Sunday, July 24, 2011

Everything Has a Price

"Love is Hard"
by James Morrison

I see lovers in the streets
Walking without a care
They wear it out loud
Like there's something in the air
Oh well, I don't care

They're treading lightly
No - they don't sink in
There's no tracks to follow
They don't care where they're going

And if they're lucky, yeah
They'll, they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky
They'll get to feel

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that you know that love is hard

Love takes hostages
And gives them pain
Gives someone the power
To hurt you again and again
Oh, but they don't care

Oh and if they're lucky, yeah
They'll, they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky
They'll, they'll get to feel

And if they're, they're truly blessed
Then they'll get to believe
And if you're damned
You'll never let yourself be deceived

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know that love is hard

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know that love is hard
Love is hard, love is hard
If it was easy it wouldn't mean nothing, no

Sunday, July 17, 2011

My Life at Home

I figured out that the grass always looks greener on the other side. I have been home for the summer and though things have been good... no rent, lots of family time, bought a car, working and making money, not having to worry about food or laundry, I still am wishing to be back in Utah. For most people that makes a lot of sense but for me it kinda bothers me. I don't like Utah or really living there. My social life and my education are both there in Utah but I love the east coast so much more. The friends here my age are just as busy as I am but all of our schedules fail to match almost as much as the time difference from my home here to my friends back in Provo. I have to confess that the hardest part is at times I let my heart get away with my head. I always have romantic notions of what could be or what could have been so nothing changes too fast. One of these days maybe I will meet the person I am looking for but in the meantime I have to wait. I have found that I can keep whatever notions I may have at bay by focusing on other things such as my scripture study, my family, and just trying to keep my friendships alive. I just feel so conflicted in what I know I should do and what I want to do that I realize this is how it feels to grow up. There are moments where there is just no fulfillment and I feel empty, monotonous in all that I do. I just choose to put on a smile and work hard so that I can learn to love the work but saying so would feel like lying. I do it to hide the loneliness. The worst part is that all I have to do is believe that things will get better and have faith. And that is the part, I fear that though I am reading and trying to pray, I don't know how much faith I really have. I don't know if he can truly heal me. And by this I mean, how can I learn to love someone else and truly be happy if I can't even do that when I am by myself? How can I learn to be happy being me? How can I feel complete when I know that my other half is somewhere out there?

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Death

So out of all the things I could do on a beautiful summer day, my parents and I happen to head to a funeral. I am not a big crier so I wasn't too keen on going but we did and I did. The man who had died was my friend and adviser in our priest's quorum growing up. He had Parkinson's disease so it was a long hard battle but he died probably a week ago so we gave our condolences to the family and stayed for the service after the wake, which not trying to be irreverent but I never understood why they call it that because if he indeed did wake up we would probably just kill him because of the shock it would cause. Maybe it's just me.

The reason I am writing about this is because it really came to a head today as I was in the pew listening to stories about his life. He was a Renaissance Man of sorts. He had multiple degrees, intelligent, a lover, a fighter, a free spirit, a world traveler, a father and husband, a Son of God. His children talked about their relationships with him and the relationship he had with their mother. His last moments in life where not spent thinking about affect that his leaving would have on his life, but hers. He loved her from the moment they met to the day he died. He loved their kids in that same way too. They were all his favorites. The big thing that really hit home is that he died peacefully. After such a long and painful fight with that debilitating disease, he died peacefully.

No matter if you die suddenly or over a long period of time, we all die and the passing is peaceful. You leave here to go back to live with God and you will be brought back to the happiest time in your life, which for me so far was when I was closest to God which was when I was on my mission. I really did feel very peaceful on my mission. I had no worries, no stress, and all I had to do was live and share and teach others about how to develop the most important relationship I have in my life which is with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I don't know how to explain the feelings and thoughts I had as I sat there and pondered my relationship I had with this man and how he helped me along and prepared me spiritually for my life. All I know is it felt good. It felt great. Not just to be able to let out some pent up emotions and tears but the Spirit in the meeting. It just is so reassuring that as one of the speakers said in the service that death is not really a punctuation mark. It isn't a period, a question mark, or even an exclamation point. It is a comma. This life is neither the beginning nor the end of life but only a small portion of the overall journey. Thank God for His love and mercy in giving us the gospel of Jesus Christ.