look for personal relationships with people and so when there are crowds I don't like standing out and breaking the mold, the breaking of the peace.

When I am able to be alone with someone though, I typically am able to open up and they open up in return. It becomes a full 360 degrees. We are able to joke, talk, touch, and really get to know each other. In a one-on-one situation, I really perform and can be my true self. This is a perfect reflection of my blue-white. I want to love people but I won't intrude. I will be the quiet gentleman and wait until they finally decide what they want. I want to be understood. I want romance. I want to have fun and to smile. I want to love and be loved. I am blue. I'm blue da ba dee da be die... I'm blue (if I was green I would die).

Just Sometimes

I'm the kind that sometimes sings in the shower. The kind that sometimes falls asleep in the shower. I'm the kind that sometimes drives too fast. Sometimes I move too fast. Sometimes I move too slow. I'm the kind that sometimes smiles for no reason. Sometimes I smile to see if anyone will smile back. I'm the kind that sometimes listens all too well. I'm the kind that sometimes thinks too much. Sometimes I'm completely random and spontaneous. Some days I need a plan. Sometimes I'm the kind that listens to music on the go. Sometimes I sing as I go. I'm the kind that sometimes will be the clown. Sometimes I am the one that dreams. Sometimes I am the one that gives into my fears and into my reality. Sometimes I am who I want to be. Sometimes I don't like who I have become. But no matter what happens or what I choose to do or see, I will always be no one else but me.

No Time To Talk

Communication is a subject of importance because without it we simply don’t understand each other. We communicate in so many ways, many of which are without words. When we communicate, what we say is important but it is the smallest percentage of what we truly “hear” when we take the time to listen. The tone in which we speak, the body language we portray, everything we do affects more than what we in all reality say. I find it fascinating because our society has changed so much from a personal face-to-face communication to an increasing electronic world. Are we really benefitting from it or are we killing our already incredibly “social” society.

I have come to the conclusion that we are losing the ability to communicate. The art of public speaking and writing are fading. In defense, we still have our actors and actresses, players and playwrights, politicians and political debaters, and we find our own way to communicate even to those who in the past were beyond our reach. We now can communicate all over the world! I, a poor college student, can literally see my parents every night if I so choose all the way across the country. Tell them how I feel, how I did that day, everything I so desire. We have modernized our way of speaking.

There is a lot of good with all of this. There is a lot of things that can be misinterpretted in nonverbal communication. With all of that out of the way, it is a lot easier to content communicate. Mean what you say, say what you mean. Simple. Easy. Blunt. For a fast pace world, it is efficient to not have to worry about all those mixed signals and get straight dry cut answers. Isn’t that the point of technology to make things efficient, fast, and simple? But what have we lost and at what cost? Personal communication is dying in the onslaught of technology.

How has this happened? It starts with being behind a computer, a phone, or a television screen. How truly “social” can we be? We talk about how we can communicate so quickly using these new tools. But is it really faster to have a conversation through text messaging when your fingers are typing everything on the keypad of a phone designed to hold that conversation verbally and can be said that much faster than many of us can type? It is the same with Instant Messaging. But you can have multiple conversations at the same time! Then are we really communicating with any of these people in the first place? Communication is two way. Not only the ability to deliver information but to accept it as well. I really don’t think someone is listening when they are listening to everyone at the same time. If we can do that then maybe we just don’t even care.

Still, I think we do care but a majority of us, as the oncoming generations, are losing this art of expressing ourselves fully. We get lost or miscommunicate because we lack the experience to understand the nonverbal communication, since it is no longer necessary. I think my youngest sister is noticing it the most since she is without a cell phone or a facebook and she is in middle school. She is so deprived because her modernized social network is dependant upon those things.

An example that strikes closer to home, I struggle at times to say the right thing at the right time. I think we all do, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I am one of those that at times, may over analyze, second guess myself, clam up a little bit at first, because I get nervous around some girls. I am worried if they will find me interesting, attractive, or if I will say something stupid. But that is just because I am interested. The more I thought about this, the more I realized that is why a lot of the time I may attract girls that personally I’m not interested in. Because when I’m not worried or thinking so much, I can be more of myself. I’m comfortable. Again, this all only applies to when I am talking to them in person. Why? Because otherwise, it doesn’t seem as real. There is no person there. It is a phone. There is no one there to take your breath away or laugh at you or distract you. But it is also because like I said, many of us lack the experience or haven’t developed this art of nonverbal communication. We don’t understand and so we question ourselves.

I find it funny to watch a boy on his cell phone texting a girl. He takes all the time in the world to come up with the perfect line, revising it, asking for suggestions from his friends on what they would say, and it becomes a joint project of testing out what actually works. It all makes me laugh. If he was actually in the moment, talking to her, how would he really respond? Would he stutter, stumble a little bit, laugh it off, ignore the question, or a thousand of other scenarios? This is what I think about. Our lack of understanding or use of nonverbal communication obviously affects our one-on-one face-to-face personal relationships. It affects them directly.

How can you foster it? I dunno. Practice? It is still a mystery to me and I definitely can’t translate girl. But I do know that it remains interesting as long as it doesn’t become awkward. Both parties have to be equally invested in a conversation and be actively involved. But you also can’t force it. You can’t force someone to be interested in what you have to say. Trust me. I have tried on numerous occasions with girls I really liked. It doesn’t work. So never try to be something you are not. Be yourself because that is what people are looking for anyways. To sell yourself, be yourself. It is that simple. And I understand that saying it is one thing, doing it is another.

We all put walls up at times. Sometimes, it is just the wrong time. Sometimes, it is the wrong person. Sometimes, it is the wrong time with the right person, and vice versa. Who knows? Maybe patience is the key because we all have a bad day once and again. Other times, it is best to be hundred percent open with things. But it is all trial and error. When Edison was being asked about all the trial and error he had with inventing the light bulb he said, "I didn't fail, I found 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb; I only need to find one way to make it work." It all works out in the end. It always does. We just need to be persistent in following our dreams and work step by step. Before I can understand women, I first need to be able to communicate with them. I know. A big dream, right? Understand women. But when it is right, it will be natural. It will be easy. We won't even have to try. So I guess the best way to find out, to do that myself and see if she will follow suit. And when it happens, I will be the happiest man alive. I might finally be understood.

The Poem I Wrote One Sunday Afternoon (March 18, 2007)

I often find that as I reflect on my life, at times I see that I have done wrong.
I wonder if I can be saved and with a prayer in my heart and my voice in song,
I see in my mind my Savior with all the little children around him and on his knee.
He looks up and calls me by name because he knows me, individually.
He talks to me, my exemplar, my brother, my friend.
His words are simple and strong but I don’t know if I can endure to the end.

Then I see him smile with love in his eyes, bringing to me the most peaceful calm.
I reach for his outstretched hand, grasping it over the hole in his palm.
He takes away my sins and burdens, lifts me up so I can stand,
So I will try to do the same for you, if you will just take my hand.
He heals me, completes me, saves my soul as I am up against the wall.
I pray to him and I know him, trusting through his love, he'll answer my call.

I want to walk where he walked, talk how he talked.
He was the best He could be, and so He died to save you and me.
Love is not just a feeling, but a state, a state of being.
It is what people do, how you treat people and how they treat you.
Just your actions and what you say, affects someone somewhere some day.
So live your life right, that when you leave this earth where you roam,
Our Father will say, well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home.

It's All About Perspective (Novemeber 7, 2006)

I used to be fine when I thought I was doing everything right,
But now I feel weak and empty inside, knowing I did wrong.

My heart was no longer mine and blind was my sight,
Now I’m learning through the pain and it makes me strong.

All my grief had covered my day and turned it into night.
And I realized that I didn’t matter, I was just the pawn.

It still hurts when those thoughts come to mind that I fight,
Still I will get by because He is here and helps me along.

I see that Man is my enemy and He is my one true light,
So I will praise his works in action, word, and in song.

They only see me, but I see Him, His arms 'round me holding tight.
I hear Him, read of Him, love Him, from dusk ‘til dawn.

I can’t trust them anymore ‘cept Christ, He is my strength and my might.
And I will always love her, even though I’m here and she’s gone.

Funny how when things go wrong, you look again, and can make it alright.

To Girls... (December 4, 2006)

Dear Girl,

I just thought that you should know that I love you for the way you are. I don’t care that you think you have imperfections, because I can’t see them. I can only see you. I see you in the world around me. I see you in my dreams. I will think about you before I ever meet you. I will think about you when I am with you. But most of all, I will think about you when you are gone. I will comfort you when you are hurt or in pain. I will help you when you are confused or in need. I will hold you tight when you are afraid or cold. If I ever hurt you, than I am sorry for how that makes you feel. I am not sorry for the good times or even the bad times because that is how we grow. Don’t lie to make me feel better or not tell me what is wrong. But if you cry, know that I am crying with you even if it is only on the inside. Know that you are my reason for living and why I choose to wake up each day. If I don’t show you that you are special or treat you with respect, than please, please give me another chance. In this life, none of us were made to be perfect or complete and so God gave me you. So give me a moment and an opportunity to show my love for you. When I kiss you, kiss me back. When I embrace you, never let go. When our eyes meet, I hope you will smile too. When I hear your voice, I will always look for you. When I talk about you, I will never say an unkind word or allow others to either. When I laugh, it is because I love just being with you. I hope you will understand that I will never lie to you because I would do anything for you. And if you break my heart, I will never forget you and though, it may take time, I will always forgive you. You are stunning and you are beautiful, sometimes cute, but never hot. Because you are more than just a person and a body, but a spirit, a daughter of God. You are my strength and my purpose. You are my one and my only. I was privileged to know you and blessed to love you.

I will always be here,Your faithful boy

My Feelings on Physicality (February 3, 2007)

It has taken me some time to realize the innocence that I lost as I grew from a child, and it has taken even longer for me to see what that innocence was once again. I have to thank for that the simple opinion of a friend and my own testimony given to me by the Holy Spirit. As I grew up in my home, I had a sincere respect for my family and my parents, but most of all to my mother. I had seen how my words and my actions, no matter how simple, could both destroy her and lift her up; a simple act of rebellion or a simple act of love. I have always considered myself as some sort of romantic in this time, in our society of quick action and hasty relationships that often lead to bitter pain. I have believed that women even back to Eve were always more innocent, loving, forgiving, and fragile than man. That is why God created Eve from Adam, to support him and help him through the tough times, together as one.

It is through this sacred union, this oneness, that a true marriage and true love can be found. It is through self-sacrifice and giving all of yourself to another, even to protect them at all costs from sorrow and from pain. Yet, the Son of the Mourning has been able to manipulate this love to make it an easy thing. Something unimportant that can be given away at will. This is not true. Every act of love, every emotion, feeling, sensation, every impulse is sacred. These are special to ourselves and to those we chose to impart them to. Every action, from an embrace to a kiss, has a sacred and special meaning. It is an act of trust, compassion, and of tenderness.

Since I was a child, I had always thought that the kiss and the love that was shown to me between my parents was something sacred. The way that my father would always try to protect and love my mother, even when it seemed to me that she was weeping over the petty things in life. The way she would always have us respect and honor him. This is what our Heavenly parents are like, I believe. No, I know this to be true. So, now I know and I want to share with you, whom ever you may be reading this, that I believe even the smallest acts of love and service, whether a kiss or a courtesy that shows to men that chivalry is not dead, can be seen as an act of God. God gave us bodies. We are supposed to control and redeem them as the holy temples which they are.

I used to not support my own claims and had problems controlling my own body and especially my own thoughts, for every action that we take is not on impulse but on premeditated practiced forethought. I have seen and done things that I sincerely regret, and now I wish to return to my innocence, that I will once again not believe that our every actions are insignificant and go unnoticed. There are eternal consequences for our every action and God is watching.

I had been offered to give part of my love away without any strings attached and I hesitated. Why would I hesitate? I hesitate because I am afraid to love them and that I will not be loved in return. I am a afraid that after I give away even my first kiss that if not given in the right moment to the right person, like some of my friends back home, I won’t be able to get it back. I have seen virgins, in the literal sense, fall into tears and retreat behind their strong facades, after loosely letting go of what is most dear to them. I will not put my love like a testimony before the swine. I will only share it with those that are willingly to love me back. I am proud to have never kissed anyone and I no longer care if that fact doesn’t change for years to come. If I am to share my life with someone, I want that eternal relationship to be as special and sacred to me, and to her, as it can be. I have taken advantage of the gifts that I have been given and I have felt godly sorrow for the sins that I have done. So it is my prayer for us all, for me and for you, that we can be strong enough to do what we know is right and face our temptations and see them as what they really are. They are just temporary, empty pleasures of the body, which can not bring the eternal happiness and joy that lifts the soul.

You may think I really overdid this but I have had personal problems that I had not yet forgiven myself for and because of that was unwillingly to share myself with anyone. Now that I have fully repented of those sins and thought deeply about what is in my future and what choices I have to make here, I know that this is how I truly feel. In my typical language, this is what I believe, take it or leave it.

Silence Isn't Really So Silent

One thing I never can quite figure out is the idea of silence. Don't get me wrong, I am a good listener and when it is my turn to do so, that person has my undivided attention. But when no one is talking, something always is. There are so many sounds, thoughts, feelings that we consistently listen to all the time. We are always communicating in some way or fashion and I find it a interesting subject. Most of our communication, as a society, isn't so much what we say, but how we say it. Our tone, body language, as a visual society these things typically say much more than our own words do. So I find it interesting that most times our voice is heard not heard so much by someone's ears as much as it is felt in their hearts.

Takes a Little Faith

One of the things I love doing is sorting through old things and finding stuff. You never know what kind of treasures live in the dusty notebooks, sketchbooks, journals, or boxes that can fill one's life. So many memories are captured both by the mighty pen and by a single picture. This is one of those such treasures that I love...

"Takes a Little Faith"
You confuse me, abuse me.
Your eyes betray your word
because your emotions are clearly blurred
I lied and said that I see

You smiled and laughed as you took
the kiss that shouldn't be given,
My angel from hell and heaven
and I smiled back with 'that look'

You don't make sense contradicting.
You kiss me with passionate force
telling me now, of course
Never again, which is so afflicting.

Why lie and hurt me so
when I can see what tomorrow brings.
Another day starting with singing
songs that bring me high so I can fall low.

Even though these feelings you fear,
waiting for what is meant to be
because I hope that you look for me.
And I will always be here.

We can fall asleep together
In each others' arms below the setting sun.
You and I, our souls are one
because what this is can be forever.

We just need to avoid speaking our minds
when we should speak from our hearts.
Words filled with enough secenes and parts
to drop your mask so be with me, be the loving kind.

I thought you'd know, be the one to understand.
I thought after all this time you'd begin to see,
how I care and gave you the secret parts of me.
Why can't you accept the kind of guy that I am?

I thought that what we had could last,
I thought that we recognized what we feel,
so all I could do was share what was real,
but you just moved on while I fall on past.

I thought that you wouldn't just use me.
I believed in people and the good of mankind
that's why this is such a confusing state of mind.
But I won't fall to the fear of what could be.

I believe in miracles, the possibilities, you and me.
Why couldn't you just have stopped to believe?

It is a rough peice of work... obviously. I put it aside and I will probably do some revisions and things so if you have any suggestions, critiques, etc. Let me know! It is interesting. I could have been hurt so many times in my life but I choose to just give away my heart instead of asking for it back. Love and lose, because I never had it anyways. I give without price. What a foreign concept to so many people? Freely giving, even with love. Anyways, good times and good people. But ya, I need suggestions, feedback... I NEED HELP! =) I need someone to love.

Oh What A Wonderful World

I think it is utterly amazing how the world just seems to keep on spinning. We hold on without really knowing because if we didn't we would be flung out into the utter oblivion, but it is not without reason. We hold on because as the world spins, in one second life may have turned into the bottom of the barrel with nothing to look forward and no light to guide you, but then it turns once more. You find yourself in a place where you just don't even begin to care. You are so happy and excited to just be alive that you have completely forgotten all your worries. What seemed like it could have totally overcame you, in one second has become just that, but a second away. It is gone. It is gone. No longer and you can be whatever you want to be. You can choose. You can always choose. But it is up to you whether or not you will hold on and wait. Wait for the turn, for the world to keep changing, because you know from experience that it always does and that is what you hope for. For a better world and a brighter future. So all of you that feel like you have to let go... do it. Lose all control because in all reality you never had any to begin with. Trust in what is happening and look forward and hope, because a brighter day always follows the most lonesome and darkest nights. It will come so hold on. Oh! What a wonderful world we live in...

Running Away

I have to get going so this will be the last one for today, but while I was serving this mission thing, I need to learn a little acronym called O.W.L. To be effective at anything in life, you need to Obedient, Work, and Love. This was something that I took to heart but the hardest thing was just that, my heart. I had to learn to love selflessly and to love everyone. We are all in this together. We are all family if you trace it back far enough. But what I didn't expect was sometimes you can care too much. Hopefully, this will all make sense someday because I still struggle to understand how it happened in the first place...

"It Doesn't End Here"
Losing myself while losing the time
Lost my heart and now my mind
All the thoughts and words unsaid
Will be left inside my head

It felt slow but it goes by fast
All too soon I'll be part of the past
Why am I broken, unable to rest?
How do I kill that thing in my chest?

Do I have to leave or must I die?
All I seem to do to myself is lie
As fears overrun and doubts may come
When you know you have lost someone

That never will even know how you cared
Because you shouldn't have but you still dared
To look back into the Angel's eyes
Hold yourself back as alone she cries

This is how it feels to die every day
Waking up to not being able to say
Not that I can't but that I won't
Ever admit to myself that really I don't

Always and forever love you

World Is Blind

I was so suprised how much doubt there was in the world too. They asked for answers and proof and to see miracles when all those things happened all around them but they were too blind to see and too preoccupied to notice. The country we live in was founded on principles of faith, our government, our economy, our law, tons of things. Freedom of religion brought us here, fiat, rules and laws and morals are all a form of standards that create and help people form character that promotes freedom, understanding, and love. It is all over the place and yet we so easily forget it all the time. This was for people who still can see...

"Reasoning Away"
A man once wrote, "To be or not to be,"
But if I could have you be with me
To let you see all what I see:
The miracles, the world, the light
The difference between wrong and right
Is like the day to the night
I don't know what else to say
Because in all honesty, no such thing as grey
So let us choose together this day
Choose the right, Savior, Truth and Light
Who's on the Lord's side?
Who...?

"His Work and His Glory"

We're taught 'bout the Lord's sacrifice
His love and all things He did do
A man born of God, to save all from sin
He would die for me and for you

He hung on a cross and bled in a garden
perfection of all charity
Sometimes I wonder, how much pain did He suffer
drops of blood given for me

What a gift? What a price, did our Father have
His Only Begotten to pay?
So that all mankind may live in heaven
with Him and His Son someday

But for us, remember, Heav's gates are closed
to all that come alone
So go out this day and save a soul
for by so doing, ye have saved thine own

"Just a Boy"

One day there was a boy out in darkness
searching for light and truth
He asked the teachers and preachers
but heard nothing of faith, only proof
How do we truly know our elder Brother
and feel His redeeming love?
Where is the faith to ask the question
and receive answers from Heav' above?
So this boy through long hard study
went to ask His Father in prayer
And he was answered in a glorious vision
and to us this day he has shared
I opened my heart aloud in a grove
and my God and His Son I met
They told many things-- where to find the truth
and called me as a prophet
They said that an angel would come
to tell me of a record of gold
And that it would be scripture from the people
who lived here in times of old
They too had the Word and had seen the Savior
who came to teach them truth
And the Spirit does witness to me and to you
and this, that Book, is my proof
If this wasn't enough for the world
the boy would later give his life
And so must we-- lose ours to find them
in this world of evil and strife

Giving Gratitude

This next post has something I am eternally grateful for which is my faith. My faith is different from many in the fact that I believe in all time. I know that God works the same yesterday, today, and forever. He had, has, and will have miracles occurring on the earth, prophets that speak with the power of heaven, and His word continuing to flow forth as Living Waters. I believe in the Spirit, in my Savior, Brother, and Friend, the Holy Messiah, Jesus Christ. I believe in a Holy Father who lives in Heaven. I believe in Christ, God, the Spirit, in living prophets and apostles such as Joseph Smith, in continued revelation, like the Book of Mormon. That's right , I am a Mormon. Actually, LDS or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

But the reason I'm getting into all of this is because one day I was asked to speak in church and I was thinking about it for a while and I decided that I would write down my testimony. As I did it began to evolve into what became "Just a Boy" and "His Work and His Glory." I hope you enjoy them both...

Praying Upon Our Memories

One of the things I felt on my mission was a sense of love I hadn't had to deal with before. I had always heard that absence makes the hearts grow fonder but I didn't believe it. Now I knew there was something to it. It is definitely an interesting feeling that I can't really describe but I can illustrate in some way through this...

"The Rise and Fall"
As the days of summer come and go
The people will live as life is gone
Going gone into obscurity, until
They are able to move along

Move on past the days that turn
And fall away the memories by
By the wayside, the sun droops down
Painting the dusk in the azure sky

The lessons learned and loves of youth
Stay in the focus of our mind
But moving still forward, to the purpose
Of everything that can be called divine

The Sun has set but will come again
To fill our lives with light anew
Breaking through the dark and clouds
Bringing back all things good and true

Good friends and good times that last
In all the seasons of our lives through
True love, just wait, hold on still
The summer will bring me back to you

He has called and I have answered
To learn to save a soul or two
But True Love, just wait, it it worth it
For the Sun will bring me back to you

Changes Are Always Hard

So most of these first few posts will be related because our missions are for two years. It is a long time. And it was an interesting experience to say the least. I will probably refer to it from time to time but while I was there, I had a lot of changes that happened around me, within me, through me. Change is the only thing constant in life and I had to just had to let it go and work with it. But it is often not very easy. This was something I wrote when I was learning to let go...



"The Weak Things of the Earth"

No more sight, no more sense

no more strength, no self-control

Without power, without hope

without faith, without soul



Can you see life without purpose?

Can you imagine suffering without end?

Would you make the painful struggle

without a family? Without a friend?



Lost, confused, torn, forgotten

beaten, hated, spit upon

The same day in, day out, and always--

helpless, hopeless, but life goes on



Goes on past the day of tomorrow

past the life that withers gone

But in that day, full of sorrow

He tells the Weak, become the Strong



Become what you once were today--

not the night, but the dawn

Nothing can, nor will, overcome you

for I Am with you all along



Faithfully endure until the promise

obedience to the mark you must do

And if you will but humbly do this--

I will give you all that I am and more to you

Not a Believer in Fate

One of the things that I do like I said is write poetry. I have recently returned from a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the wonderful state of Oregon. I saw a lot of miracles while doing it from people overcoming obstacles, rebuilding their lives, and finding a faith in God. But I realized that my part in all of it was to just be there. I did nothing but act as a friend and a gateway for His love to change people if they would accept His message and His Spirit. It was an amazing part of my life...

"You Are Not Your Own"
My feet take His word to His elect
My hands are to lift them to their God above
My knees are to kneel in holy prayer
My eyes are windows to His love

My heart is for understanding His voice
My mouth is to testify to His plan
My love is His to overcome the hardened heart
My life is an instrument in His hands

The time for planting seeds is over
The time for the harvest has begun
Men will continue to search for their God
And they'll find Him before the work is done

Thank God for all His tender mercies
Because without them there would be none
Who could return to live with the Father
If it had not been for the life of the Son

Beginning

Well, I had a respected friend introduce me to this whole idea and I am willing to give it all a go. So when it comes to this whole thing, bear with me as I get a hang of it and adjust. I don't know whether this will turn into more of a journal or place where I can put my work. What I mean by that is I have had friends tell me I am a complex person. English is a complex language and there is so many ways to express ones self and your feelings that at times, the way I explain myself isn't fully understood. The best way to sum that up is that I am a poet and a romantic. I have a summer home at 1 Cloud Nine Ln. I am super positive and I look for the best in people and at times my heart falls before my head can make any decisions and I end up getting hurt, but I am okay with that. Why not love everyone? This whole thing will be a way that I can get out those things that I think and feel without having to say it. To be able to not keep things bottled up inside and let it out every once in a while. Because its funny, people can't handle every little thing someone would like to say. Heck, we have enough problems with what they say and don't say already... Life is crazy. I guess that's why I fit in so well. So let's get started...