In today's backwards society, we are a country based on freedom of religion that has replaced religion with thought. We have replaced gentlemen with players and pimps. Beauty and respect and the ideal woman aren't even real. We found the 1/1000 woman and take the 1/1000 picture and we digitally enhance it and change it. Manners are overrated. Being polite means you are selling something. And if you are genuine and friendly you are just plain weird. So if we were to go back to when things actually made sense again, what were characteristics of a real man? Here are just a few quotes to jog your memory in case you forgot.
"Gentlemen are always goal oriented and know where they want to be and what they want to be. They are success driven."
"So maybe this one guy is worth all these tears you've been crying. Maybe he is worth forgiving after he's ripped your heart out. Maybe he really is worth all of what you say he is. But maybe he's not. How do you know? You will never know until you clear your eyes of the tears, and clear your heart and mind of the pain. So cry your eyes out until you have nothing left, sob your heart out until it all feels numb. Then open your eyes and see this guy for the first time. Is he all you thought him to be? Or just another boy, dressed up as the man of your dreams?"
"You can't relate to a superhero, to a superman, but you can identify with a real man who in times of crisis draws forth some extraordinary quality from within himself and triumphs but only after a struggle."
"The value of a man is not measured by what he does for himself to make his life easier, but measured by what he does for others to make their lives easier."
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world." -Oscar Wilde-
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Transitioning into Unknown Territory
If anything I am learning recently is that everyone needs someone. And most of the time there is someone for everyone. My sisters, my parents, my brother... You can see different people or meet different people and typically in time they will find someone that will become their other half. It doesn't matter how much of a character they are or how unique, they are able to make a match. I was talking to my brother and his wife about this a few nights ago. It doesn't matter whether or not you are a match to begin with, the complementary and similar characteristics over time develop in such a way that as a couple you become soul mates. Soul mates are not found but they can be made. I don't think anyone could fit my brother more perfectly than my wife and no one else could fit her now as well as my brother. It is definitely something that I want myself. If there is anything that is missing in my life it is a celestial relationship. First, I need to start with my relationship with God and then I will hopefully find someone with whom I will have a relationship that reminds me of my Father in Heaven.
I don't know when or how but I am going to do my best to find good friendships now that I am graduated and finally moved up to Salt Lake. Fitting in isn't the hardest thing for me but I really want to be able to find a good group of people that help me live the way that I should. I bought a few books that I want to read this summer that I hope put me in that kind of a place. But to be honest, I am far from perfect and even though I want to make friends with people that want to go to the temple and have fun and respect each other... I still have soot on my shirt from Babylon so to speak. I don't expect people to be perfect but I hope that I find good friends. I realize that even though I act super excited to leave Provo, I know that after 5 years in the judgmental bubble that it is, I still have a few people that I have made connections with there that I hope will stay in my life. Just like anywhere else, you have to take the good with the bad and it is in this that we appreciate those people who make a positive impact on us. But with this decision to move to Salt Lake, I hope I learn what I need to learn and find the blessings in whatever comes around. So far, the plan is to get my dual masters starting in the fall but I know from experience the only thing I can truly plan for is for things to change. I am wishing for a good ride.
Right now, it is only a wish though. I might have a place in Salt Lake but I still have a lot to do. I need to get a bit of work done on my car soon. I need a new laptop for grad school before that starts in the fall. I need to figure out my new ward. I need to figure out classes for next fall. I need to find a job sooner rather than later and at the same time, I am still kind of considering being a bum for the next few months and just asking some people to pay me back some money I let them borrow and just enjoy time off. I want to travel a bit and see different parts of the United States that I haven't been to yet... A lot of that is down in California like San Francisco and the Santa Monica Pier. I really haven't spent much time or money in Las Vegas either and that is probably why I am well off at the moment but there are so many places that I want to see. Still, I don't know if this is the time now or if I need to continue to be patient and see what opportunities come up.
I don't know when or how but I am going to do my best to find good friendships now that I am graduated and finally moved up to Salt Lake. Fitting in isn't the hardest thing for me but I really want to be able to find a good group of people that help me live the way that I should. I bought a few books that I want to read this summer that I hope put me in that kind of a place. But to be honest, I am far from perfect and even though I want to make friends with people that want to go to the temple and have fun and respect each other... I still have soot on my shirt from Babylon so to speak. I don't expect people to be perfect but I hope that I find good friends. I realize that even though I act super excited to leave Provo, I know that after 5 years in the judgmental bubble that it is, I still have a few people that I have made connections with there that I hope will stay in my life. Just like anywhere else, you have to take the good with the bad and it is in this that we appreciate those people who make a positive impact on us. But with this decision to move to Salt Lake, I hope I learn what I need to learn and find the blessings in whatever comes around. So far, the plan is to get my dual masters starting in the fall but I know from experience the only thing I can truly plan for is for things to change. I am wishing for a good ride.
Right now, it is only a wish though. I might have a place in Salt Lake but I still have a lot to do. I need to get a bit of work done on my car soon. I need a new laptop for grad school before that starts in the fall. I need to figure out my new ward. I need to figure out classes for next fall. I need to find a job sooner rather than later and at the same time, I am still kind of considering being a bum for the next few months and just asking some people to pay me back some money I let them borrow and just enjoy time off. I want to travel a bit and see different parts of the United States that I haven't been to yet... A lot of that is down in California like San Francisco and the Santa Monica Pier. I really haven't spent much time or money in Las Vegas either and that is probably why I am well off at the moment but there are so many places that I want to see. Still, I don't know if this is the time now or if I need to continue to be patient and see what opportunities come up.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Self-Fulfillment
I always thought that I had to trust God and let go of the ones that I loved and He would take care of them... If I had thought it all the way through, I might have realized that I need to let go and trust God and He would take care of the people He loves. He has a plan for me and so many blessings in store but I have to be patient and allow His perfect love to change me. I have to accept not just His power and strength and infinite wisdom, but realize that the reason we are all drawn to Him and His Son is their infinite love. Our Heavenly Father has one serious weakness and it isn't even really a weakness. He chooses to be vulnerable to us. We have a perfect Father who allows us to choose for ourselves and He weeps for us when we suffer, He feels joy with us in our successes. Who am I to have the love and capture the focus of such a being as imperfect and flawed as I am? I am a god in the making. I am progressing in my imperfection. I am an immortal being living a mortal experience.
Some people might think I have done a really good job in focusing and working through tough things in my life. Some people might think I have found self-fulfillment or a form of self-love . Some might think I am confident in myself and don't care what other people think. They are in a very small way correct but only in one aspect. As a whole, they couldn't be more wrong. I am a feeler. I might not care too much what everyone thinks about me but I do care how certain people think. I care about what God thinks of me. I care about what my family and my loved ones think of me. Am I representing them well? Am I doing what I can to make them proud? If I had the kind of self-fulfillment that the world sees in some people then it would be like saying how happy and justified I feel in being alone. That is the last thing I want in this world! I am not always confident but I do have faith that God will bless the things I experience for my good, no matter how difficult, and as long as I endure them well. I have been through life or death experiences. I have felt the emotional trauma of betrayal and relational experiences that would be comparable to divorce. And the only reason why I am capable to continue to choose to feel, to allow myself to be vulnerable, to overcome these things is because I was never alone. In the first place, I was able to turn to my Father in Heaven and to my Savior.
The more I develop my discipleship I developed the relationships I found in the world around me and able to recognize someone who has the same core foundations as me. Life is hard enough to not have to continually lift a spouse or encourage them to live their beliefs. I do not want to be a burden for them as well as I want to avoid that kind of relationship for myself. God's perfect love can fill the need we all have to be loved and to belong but it still lacks in some aspects of it. My mother can tell me that she loves me but hearing that from my future wife will have a deeper meaning. I will need her and she will need me. We will complete one another in a way that God intended and designed and hoped that we imperfect creatures could experience together. God did not intend for man to be alone but He also did not intend to fill this specific aspect of our lives himself.
Some people might think I have done a really good job in focusing and working through tough things in my life. Some people might think I have found self-fulfillment or a form of self-love . Some might think I am confident in myself and don't care what other people think. They are in a very small way correct but only in one aspect. As a whole, they couldn't be more wrong. I am a feeler. I might not care too much what everyone thinks about me but I do care how certain people think. I care about what God thinks of me. I care about what my family and my loved ones think of me. Am I representing them well? Am I doing what I can to make them proud? If I had the kind of self-fulfillment that the world sees in some people then it would be like saying how happy and justified I feel in being alone. That is the last thing I want in this world! I am not always confident but I do have faith that God will bless the things I experience for my good, no matter how difficult, and as long as I endure them well. I have been through life or death experiences. I have felt the emotional trauma of betrayal and relational experiences that would be comparable to divorce. And the only reason why I am capable to continue to choose to feel, to allow myself to be vulnerable, to overcome these things is because I was never alone. In the first place, I was able to turn to my Father in Heaven and to my Savior.
The more I develop my discipleship I developed the relationships I found in the world around me and able to recognize someone who has the same core foundations as me. Life is hard enough to not have to continually lift a spouse or encourage them to live their beliefs. I do not want to be a burden for them as well as I want to avoid that kind of relationship for myself. God's perfect love can fill the need we all have to be loved and to belong but it still lacks in some aspects of it. My mother can tell me that she loves me but hearing that from my future wife will have a deeper meaning. I will need her and she will need me. We will complete one another in a way that God intended and designed and hoped that we imperfect creatures could experience together. God did not intend for man to be alone but He also did not intend to fill this specific aspect of our lives himself.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
New Theme Song for Life - Rebel Beat
"Rebel Beat"
by Goo Goo Dolls
We keep heading in the same direction
You become my own reflection
Is that your soul that you’re trying to protect
I always hoped that we would intersect, yeah
Give me time to cope and time to heal
Time to cry if it’s what you feel
Oh, life can hope, when it gets too real
I can hold you up when it’s hard to feel
Alive, alive
Alive is all I wanna feel
Tonight, tonight
I need to be where you are
I need to be where you are
Hey you, look around
Can you hear that noise, it’s a rebel sound
We got nowhere else to go
And when the sun goes down and we fill the streets
You’re gonna dance till the morning to the rebels beat
You can take everything from me
‘Cause this is all I need
You know that life is like a ticking clock
Nobody knows when it’s gonna stop, yeah
Before I’m gone I need to touch someone
With a word, with a kiss, with a decent song yeah
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/goo-goo-dolls-rebel-beat-lyrics.html ]
And it gets lonely when you live out loud
When the truth that you seek isn’t in this crowd
You better find your voice, better make it loud
We’re gonna burn that fire, or we’ll just burn out
Alive, alive
Alive is all I wanna feel
Tonight, tonight
I need to be where you are
I need to be where you are
Hey you, look around
Can you hear that noise, it’s a rebel sound
We got nowhere else to go
And when the sun goes down and we fill the streets
You’re gonna dance till the morning to the rebels beat
You can take everything from me, oh yeah
You can take everything from me
‘Cause this is all I need
We are free tonight
And everything’s alright
Put your arms around me
Baby, show me how to move you
‘Cause there’s no worries, there’s no cares
Feel the sound that’s everywhere
Take what’s ours for once and baby, run like hell!
Hey you, look around
Can you hear that noise, it’s a rebel sound
We got nowhere else to go
Hey you, look around
Can you hear that noise, it’s a rebel sound
We got nowhere else to go
And when the sun goes down and we fill the streets
You’re gonna dance till the morning to the rebels beat
You can take everything from me, oh yeah
You can take everything from me
‘Cause this is all I need
This is all I need
You become my own reflection
Is that your soul that you’re trying to protect
I always hoped that we would intersect, yeah
Give me time to cope and time to heal
Time to cry if it’s what you feel
Oh, life can hope, when it gets too real
I can hold you up when it’s hard to feel
Alive, alive
Alive is all I wanna feel
Tonight, tonight
I need to be where you are
I need to be where you are
Hey you, look around
Can you hear that noise, it’s a rebel sound
We got nowhere else to go
And when the sun goes down and we fill the streets
You’re gonna dance till the morning to the rebels beat
You can take everything from me
‘Cause this is all I need
You know that life is like a ticking clock
Nobody knows when it’s gonna stop, yeah
Before I’m gone I need to touch someone
With a word, with a kiss, with a decent song yeah
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/goo-goo-dolls-rebel-beat-lyrics.html ]
And it gets lonely when you live out loud
When the truth that you seek isn’t in this crowd
You better find your voice, better make it loud
We’re gonna burn that fire, or we’ll just burn out
Alive, alive
Alive is all I wanna feel
Tonight, tonight
I need to be where you are
I need to be where you are
Hey you, look around
Can you hear that noise, it’s a rebel sound
We got nowhere else to go
And when the sun goes down and we fill the streets
You’re gonna dance till the morning to the rebels beat
You can take everything from me, oh yeah
You can take everything from me
‘Cause this is all I need
We are free tonight
And everything’s alright
Put your arms around me
Baby, show me how to move you
‘Cause there’s no worries, there’s no cares
Feel the sound that’s everywhere
Take what’s ours for once and baby, run like hell!
Hey you, look around
Can you hear that noise, it’s a rebel sound
We got nowhere else to go
Hey you, look around
Can you hear that noise, it’s a rebel sound
We got nowhere else to go
And when the sun goes down and we fill the streets
You’re gonna dance till the morning to the rebels beat
You can take everything from me, oh yeah
You can take everything from me
‘Cause this is all I need
This is all I need
Monday, April 22, 2013
Somebody's Me
Memories or flashbacks come every once in a while whether I am awake or asleep... Dreaming brings me back to where I used to be and won't let me move on. Patience and progression will hopefully help me recognize when the timing is right and another chance has found its way into my life. But if I am to dream, at least I remember the good things and the things that helped it endure no matter how hard it got. Those are the things I choose to remember. The memory of the girl I loved and the kind of girl I will love again.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Soothing from the Sabbath
Sometimes Sundays are sub-par. By that I mean, I haven't really prepared myself to receive anything, I don't really want to receive anything, more or less the pew at church is just a nice place to sit down and avoid having my head bob while I take a nap. Luckily this isn't a typical trend for me and today was fortunately one of those Sundays where everything I was thinking about during the week basically got touched on.
I have recently been noticing changes as the semester is coming to a close. Certain friendships have gotten stronger and others have diminished. One of the things that has kind of surprised me is the number of times that my friends do not want to do the same things as I do at the same time. I throw out ideas like movies, bowling, food, what have you. I throw out a few options of where to go or what to see and not soon after I hear that they don't have enough money or they are busy and don't have time. Well, next thing I know they are posting pictures of seeing a movie, their scores from the bowling alley, or I walk in just in time to go out with them to grab dinner. For some reason, I am not regularly being invited to join them. I don't understand that completely but I do know that it makes me feel poorly. Especially since I feel like I am willing to jump in and do whatever they want to do on most occasions. The biggest reason why I feel the way I do is because these aren't just random people but my friends. So this has been one thing on my mind.
Another thing I have been preoccupied with is my dating life and at times absence there of. Mix that in with school, summer plans, and my religious life, I have been busy even though I haven't technically been busy. It is finals week and there isn't a whole lot to do. You study when you want to study but you don't want to burn yourself out either. Right now, the only job offer I have is summer sales down in Riverside, CA and I have applications in all over the place for internships. The internships I have applied to could take me to Boise, Columbus, Minnesota, and even, Scotland. However, those are only hopes and wishes for possible internships because I don't have offers from any of them. I have one offer and it is to do summer sales. After spending so much time finding an apartment in Salt Lake, I will probably end up giving it up depending on wherever I go once I find work. I have never once thought I would even consider summer sales because I know it isn't just going to be tough work but it is going to consume my time. This brings me back to this Sunday's services.
Church was amazing. I know that I haven't been the most consistent in my prayers and scripture studies. I have a lot of growth I need to do. So here I was sitting there and the lessons are on charity, consecration, and character. Honestly, this was exactly what I needed. I am not alone. As people, we have an innate need to be loved and have a feeling that we need to belong. Everyone has this and when it comes to charity, the lesson there is that God will always love and be willing to give you that love that you need. But then comes consecration... I am lacking in so many ways. But the best way I can talk about consecration is that God only asks for one thing from you and it is that you give your everything. It won't be enough but that is why we have the Savior. He will make up the difference but it is by doing everything you can and giving your all that we grow. We can't hold back. We have to commit to it. "Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all. (1 Timothy 4:12, 15)"
The last lesson we had was on character. There was a lot we discussed and talked about from our lesson on character but the points that really spoke to me in the end were that it matters on who you are when no one is watching. Your character is defined from who you are on a consistent basis. The teacher talked about how the principle of obedience begins from our fear, desire for blessings, love of God, and who we are trying to become. The first two are common spots for everyone... sure. But there is a difference in who we are and who the apostles are. Obedience is not the key but it again goes back to consecration. Obedience is one of the first commandments and covenants that God gives to Adam but it is not the last he is given on His pursuit to godliness. We need to do more. We have to want more.
I decided after Church that I need to step up a bit and spent some time alone on the temple grounds so I grabbed my scriptures and changed my pants and off I went. I realized that at times I have started to become the person I hated and feared. I need a new change and a new start and even though moving to Salt Lake might help that following graduation plus my new apartment, I still needed more. From my prayers, it was simple. I needed to trust God more and be more patient. California and summer sales are not the answer. While I wait and see where I find work for this summer, continue to apply to internships and wait to see what opportunities come back, the answer is to live within my means and only have what I need. My apartment is only from month to month. I have to get in touch with the University of Utah and figure out classes for next Fall but in the end, I just have to prioritize God, focus on that relationship the most, graduate and move up to Salt Lake for a while, but be patient and keep moving forward this summer. I have to let go of my fears, my insecurities, and get back to where I need to be with the basics.
I have recently been noticing changes as the semester is coming to a close. Certain friendships have gotten stronger and others have diminished. One of the things that has kind of surprised me is the number of times that my friends do not want to do the same things as I do at the same time. I throw out ideas like movies, bowling, food, what have you. I throw out a few options of where to go or what to see and not soon after I hear that they don't have enough money or they are busy and don't have time. Well, next thing I know they are posting pictures of seeing a movie, their scores from the bowling alley, or I walk in just in time to go out with them to grab dinner. For some reason, I am not regularly being invited to join them. I don't understand that completely but I do know that it makes me feel poorly. Especially since I feel like I am willing to jump in and do whatever they want to do on most occasions. The biggest reason why I feel the way I do is because these aren't just random people but my friends. So this has been one thing on my mind.
Another thing I have been preoccupied with is my dating life and at times absence there of. Mix that in with school, summer plans, and my religious life, I have been busy even though I haven't technically been busy. It is finals week and there isn't a whole lot to do. You study when you want to study but you don't want to burn yourself out either. Right now, the only job offer I have is summer sales down in Riverside, CA and I have applications in all over the place for internships. The internships I have applied to could take me to Boise, Columbus, Minnesota, and even, Scotland. However, those are only hopes and wishes for possible internships because I don't have offers from any of them. I have one offer and it is to do summer sales. After spending so much time finding an apartment in Salt Lake, I will probably end up giving it up depending on wherever I go once I find work. I have never once thought I would even consider summer sales because I know it isn't just going to be tough work but it is going to consume my time. This brings me back to this Sunday's services.
Church was amazing. I know that I haven't been the most consistent in my prayers and scripture studies. I have a lot of growth I need to do. So here I was sitting there and the lessons are on charity, consecration, and character. Honestly, this was exactly what I needed. I am not alone. As people, we have an innate need to be loved and have a feeling that we need to belong. Everyone has this and when it comes to charity, the lesson there is that God will always love and be willing to give you that love that you need. But then comes consecration... I am lacking in so many ways. But the best way I can talk about consecration is that God only asks for one thing from you and it is that you give your everything. It won't be enough but that is why we have the Savior. He will make up the difference but it is by doing everything you can and giving your all that we grow. We can't hold back. We have to commit to it. "Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all. (1 Timothy 4:12, 15)"
The last lesson we had was on character. There was a lot we discussed and talked about from our lesson on character but the points that really spoke to me in the end were that it matters on who you are when no one is watching. Your character is defined from who you are on a consistent basis. The teacher talked about how the principle of obedience begins from our fear, desire for blessings, love of God, and who we are trying to become. The first two are common spots for everyone... sure. But there is a difference in who we are and who the apostles are. Obedience is not the key but it again goes back to consecration. Obedience is one of the first commandments and covenants that God gives to Adam but it is not the last he is given on His pursuit to godliness. We need to do more. We have to want more.
I decided after Church that I need to step up a bit and spent some time alone on the temple grounds so I grabbed my scriptures and changed my pants and off I went. I realized that at times I have started to become the person I hated and feared. I need a new change and a new start and even though moving to Salt Lake might help that following graduation plus my new apartment, I still needed more. From my prayers, it was simple. I needed to trust God more and be more patient. California and summer sales are not the answer. While I wait and see where I find work for this summer, continue to apply to internships and wait to see what opportunities come back, the answer is to live within my means and only have what I need. My apartment is only from month to month. I have to get in touch with the University of Utah and figure out classes for next Fall but in the end, I just have to prioritize God, focus on that relationship the most, graduate and move up to Salt Lake for a while, but be patient and keep moving forward this summer. I have to let go of my fears, my insecurities, and get back to where I need to be with the basics.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Messing With the Wrong City
Taken from The Opinion Pages of
The New York Times
by Dennis Lehane
Published April 16, 2013
The New York Times
by Dennis Lehane
Published April 16, 2013
WHEN I was 9 years old, at the height of the busing crisis in 1974, I
drove with my parents and brother through South Boston on our way to
Dorchester, where we lived. On West Broadway we got stuck in
bumper-to-bumper traffic and crawled for a mile through one of the more
frightening mass gatherings I’ve ever witnessed. Effigies of Judge
Arthur Garrity and Senator Edward Kennedy and Mayor Kevin White were
hung from street lamps and set afire. The flames were reflected in the
windows of my father’s Chevy, and I looked through them at the faces of a
mob so incensed it was medieval. Reason was not popular on West
Broadway that night. Nor was compassion or a desire to debate our
differences with nuance or a respect for complexity. In the place of
civil discourse, rage ruled.
I bring this up now, in the wake of a terrorist attack on the city where
I was born and from which I draw my creative fuel, for two reasons. 1)
Because that night was my ur-experience, if you will, with rage. I’d
seen anger, of course, and I’d seen violence, too, but rage — beyond
reason, beyond intellect, beyond conciliation — was a different beast.
2) When I speak of my love for this city, it will be understood that the
love does not come filtered through a soft-focus lens. I’m fully aware
of the sins that litter the Hub’s rearview.
But I do love this city. I love its atrocious accent, its inferiority
complex in terms of New York, its nut-job drivers, the insane logic of
its street system. I get a perverse pleasure every time I take the T in
the winter and the air-conditioning is on in the subway car, or when I
take it in the summer and the heat is blasting. Bostonians don’t love
easy things, they love hard things — blizzards, the bleachers in Fenway
Park, a good brawl over a contested parking space. Two different friends
texted me the identical message yesterday: They messed with the wrong
city. This wasn’t a macho sentiment. It wasn’t “Bring it on” or a
similarly insipid bit of posturing. The point wasn’t how we were going
to mass in the coffee shops of the South End to figure out how to
retaliate. Law enforcement will take care of that, thank you. No, what a
Bostonian means when he or she says “They messed with the wrong city”
is “You don’t think this changes anything, do you?”
Trust me, we won’t be giving up any civil liberties to keep ourselves
safe because of this. We won’t cancel next year’s marathon. We won’t
drive to New Hampshire and stockpile weapons. When the authorities find
the weak and terminally maladjusted culprit or culprits, we’ll roll our
eyes at whatever backward ideology they embrace and move on with our
lives.
A half-hour after the attacks, I crossed the marathon route two miles
west of the explosions to drop my tax return off at the post office. By
this time I knew what had happened; the whole city did. Beacon Street
was splattered with enough crushed Gatorade cups to give it the
appearance of a poppy field. A lot of hugging was going on. People
stared at their phones even though cell service was down. I passed a
homeless woman on a bench. She asked, “Them demons been caught yet?” I
said I didn’t know. She said, “They will, they will.” A few blocks
later, I came upon a young woman in runner’s clothing sitting on a lawn,
weeping. I asked her if she was all right. She nodded. I asked if I
could get her anything or do anything for her, and she shook her head.
I went home and tried to explain to my 4-year-old daughter that the
reason Mommy and Daddy were upset was because bad people had done some
bad things. I’m not used to feeling so limited when it comes to
expressing myself, but trying to explain an act of mass murder to a
4-year-old rendered me as close to speechless as I can remember being.
My daughter asked if the bad men were like the bad woman who hit her on
the head with a suitcase last time we were on a plane and then didn’t
apologize. I assured her the bad men were worse, and my daughter asked
if they would hit her on the head when she was on the street. I promised
her they wouldn’t, but really, what do I know? The bad men — strangers —
wait to hit us on the head. Or remove our limbs. Or shake our
conviction that the world should be a place where people live free of
fear.
When the civilian bystanders to the attack ran toward the first blast to
give aid to the victims, without a second thought for their own safety,
the primary desire of the terrorists — to paralyze a populace with fear
— was already thwarted.
The little man or men who did this will, I have faith, be arrested,
jailed and forgotten. Whatever hate movement they belong to will
ultimately go the way of the anarchist assassination movements of the
early 20th century or the Symbionese Liberation Army of the 1970s. Those killed and maimed, starting with 8-year-old Martin Richard
of my neighborhood, Dorchester, and his injured sister and mother, will
be remembered. The community will eulogize the dead and provide care
and solace for the injured. And, no, we’ll never forget. But what we’ll
cling tightest to is what the city was built on — resilience, respect
and an adoration for civility and intellect.
Boston took a punch on Monday — two of them, actually — that left it
staggering for a bit. Flesh proved vulnerable, as flesh is wont to do,
but the spirit merely trembled before recasting itself into something
stronger than any bomb or rage.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Who Are You?
The idea is that we are our hardest judges of ourselves and that we don't always see or appreciate the good qualities within us. We are trying to improve and become better which is a righteous desire. But if we lose sight of who we really are we can forget the natural beauty that everyone possesses. Others can see the things that make us beautiful so why do we choose to be so blind?
Filled with Emotion
The last few days have been really hard for me lately. The catalyst for all of my emotion was the senseless acts of violence done at the Boston Marathon. Some time around 3 o'clock in the afternoon, about 3 hours after the first runners crossed the finish line, two bombs went off within seconds of each other down on Boylston Street. A third bomb would be set off later and a few more bombs would be found that were not detonated. These bombs were found to have shards of metal, soda pop cans, nails, and metal beads. I can't imagine the pain and damage caused by that kind of an atrocity. No suspects were named and no terrorist group has taken credit for the attack. In the end, the police reported 176 causalities, 17 critical, and 3 dead. Among those were men, women, and children. Some of the individuals being brought to Mass General were arriving without limbs.
Some might ask why there and why then? The Boston Marathon was held on Patriot's Day in Boston. Patriot's Day is a civic holiday commemorating the anniversary of the Battles of Lexington and Concord on April 19, 1775. These were the battles that began what would be the American Revolutionary War.
On this day celebrating our freedom and at an event that invites athletes and their families from all over the world to participate in world's oldest marathon race, attracting over 500,000 spectators and about 20,000 registered participants annually. So not only was this a huge jab at the United States but it was also timed so the greatest number of causalities could be injured and killed. For me, this was a little too close to home. I have friends and family that live or work or go to school nearby. It was for me not as great of a tragedy as 9/11 but it still brought back memories of it only to combine with the heartache I felt for those poor families. For some of them, the wounds and atrocities that they would now carry for the rest of their lives... It would almost be better that they had died.
I have loved ones that have had to deal with scars that they will carry for the rest of their lives. Scars so heavy to bear that death seemed like the better option when the incidents were still fresh. The nights that I spent covering my pillow with tears until my body fell asleep from the sobbing, I can only imagine for these poor families. I can't even begin to imagine the loss that would be felt from losing a child. But the pain will soften and for some with time it can even subside. I know that only an increase of love and service can heal that kind of pain. Some of the greatest signs of courage are shown on the same stage as those of great suffering. Forgiveness for some and concern and sacrifice for in behalf for the victims.
I don't understand the kind of hatred and disregard for human life that is necessary for these kinds of actions. I know from my life that most actions, but not all, are reactions to events, perspectives, or the actions of others. We can choose how to respond and our circumstances do not have to define what we do. However, it really is hard for me to understand why some individuals would feel that common people needed to be suffer in order to send a message, especially when we still don't know what we did that was wrong and deserving of such violence. Differences in culture and perspective can skew how we see the world and the people in it. Our family backgrounds influence us. Our religious beliefs influence us. And even though these things can be stumbling blocks for some in accepting or trying to allow for understanding other people, I feel like there is more we can do.
Anxiety, nervousness, excitement, loss, compassion, loneliness, amazement... The list goes on and on. But the one thing I hold onto is hope and God. Things will work out in the end and the idea that He has greater blessings in store in the future, it is hard to accept. However it is not just enduring but enduring well that will bring blessings. We usually focus in life the things that are not quite right when we need to take the time to see the parts of life that make it beautiful. And many times, our differences and complimentary aspects of life will only add to the beauty of it. Our perspective will change with time as we will but I hope that we can still see things that we can be grateful even among the harder times.
Some might ask why there and why then? The Boston Marathon was held on Patriot's Day in Boston. Patriot's Day is a civic holiday commemorating the anniversary of the Battles of Lexington and Concord on April 19, 1775. These were the battles that began what would be the American Revolutionary War.
On this day celebrating our freedom and at an event that invites athletes and their families from all over the world to participate in world's oldest marathon race, attracting over 500,000 spectators and about 20,000 registered participants annually. So not only was this a huge jab at the United States but it was also timed so the greatest number of causalities could be injured and killed. For me, this was a little too close to home. I have friends and family that live or work or go to school nearby. It was for me not as great of a tragedy as 9/11 but it still brought back memories of it only to combine with the heartache I felt for those poor families. For some of them, the wounds and atrocities that they would now carry for the rest of their lives... It would almost be better that they had died.
I have loved ones that have had to deal with scars that they will carry for the rest of their lives. Scars so heavy to bear that death seemed like the better option when the incidents were still fresh. The nights that I spent covering my pillow with tears until my body fell asleep from the sobbing, I can only imagine for these poor families. I can't even begin to imagine the loss that would be felt from losing a child. But the pain will soften and for some with time it can even subside. I know that only an increase of love and service can heal that kind of pain. Some of the greatest signs of courage are shown on the same stage as those of great suffering. Forgiveness for some and concern and sacrifice for in behalf for the victims.
I don't understand the kind of hatred and disregard for human life that is necessary for these kinds of actions. I know from my life that most actions, but not all, are reactions to events, perspectives, or the actions of others. We can choose how to respond and our circumstances do not have to define what we do. However, it really is hard for me to understand why some individuals would feel that common people needed to be suffer in order to send a message, especially when we still don't know what we did that was wrong and deserving of such violence. Differences in culture and perspective can skew how we see the world and the people in it. Our family backgrounds influence us. Our religious beliefs influence us. And even though these things can be stumbling blocks for some in accepting or trying to allow for understanding other people, I feel like there is more we can do.
Anxiety, nervousness, excitement, loss, compassion, loneliness, amazement... The list goes on and on. But the one thing I hold onto is hope and God. Things will work out in the end and the idea that He has greater blessings in store in the future, it is hard to accept. However it is not just enduring but enduring well that will bring blessings. We usually focus in life the things that are not quite right when we need to take the time to see the parts of life that make it beautiful. And many times, our differences and complimentary aspects of life will only add to the beauty of it. Our perspective will change with time as we will but I hope that we can still see things that we can be grateful even among the harder times.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Born In The Wrong Decade
Sometimes I feel like I have been misplaced in time. Usually I do my best not to vent on here but sometimes you just have to let off some steam and really I don't think there is anywhere else where I can do this. When I look around me I try to be the glass half full kind of guy but it really is pretty sad. When did courting and coming by to talk in person with someone becoming a bad thing? Hanging out is a waste of time. There is no commitment there. And texting and messaging isn't a way to have a conversation or really get to know someone.
What are people planning on doing in the future? Text their spouse and children goodnight? I feel like being an old school romantic is a crime and if I don't look like a ripped-abs-of-steel meathead or if I don't act like some of these morons who only think from their pants because they don't have anything in their skull or their chest then to the general populous I am not dating or marriage material. When did things that are bad become good and good become bad? When did people become objects and conversation became strictly nonverbal? The only conversation I hear nowadays goes as deep as a puddle of muddy water and most of the time as dirty as one as well.
I am not saying that there is no hope anywhere or for anyone. I know plenty of good guys and good girls that know who they are and respect themselves and the people around them. The paradigm is that all of these individuals either aren't attracted to each other, have had negative conditioning from past experiences to dating, or are unable to find someone who is willing to be committed. There are the chosen few that escape this social scene by some combination of the grace of god and good timing but again the description was "the few."
Yesterday I went out to dinner with a couple of these guys, good solid guys. As we were sitting there eating I watched a family in the same sub shop push four or five tables together and share a meal. The father of the family was at one end with his wife and what appeared to be his daughter and her boyfriend. They talked as the rest of the mothers and their children filled the remaining tables. A few thoughts ran through my mind: Where were the rest of the fathers and husbands? Were they working? Were they even still in the picture? Hopefully the former but still, is work more important than spending time with your family? Are those few hours that important and the money that big of a necessity that we can't sacrifice the time to spend with our wives and our children? William Shakespeare once said, "They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth." It won't be easy and it will require work and sacrifice. It doesn't matter how solid or committed you are as a couple, but there will be struggles and there will be hard times. However, there is nothing that will ever matter more.
I know that I don't understand the entirety of their situation and a lot of assumptions were made. I think this reflects more the importance and priority I place on family and relationships than what was the reality of that experience. I can't judge what was happening because first, I shouldn't, and second, I won't know. But I feel like there is something lacking there. Family can be the greatest source of happiness someone can enjoy. Materialism is no substitute for a solid foundation of a family. We always hear that it is good council to live within your means. Well, our means don't need to extraordinary and our lifestyle so grand that we miss out living our lives. Meaningful relationships are what I feel are being lost in today's society. We have a more meaningful relationship with our iPhones and MacBooks than we do with the individuals we seemingly connect through them.
You can't feel a father's hug through Facetime. A kissy face through Skype from your mother will never replace the true sign of affection that she is trying to emulate. An emoticon doesn't do anyone justice in comparison to a pat on the back or someone to sit next to you and listen when you have a bad day. And if those things do actually work, how sad we have truly become. The meanings for these signs of affection are lost or in the worst case replaced with selfish indulgence. I wanted to live in the time of my parents or grandparents. I want to live in a place where quality time meant being with people and going out and doing things. The best days for me are when I forget my phone or the battery runs out on my laptop. Get me out of the emotional and relational wasteland that is there and back to real living. Maybe I am not so much born in the wrong time as maybe I just find so much more happiness and authenticity to life being abnormal... even my cell phone is old-fashioned.
What are people planning on doing in the future? Text their spouse and children goodnight? I feel like being an old school romantic is a crime and if I don't look like a ripped-abs-of-steel meathead or if I don't act like some of these morons who only think from their pants because they don't have anything in their skull or their chest then to the general populous I am not dating or marriage material. When did things that are bad become good and good become bad? When did people become objects and conversation became strictly nonverbal? The only conversation I hear nowadays goes as deep as a puddle of muddy water and most of the time as dirty as one as well.
I am not saying that there is no hope anywhere or for anyone. I know plenty of good guys and good girls that know who they are and respect themselves and the people around them. The paradigm is that all of these individuals either aren't attracted to each other, have had negative conditioning from past experiences to dating, or are unable to find someone who is willing to be committed. There are the chosen few that escape this social scene by some combination of the grace of god and good timing but again the description was "the few."
Yesterday I went out to dinner with a couple of these guys, good solid guys. As we were sitting there eating I watched a family in the same sub shop push four or five tables together and share a meal. The father of the family was at one end with his wife and what appeared to be his daughter and her boyfriend. They talked as the rest of the mothers and their children filled the remaining tables. A few thoughts ran through my mind: Where were the rest of the fathers and husbands? Were they working? Were they even still in the picture? Hopefully the former but still, is work more important than spending time with your family? Are those few hours that important and the money that big of a necessity that we can't sacrifice the time to spend with our wives and our children? William Shakespeare once said, "They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth." It won't be easy and it will require work and sacrifice. It doesn't matter how solid or committed you are as a couple, but there will be struggles and there will be hard times. However, there is nothing that will ever matter more.
I know that I don't understand the entirety of their situation and a lot of assumptions were made. I think this reflects more the importance and priority I place on family and relationships than what was the reality of that experience. I can't judge what was happening because first, I shouldn't, and second, I won't know. But I feel like there is something lacking there. Family can be the greatest source of happiness someone can enjoy. Materialism is no substitute for a solid foundation of a family. We always hear that it is good council to live within your means. Well, our means don't need to extraordinary and our lifestyle so grand that we miss out living our lives. Meaningful relationships are what I feel are being lost in today's society. We have a more meaningful relationship with our iPhones and MacBooks than we do with the individuals we seemingly connect through them.
You can't feel a father's hug through Facetime. A kissy face through Skype from your mother will never replace the true sign of affection that she is trying to emulate. An emoticon doesn't do anyone justice in comparison to a pat on the back or someone to sit next to you and listen when you have a bad day. And if those things do actually work, how sad we have truly become. The meanings for these signs of affection are lost or in the worst case replaced with selfish indulgence. I wanted to live in the time of my parents or grandparents. I want to live in a place where quality time meant being with people and going out and doing things. The best days for me are when I forget my phone or the battery runs out on my laptop. Get me out of the emotional and relational wasteland that is there and back to real living. Maybe I am not so much born in the wrong time as maybe I just find so much more happiness and authenticity to life being abnormal... even my cell phone is old-fashioned.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Searching for Understanding
I have been doing a lot of catching up lately when it comes to my blog but one of the things on my mind has been the importance that everyone has in being understood. At times I will consider myself a good listener and that I shouldn't be worrying myself but then I realize that the reason why I get so stressed out or feel like I still need to talk things out is because I don't think I was really understood. I want to make sure people understand my reasons and my motivation. It is for this same reason why my mom and other women don't like it when in conversations we as men can "listen" without really paying attention and then parrot back details. Women really want to be understood and not fixed. They want someone to listen and they are not always asking for advice.
When we are in conflict, I sometimes loose focus on the issue and start worrying more about explaining my side and trying to make someone understand where I am coming from. I am in all reality trying to justify my actions up to this point. And when we are justifying things, we have gotten to the point where we stop choosing to do what we knew or felt was right and we started thinking of people as objects. When I start comparing myself, people can't be compared unless we are looking at some sort of status symbol or statistic. I can't ignore some one's plea unless I can justify myself by thinking I am better or worse than someone else. In those moments I am pitting themselves or even the world against me and my pride has gotten the better of me. There is also the idea that I deserve something or I want to be seen as something. Again, these paradigms are all about me and I treat people as either obstacles or tools to help me get where I want to be. And whenever I try to justify myself in these ways, the behaviors or actions that I am opposing I actually encourage the very things I do not want.
If I want peace and understanding then I need to remember the people I am working with. I can not classify or discriminate. I can not group or disassociate their needs as people as obstacles for my own success. Happiness does not come by things and if I want to encourage others to treat me as a real person and respect me, then many times I need to be the bigger man and do the same for them even when it is not being reciprocated. However, treating them as people does not mean that I need to condone actions that I oppose or even to stand by and do nothing. My heart just needs to continually be at peace with them and see them as people. If I look to understand them then I can make peace with them. From the poem, "Invictus," we can see how the human heart looks to be a free spirit and so by trying to conquer the unconquerable soul we will fail and create more strife than good.
Not too long ago, I made the very mistake I am describing. I classified an individual based on what others had told me. I had judged him. And when I spoke poorly of him that eventually got back to him as it always does through the grapevine and there was a lot of exaggeration and a lot of things were miscommunicated and taken to an extreme. So in order to try to repair some of the damage I went and talked to him and apologized to him in person. It was hard and I got cussed out for a decent length of time. Some of the things I was chewed out for where merely a chance for him to release emotions and feelings he had pent up for some time that had nothing to do with me but in the end, there was a bit that I definitely did deserve. But in the end, I feel like we were able to replace feelings of disregard and contempt with ones of understanding and respect. I definitely made a serious mistake. You don't understand a person unless you are willing and able to get to know them a bit. The only reason you don't love someone is because you haven't gotten to know them at all. I guess what I am trying to put out there is we all have a need to be understood as well as having a need to be loved. The only way to overcome our issues is to be willing to do both to some degree and sometimes this comes in the form of an apology and forgiveness.
When we are in conflict, I sometimes loose focus on the issue and start worrying more about explaining my side and trying to make someone understand where I am coming from. I am in all reality trying to justify my actions up to this point. And when we are justifying things, we have gotten to the point where we stop choosing to do what we knew or felt was right and we started thinking of people as objects. When I start comparing myself, people can't be compared unless we are looking at some sort of status symbol or statistic. I can't ignore some one's plea unless I can justify myself by thinking I am better or worse than someone else. In those moments I am pitting themselves or even the world against me and my pride has gotten the better of me. There is also the idea that I deserve something or I want to be seen as something. Again, these paradigms are all about me and I treat people as either obstacles or tools to help me get where I want to be. And whenever I try to justify myself in these ways, the behaviors or actions that I am opposing I actually encourage the very things I do not want.
If I want peace and understanding then I need to remember the people I am working with. I can not classify or discriminate. I can not group or disassociate their needs as people as obstacles for my own success. Happiness does not come by things and if I want to encourage others to treat me as a real person and respect me, then many times I need to be the bigger man and do the same for them even when it is not being reciprocated. However, treating them as people does not mean that I need to condone actions that I oppose or even to stand by and do nothing. My heart just needs to continually be at peace with them and see them as people. If I look to understand them then I can make peace with them. From the poem, "Invictus," we can see how the human heart looks to be a free spirit and so by trying to conquer the unconquerable soul we will fail and create more strife than good.
Not too long ago, I made the very mistake I am describing. I classified an individual based on what others had told me. I had judged him. And when I spoke poorly of him that eventually got back to him as it always does through the grapevine and there was a lot of exaggeration and a lot of things were miscommunicated and taken to an extreme. So in order to try to repair some of the damage I went and talked to him and apologized to him in person. It was hard and I got cussed out for a decent length of time. Some of the things I was chewed out for where merely a chance for him to release emotions and feelings he had pent up for some time that had nothing to do with me but in the end, there was a bit that I definitely did deserve. But in the end, I feel like we were able to replace feelings of disregard and contempt with ones of understanding and respect. I definitely made a serious mistake. You don't understand a person unless you are willing and able to get to know them a bit. The only reason you don't love someone is because you haven't gotten to know them at all. I guess what I am trying to put out there is we all have a need to be understood as well as having a need to be loved. The only way to overcome our issues is to be willing to do both to some degree and sometimes this comes in the form of an apology and forgiveness.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Recognizing the Dirtballs
I have the type of personality where people trust me. I am willing to listen and I do my best to love the people around me. Sometimes I like to refer to it as developing a Dr. Phil Relationship. I am the person that people like to talk to. And to be perfectly honest, it can be frustrating at times. It gets frustrating because there is always a pattern. I hear about the girls who will not commit to guys with good intentions and I hear about the wrong kind of guys who enjoy using women. Needless to say, I decided one day to express my frustration through Facebook by sharing some of the patterns that women can look for when it comes to recognizing a dirtball:
The more I thought about my frustration with this the more I began to think about my own relationships. Am I being used by my friends or do I trust them as much as they trust me? Do they care about me as much as I care for them? I realized that at times I was being used. So when I started to figure out that the real nature of the relationship was tad one-sided, I tried talking about the situation with the individual and eventually determined that I must let go. I can trust God once again to take care of the people I love.
If I have to determine what kind of man I am going to be, I need to know what I want. There was an interesting article a friend of mine showed me about a week ago. It reminded me of my first kiss because it talked about how it is more attractive when women are willing to take charge and say what they want when it comes to passionate intimacy and I think that is true. Most times women (aka my friend's wives) will remember how long it has been down to the minute since there has been a serious conversation or real date that they shared with their spouse and the man will remember the same when it comes to physical intimacy in their relationship.
If we are willing to think of our spouses before ourselves then I want a spouse who will protect the passionate intimacy of our relationship and I want to be the protector of our emotional and affectionate intimacy. I want to never have my spouse worry about my fidelity or my devotion to her. If there is anything I learned from my namesake, my Grandpa Glenn Collette, is that I don't need a reason to let the ones I love how much they mean to me. I should tell them often how much I love and appreciate them. Again, I need to show the ones that I truly love how special they are to me.
"If you want to know if he is the WRONG GUY...
"If it was quick to a PASSIONATE KISS then he wasn't playing on sticking around. If he DOESN'T PLAN then to him you weren't worth the time or it might simply not be one of his habits so good luck with goals or anything long term. If he can only compliment you on YOUR LOOKS, I like the way some of my suits look on me and they are only an object too. And lastly, don't buy into a lie that he isn't going to TREAT YOU LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS he has dated because you are different, every girl is different and he treated them all like crap. He is just testing you because he is afraid that you won't buy into it like all the rest of them.
"Have some self respect and be smart. Don't get played. That's my soap box for today..."
"If it was quick to a PASSIONATE KISS then he wasn't playing on sticking around. If he DOESN'T PLAN then to him you weren't worth the time or it might simply not be one of his habits so good luck with goals or anything long term. If he can only compliment you on YOUR LOOKS, I like the way some of my suits look on me and they are only an object too. And lastly, don't buy into a lie that he isn't going to TREAT YOU LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS he has dated because you are different, every girl is different and he treated them all like crap. He is just testing you because he is afraid that you won't buy into it like all the rest of them.
"Have some self respect and be smart. Don't get played. That's my soap box for today..."
The more I thought about my frustration with this the more I began to think about my own relationships. Am I being used by my friends or do I trust them as much as they trust me? Do they care about me as much as I care for them? I realized that at times I was being used. So when I started to figure out that the real nature of the relationship was tad one-sided, I tried talking about the situation with the individual and eventually determined that I must let go. I can trust God once again to take care of the people I love.
If I have to determine what kind of man I am going to be, I need to know what I want. There was an interesting article a friend of mine showed me about a week ago. It reminded me of my first kiss because it talked about how it is more attractive when women are willing to take charge and say what they want when it comes to passionate intimacy and I think that is true. Most times women (aka my friend's wives) will remember how long it has been down to the minute since there has been a serious conversation or real date that they shared with their spouse and the man will remember the same when it comes to physical intimacy in their relationship.
If we are willing to think of our spouses before ourselves then I want a spouse who will protect the passionate intimacy of our relationship and I want to be the protector of our emotional and affectionate intimacy. I want to never have my spouse worry about my fidelity or my devotion to her. If there is anything I learned from my namesake, my Grandpa Glenn Collette, is that I don't need a reason to let the ones I love how much they mean to me. I should tell them often how much I love and appreciate them. Again, I need to show the ones that I truly love how special they are to me.
Commitment and Symbols
I am sure it was because of General Conference today but I have been thinking about my commitment to my faith. I sadly admit that there are few things that I feel are more important but I will do less for on a daily basis and that needs to change. I don't know when but I think I know how I went wrong. I think Neal A. Maxwell said it best when he said, "The laughter of the world is merely loneliness pathetically trying to reassure itself." I let myself get distracted that I forgot about the little things. Little by little I let my feet run off with me and now I need to find my way back.
I guess I felt like I needed to focus more on my classes and with long nights and making time for my friends I slowly became lonelier and lonelier. I was surrounded by my books, work, school, sports and leisure, and all of the things that might have brought feelings of success and progression but still there was a feeling that I was lacking. I had forgotten to pray and to study my scriptures as I should. My temple attendance was infrequent at best. My commitment and priorities had been misplaced and it had begun to show. So as I was sitting there listening to the leaders speak at conference today I could feel my testimony almost sting me as a way of saying that I knew better. There was reason I felt alone and it had nothing to do with a relationship status or the number of friends I have or have made in the past year in this ward.
I decided to do something then that I hadn't done in what feels like a long time. I took my CTR ring off the ring finger of my right hand and moved it to my left hand. The last time I did that was when my ex-fiance had left back for Australia almost as a promise to the both of us what I would end up doing that future summer. This time I am moving my ring for a different kind of promise but this time to myself. I would keep myself pure for my future spouse and family. This time however I have no idea when or where we will meet but I will work on the relationship I had forgotten to make those future relationships strong. I had a friend in my Lord and Savior and although I know I strayed from his path, I also know he has never left me. I know it doesn't mean much to some but that ring for me means a lot more. I don't know really how to explain it but it is a symbol of my commitment and I need to change. I need to study more, pray more, and when I move I need to go to the temple more regularly, as well as sign up for an institute class.
Even if I am to continue my life in what appears to be my current path, I no longer want to do so feeling alone. I want to enjoy the relationships I have, I want to love the people around me, and I want purpose in my life again. One thing is for certain though, nothing is going to get any better unless I am willing to change.
I guess I felt like I needed to focus more on my classes and with long nights and making time for my friends I slowly became lonelier and lonelier. I was surrounded by my books, work, school, sports and leisure, and all of the things that might have brought feelings of success and progression but still there was a feeling that I was lacking. I had forgotten to pray and to study my scriptures as I should. My temple attendance was infrequent at best. My commitment and priorities had been misplaced and it had begun to show. So as I was sitting there listening to the leaders speak at conference today I could feel my testimony almost sting me as a way of saying that I knew better. There was reason I felt alone and it had nothing to do with a relationship status or the number of friends I have or have made in the past year in this ward.
I decided to do something then that I hadn't done in what feels like a long time. I took my CTR ring off the ring finger of my right hand and moved it to my left hand. The last time I did that was when my ex-fiance had left back for Australia almost as a promise to the both of us what I would end up doing that future summer. This time I am moving my ring for a different kind of promise but this time to myself. I would keep myself pure for my future spouse and family. This time however I have no idea when or where we will meet but I will work on the relationship I had forgotten to make those future relationships strong. I had a friend in my Lord and Savior and although I know I strayed from his path, I also know he has never left me. I know it doesn't mean much to some but that ring for me means a lot more. I don't know really how to explain it but it is a symbol of my commitment and I need to change. I need to study more, pray more, and when I move I need to go to the temple more regularly, as well as sign up for an institute class.
Even if I am to continue my life in what appears to be my current path, I no longer want to do so feeling alone. I want to enjoy the relationships I have, I want to love the people around me, and I want purpose in my life again. One thing is for certain though, nothing is going to get any better unless I am willing to change.
Find You
"Find You"
by Alex G
I feel your hand close to mine
And your smile is easy to find
So I'll hide this fear
That you're not really here
And I will laugh with you
Kiss your cheek like you still want me to
And though you're near, I know
That you're not really here
So I'll wait for a sign that says it's not too late
And I'll try to save the love that once was mine
And I'll find, I'll find your broken light that used to shine
And I'll find, I'll find you
And I kept your heart
On a chain around my neck
And you swore to me "forever"
But forever fell apart
But I'll wait for a sign that says it's not too late
And I'll try to save the love that once was mine
And I'll find, I'll find your broken light that used to shine
And I'll find, I'll find you
So come back to me
I've saved your promises in a box beneath my bed
Now your touch is like a memory
And your words are my souvenir
I feel your hand close to mine
But you're not really here
But I'll wait for a sign that says it's not too late
And I'll try to save the love that once was mine
And I'll find, I'll find your broken light that used to shine
And I'll find, I'll find you
And your smile is easy to find
So I'll hide this fear
That you're not really here
And I will laugh with you
Kiss your cheek like you still want me to
And though you're near, I know
That you're not really here
So I'll wait for a sign that says it's not too late
And I'll try to save the love that once was mine
And I'll find, I'll find your broken light that used to shine
And I'll find, I'll find you
And I kept your heart
On a chain around my neck
And you swore to me "forever"
But forever fell apart
But I'll wait for a sign that says it's not too late
And I'll try to save the love that once was mine
And I'll find, I'll find your broken light that used to shine
And I'll find, I'll find you
So come back to me
I've saved your promises in a box beneath my bed
Now your touch is like a memory
And your words are my souvenir
I feel your hand close to mine
But you're not really here
But I'll wait for a sign that says it's not too late
And I'll try to save the love that once was mine
And I'll find, I'll find your broken light that used to shine
And I'll find, I'll find you
Just A Feeling
"Just A Feeling"
by Maroon 5
I watched you cry
Bathed in sunlight
By the bathroom door
You said you wished you did not love me anymore
You left your flowers in the backseat of my car
The things we said and did have left permanent scars
Obsessed depressed at the same time
I can't even walk in a straight line
I've been lying in the dark no sunshine
No sunshine
No sunshine
She cries
This is more than goodbye
When I look into your eyes
You're not even there
It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have, oh yeah
Cause I can't believe that it's over
You've hit your low
You've lost control and you want me back
You may not believe me but I gave you all I had
Undress confess that you're still mine
Roll around in a bed full of tears
I'm still lying in the dark no sunshine
No sunshine
No sunshine
She cries
This is more than goodbye
When I look into your eyes
You're not even there
It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
No I can't believe that it's over now
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
So much to say
It's not the way she does her hair
It's the way she seems to stare right through my eyes
And in my darkest day when she refused to run away
From love she tried so hard to save
It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
I can't believe that it's over
I can't believe that it's over
Now I can't believe that's it's over, yeah
Bathed in sunlight
By the bathroom door
You said you wished you did not love me anymore
You left your flowers in the backseat of my car
The things we said and did have left permanent scars
Obsessed depressed at the same time
I can't even walk in a straight line
I've been lying in the dark no sunshine
No sunshine
No sunshine
She cries
This is more than goodbye
When I look into your eyes
You're not even there
It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have, oh yeah
Cause I can't believe that it's over
You've hit your low
You've lost control and you want me back
You may not believe me but I gave you all I had
Undress confess that you're still mine
Roll around in a bed full of tears
I'm still lying in the dark no sunshine
No sunshine
No sunshine
She cries
This is more than goodbye
When I look into your eyes
You're not even there
It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
No I can't believe that it's over now
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
So much to say
It's not the way she does her hair
It's the way she seems to stare right through my eyes
And in my darkest day when she refused to run away
From love she tried so hard to save
It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
I can't believe that it's over
I can't believe that it's over
Now I can't believe that's it's over, yeah
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Sometimes I Should Mind My Own Business and Sometimes...
Well, sometimes I know just what to say to just the right person. Today I ran into a friend I had made years ago. I still don't think I have ever asked her name. She was just the short little brunette with the huge smile who scooped ice cream to make me shakes in the Cougareat at what was then called Sugar N' Spice. We always caught up on how one another was doing and what was going on in our lives and then one day she stopped working there. Well today I happened to be up in one of the engineering buildings grabbing a drink before class and I saw her venting on the phone to what seems like was a parent.
I really should have respected her privacy but some small part of me was both curious and cared to know if she was doing alright. We were friends! (More like acquaintances really but still...) Anyways, it seems like she was having issues as all non-married college students do at BYU, with the opposite sex. After catching up for a few seconds she vented to me about her (soon-to-be) ex and how he was not willing to do what he promised to in order to change and be better. They were planning on getting married and they had picked out rings and everything but it seems like among other things he had issues with reading his scriptures daily. Granted that is an important thing and a habit most RM's should keep from their missions but I will be the first one to admit that it is hard. Sometimes I struggle with just remembering to say my prayers nevertheless read my scriptures. Both things I plan to work on. Anyways, this girl was so upset that he would not make that change and create that habit after promising to her that he would. He had time to do so many other things but apparently that specific thing wasn't a priority to him when it was to her. There were a few other things that she was also frustrated about, things in which they differed, but she was just at the point where she was done waiting for him (4 months of nagging) to do what he should be doing for himself.
I held my tongue until she finally asked me for my opinion. I figured it was best to just let her say what she needed to more than it was to give advice, unless of course it was asked for. So I told her my feelings on what I felt like was a situation that I could somewhat relate to. First off, daily scripture study may be super important to this girl and it may be the main way in which she feels like she receives inspiration or maintains a relationship with God. However, her feelings on this are obviously not shared by her ex. He may have other ways that he maintains that relationship. He may be diligent in his temple attendance or personal prayers. While at the temple, he may use scriptures to find answers to questions he has but might not necessarily count that experience as scripture study. There are a variety of measures of where he is at spiritually and his lack of daily scripture study is a factor but it is not the only factor. He is probably not on his way to utter and complete apostasy quite yet. But the key to this whole thing is the fact that these two individuals are different.
Some people look at differences as problems instead of opportunities. If things do continue to progress then her strength in this aspect of her spirituality would complement him and he would probably be able to complement her in something else. They are opportunities to serve and help one another by leaning on one another until we are both strong. The other aspect that I shared with her is that if God had given her an answer to her prayers that she could be happily married to this individual, God doesn't change so what has? If no one else in the equation changed (he or she) to no longer desire or be working towards that goal then why when things have gotten hard would you be so willing to throw in the towel instead of strengthen a future companion and a relationship? I hope to think that we are all taught when we are young that the best decisions we can make are ones not done in a moment of passion (fear, anger, love, lust). "Just Say NO To Drugs" is definitely not the same as this but the principle is. I don't think it is really worth the pain to burn the bridge of a good relationship when you are upset and no longer thinking clearly because you have let your emotions run away with your reason. Your emotions are still valid and they are just as real but wait until you can communicate them and what incited them in an open and clear discussion with the people who are most important to you before you push them right out of your life.
When we are dating during our lives, whether we are engaged, married, searching, or whatever stage we currently find ourselves in... The only kind of perfect person out there is the imperfectly perfect person for you. There will not be someone who fits all your expectations, who is flawless and spiritual, who is gorgeous, healthy, successful, and who wants you too. You are imperfect so if that is the kind of person you are looking for then get over yourself. Those perfect couples you see are MADE, not found. It is the continual clashes early or even later in a relationship that got rid of the rough edges and smoothed what were two different pieces to make what is now one complete complementary whole. So if you are not planning on holding on during the clashes why are you committing to a relationship where that is inevitable for success? Probably the most amazing visual I have heard recently of this kind of choice to put the relationship and your significant other before yourself or a problem the two of you are facing was this:
Intimacy in marriage is a beautiful thing. There are differing levels from affectionate intimacy which we can see in our church buildings on Sundays as a husband scratches his wife's back as she leans into him, putting her hands in his lap, to passionate and orgasmic intimacy. These physical signs of affection can sometimes communicate more clearly and more effectively the kind of love and commitment one has to that special someone than anything else and at times can heal that relationship better than anything else. We all hear it is best not to go to bed angry... There is a common misunderstanding to this counsel. This does not mean that you have to resolve the issue or continue to hash it out until some mutual conclusion is reached. In the end, this can make you inadvertently cause your perspective to change and you will begin to see your spouse as an object that is in your way rather than a person that you hope to understand. Your heart will be at war and you will lose a great sense of peace. So when you feel the Spirit begin to wander a bit and your tempers or reasonings in your discussion drift from the actual issue, it may be best to take a break and resume the conversation later after letting emotions settle. In this kind of moment imagine the courage and the silent message portrayed on both parts of a couple with issues still to be resolved, that climb into bed together and accept the gesture of having one spouse reach for the other's hand. The simple touch can communicate the importance that spouse places on their relationship and its eternal nature and their companion and how it far outweighs any issue they could possibly be facing together. And that is exactly what they will do. They will face it and overcome it together. Faith is not just a principle we exercise with God but in all our relationships. We ought to try our best to have faith in ourselves, our loved ones, in each other, and even in humanity as a whole.
So do I really think I was some angel sent to help this girl? No, but that is what she kept asking me if I was. No, I am just someone like her. I am someone who has faced opposition, who is searching for something that I can trust in, and someone who has made mistakes because I wasn't patient enough to let the situation settle. Both sides of any story contribute to its outcome but it is hard to look for their perspective when you are still writing your side of the story. Take the time to stop, listen, and understand.
I really should have respected her privacy but some small part of me was both curious and cared to know if she was doing alright. We were friends! (More like acquaintances really but still...) Anyways, it seems like she was having issues as all non-married college students do at BYU, with the opposite sex. After catching up for a few seconds she vented to me about her (soon-to-be) ex and how he was not willing to do what he promised to in order to change and be better. They were planning on getting married and they had picked out rings and everything but it seems like among other things he had issues with reading his scriptures daily. Granted that is an important thing and a habit most RM's should keep from their missions but I will be the first one to admit that it is hard. Sometimes I struggle with just remembering to say my prayers nevertheless read my scriptures. Both things I plan to work on. Anyways, this girl was so upset that he would not make that change and create that habit after promising to her that he would. He had time to do so many other things but apparently that specific thing wasn't a priority to him when it was to her. There were a few other things that she was also frustrated about, things in which they differed, but she was just at the point where she was done waiting for him (4 months of nagging) to do what he should be doing for himself.
I held my tongue until she finally asked me for my opinion. I figured it was best to just let her say what she needed to more than it was to give advice, unless of course it was asked for. So I told her my feelings on what I felt like was a situation that I could somewhat relate to. First off, daily scripture study may be super important to this girl and it may be the main way in which she feels like she receives inspiration or maintains a relationship with God. However, her feelings on this are obviously not shared by her ex. He may have other ways that he maintains that relationship. He may be diligent in his temple attendance or personal prayers. While at the temple, he may use scriptures to find answers to questions he has but might not necessarily count that experience as scripture study. There are a variety of measures of where he is at spiritually and his lack of daily scripture study is a factor but it is not the only factor. He is probably not on his way to utter and complete apostasy quite yet. But the key to this whole thing is the fact that these two individuals are different.
Some people look at differences as problems instead of opportunities. If things do continue to progress then her strength in this aspect of her spirituality would complement him and he would probably be able to complement her in something else. They are opportunities to serve and help one another by leaning on one another until we are both strong. The other aspect that I shared with her is that if God had given her an answer to her prayers that she could be happily married to this individual, God doesn't change so what has? If no one else in the equation changed (he or she) to no longer desire or be working towards that goal then why when things have gotten hard would you be so willing to throw in the towel instead of strengthen a future companion and a relationship? I hope to think that we are all taught when we are young that the best decisions we can make are ones not done in a moment of passion (fear, anger, love, lust). "Just Say NO To Drugs" is definitely not the same as this but the principle is. I don't think it is really worth the pain to burn the bridge of a good relationship when you are upset and no longer thinking clearly because you have let your emotions run away with your reason. Your emotions are still valid and they are just as real but wait until you can communicate them and what incited them in an open and clear discussion with the people who are most important to you before you push them right out of your life.
When we are dating during our lives, whether we are engaged, married, searching, or whatever stage we currently find ourselves in... The only kind of perfect person out there is the imperfectly perfect person for you. There will not be someone who fits all your expectations, who is flawless and spiritual, who is gorgeous, healthy, successful, and who wants you too. You are imperfect so if that is the kind of person you are looking for then get over yourself. Those perfect couples you see are MADE, not found. It is the continual clashes early or even later in a relationship that got rid of the rough edges and smoothed what were two different pieces to make what is now one complete complementary whole. So if you are not planning on holding on during the clashes why are you committing to a relationship where that is inevitable for success? Probably the most amazing visual I have heard recently of this kind of choice to put the relationship and your significant other before yourself or a problem the two of you are facing was this:
Intimacy in marriage is a beautiful thing. There are differing levels from affectionate intimacy which we can see in our church buildings on Sundays as a husband scratches his wife's back as she leans into him, putting her hands in his lap, to passionate and orgasmic intimacy. These physical signs of affection can sometimes communicate more clearly and more effectively the kind of love and commitment one has to that special someone than anything else and at times can heal that relationship better than anything else. We all hear it is best not to go to bed angry... There is a common misunderstanding to this counsel. This does not mean that you have to resolve the issue or continue to hash it out until some mutual conclusion is reached. In the end, this can make you inadvertently cause your perspective to change and you will begin to see your spouse as an object that is in your way rather than a person that you hope to understand. Your heart will be at war and you will lose a great sense of peace. So when you feel the Spirit begin to wander a bit and your tempers or reasonings in your discussion drift from the actual issue, it may be best to take a break and resume the conversation later after letting emotions settle. In this kind of moment imagine the courage and the silent message portrayed on both parts of a couple with issues still to be resolved, that climb into bed together and accept the gesture of having one spouse reach for the other's hand. The simple touch can communicate the importance that spouse places on their relationship and its eternal nature and their companion and how it far outweighs any issue they could possibly be facing together. And that is exactly what they will do. They will face it and overcome it together. Faith is not just a principle we exercise with God but in all our relationships. We ought to try our best to have faith in ourselves, our loved ones, in each other, and even in humanity as a whole.
So do I really think I was some angel sent to help this girl? No, but that is what she kept asking me if I was. No, I am just someone like her. I am someone who has faced opposition, who is searching for something that I can trust in, and someone who has made mistakes because I wasn't patient enough to let the situation settle. Both sides of any story contribute to its outcome but it is hard to look for their perspective when you are still writing your side of the story. Take the time to stop, listen, and understand.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)