Friday, March 26, 2010

The Blindside

Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or a mistake, but you are not supposed to question adults or your coach or your teacher. Because they make the rules. Maybe they know the best or maybe they don't.It all depends on who you come and where they come from. Didn't at least the six hundred guys think of giving up and joining with the other side. I mean... The Valley Of Death! That's pretty salty stuff.That's why courage is tricky, should you always do what others tell you to do. Sometimes you might not even know why you do something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason you do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important then you have both honour and courage and that's pretty good. I think that's what the writer was saying, that you should hope for courage and try for honour and maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some too.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I'm Here... Kind of

The last couple of days... weeks actually... have been interesting. It has been ups and downs and overall, I don't know where it has taken me, looking back in hindsight. If I wrote all the things I have done recently, it would be quite a list. Whether it is finding new friends, losing and loving, falling back and moving forward, it has all been quite a journey. Still, things have come together recently as this semester is coming to an end. My grades are looking up, I won't be living under a bridge or in a cardboard box next fall, and I have learned a lot about myself. I learned that even though I go to my classes, I feel like none of that matters. The only thing I really look forward to is spending time with my family. School doesn't really matter all that much to me... the grades, the tests, the homework, etc. It feels more like a job than an obsession. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong. But it doesn't fascinate me. People do. And I can hardly wait to go home.

Whether it is spending time with friends, family, or just spending time doing things that I can't normally do, this is when I relax. Those are the times that I finally feel alive. Camping in Zion's National Park, competing in DanceSport, hiking Mount Timpanogos, having a Serenity party, or just taking a walk by myself to get away from it all. I really have a lot to be grateful for.

You see I am only here because this is the only place I ever wanted or expected to go to school. But in all reality I am not really here. I am here but I find myself wanting to be somewhere else. Anywhere else but here. Maybe it is just the monotony of the whole thing. Maybe it is the lack of the feeling of true family... true love. True love... feeling connected to one another in such a way that you are emotionally tied to each other with something that can not be expressed in words... a comfort, a peace, a reality, loyalty, patience, sacrifice, trust, passion, and unity. If I could find that here, then maybe, just maybe I would be able to focus. Then I might be able to sleep at nights knowing that I have everything that makes me happy.

Until then I am, like I said before, here... kind of.