Sunday, July 18, 2010

Torn By a Friend

Sometimes I wonder why I care. Is it merely because that is what separates me from everything else in the world? Or is it so I can learn more about myself? How vulnerable can I really be? It destroys me when things fall apart. I don't know whether I need to try harder or try less, because I just hope that you will be happy. All I know is that the dreams I had, the plans I made, and things I knew... they are just gone. I thought there would be tears, heartbreak, and it's not because I didn't love you. I did and probably more than you will ever get to know but it is because I trusted you. I don't know if I can do that again. It is not so much that you lied but that you forgot. I gave you something that meant so much to me and you left it there on the floor, like a present unwrapped only so far as to see what it was and dropped because it wasn't exactly what you wanted. I don't even know if you even really looked at it before you threw it away. And so there I lie, broken and forgotten, torn and bitter, but lovingly forgiving because I hope you are happy. Your choices are exactly that... your own. So what is wrong with me? Why do I not hate you or breakdown because of the pain I feel? It is almost like if I did I would be weak, or be admitting aloud that you meant to me exactly how you really do or that there might actually be something wrong with me when there is really not. I guess I am just not him and so here I am confused. And it is sad, because typically I am so confident and sure. You never even told me that you had past me by and I wouldn't have ever even known if it wasn't for the grapevine. Thanks for that because you know what, I am only just a friend.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

You're Gonna Miss This

One of the things that I do is think a lot. I think about how I want my world to be, how I want my life to turn out, and who I want to be. I think about my family as of late. It is amazing how quiet a house is when you are the only one at home. I miss the noise, the music, the life that my family brings. I miss all the little things. It made me think how much I want to be a big part of my future family. I know that is a little premature, but nonetheless, in all seriousness, I don't want to miss a thing. I need to be there for my kids, to be there for the smiles, the laughter, the tears. I need to be there for my wife. I want to hold her tight and tell her that I will love her forever. I don't know what prompted this thought. Maybe it is the fact that for a month this summer I have been here at home alone working. It isn't worth it. Maybe it was the fact that this summer a dozen of my friends met someone special and ended up tying the knot. Whatever the reason, I don't ever want to be alone.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Wants and Needs

There is a real difference between what we call wants and needs. I find this fascinating because many times we confuse the two so readily, that we can't recognize which is which. I need to pay for college and so this summer I work my butt off and eventually my desire or wanting to have fun and relax becomes a need after pulling 70 hour weeks. But sometimes what we want and what we think we need we can not have. What we can have or what we need is already inside us just needing to be found. I want to love and be loved. I want peace and acceptance. I want... I need these things. Whether these complement us or clash, a ying or a yang, in turn they complete us. They are a way for us to see into our souls.

We may try to define or prioritize our lives in such a way as this, I think we can really just label it all as Desire. The smiles that leave us breathless, the grin that brings a blush, or the person that sees us as geniuses but accepts us when we play the part of the fool. We may think we stand alone, but what we do is stand together. All the love, acceptance, and ability to be me is already mine. With a little patience, confidence, and persistance to live what I know to be true principles, what really is most important to me will always be here, standing right beside me. And again the only thing that can stop me is me, so I need to exercise a little self-control and in the end I will get exactly what I want and need, all that I desire.