Sunday, May 30, 2010

Fool's Gold

I have realized like most that there is no such thing as the perfect person, or the perfect woman for that matter. There are always shortcomings, insecurities, weaknesses, problems, but that is only one side of the coin. There is a whole other side to a person as well and when we are willing to accept a person in thier entirety and they accept us, we are golden. Then we can become the perfect person with their help. The cost of love is not as important as the value. We continue to look and search and hunt for that fool's gold. That person who we know is not really as good as they look, they still appear to look pretty dang good. We are looking for someone that could fool us into thinking they are truly golden. And it is not so much that, as it is that we are fools when we are in love. And it makes me think, if that is what I am looking for, how do I appear to other people? Am I good enough to be someone's golden boy or just a fool? I just wish I had known Kurt Lagner and had asked him what he meant when he said, "Love is a gift. You can't buy it, you can't find it, someone has to give it to you. Learn to be receptive to that gift." I guess a little patience and a little practice is in order, because how else are you to learn something than to practice it, ya know? I think I know so much but really I am just an inexperienced fool when it comes to love.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Me... We... You

I have always wondered what it meant to find yourself. I think I finally understand what I have to do. It wasn't about me. It was about others. When we are striving to understand who we really are, we look too much at ourselves. I found that as we lose ourselves in sacrifice and service we find love and purpose in life. We start as children thinking only of ourselves. Our needs, our wants, and no one else. Then as we grow we see that we need other people and their approval. We need them. We need their love, attention, etc. And finally, we get to the point where we don't need ourselves at all. We have reached the point that the only thing that matters to us is others and their happiness. The trick to life is practice. Receiving inspiration, selflessness, everything... it all takes practice. It takes desire, being in the right place, at the right time. But most of all I need to just simply try and try again. Eventually we learn all that we needed to. For example, the lesson I learned today was simple. God is the source of all our happiness, our joy, our blessings. What we forget is that he is the source. We begin to believe that we found joy in our blessings. God gave us the blessings. God gave us the joy. There are people out there that have the same blessings you do but they do not have joy. God is the source, not the blessing itself. We get distracted from what we have, and forget where or who it came from. It is the same with people. Love comes from the sacrifice and willingness of others. It is someone. It is not the type of person that they are, nor the ways that you express it, but the person themselves. The fact that you would do anything for them. This all comes from losing oneself. It is not about me or even we. It isn't selfish or self-full. It is learning to become selfless. If I want to find out more about me, then I need to spend a little more time loving you.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Part of the Problem

Tonight I had to say something tough to a group of girls. My sister had friends over and they needed my help with something and as I was working on it, they kept talking. These girls are young. They are at most 15 years old if not younger. One of them was talking about how awkward it was for her when her friend was making out with her boyfriend. Awkward for her? How about awkward for me! When they noticed that I had heard them, they laughed and then I asked a couple of questions trying to find out more about the situation and so they asked a couple back. I wish I could have said more…

Long story short, I told them that I had not kissed a girl until I was in college. They were dumbfounded. I said that I didn’t want to kiss someone just for fun but because I wanted it to mean something. At most, besides the long faces of utter shock, I got a fist pump from the audience. The sad thing was that there was so much more I wanted to say to them. I wanted to tell them not to give away something that they couldn’t get back. I wanted them to know how important it really is. That it isn’t just a game that we play. Every part matters. What does a kiss mean? Can someone even appreciate it when all they do is make out? What is the point? And what do you do after that loses its flavor?

I wanted to tell them that they needed to be patient. They will meet someone who truly loves them for who they are and that they shouldn’t just throw what is most precious away. For in all honesty, at this point in their life, they might think they love someone but they have to beware that they are truly being loved in return. They have to be aware that they are not just being used for someone else’s gratification. But I could not bring myself to say these things. I feel that would have been hypocritical.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

What am I doing with my life?

Sometimes I just move. I don't know where to or why but I just feel like I got to go somewhere. If I knew what I was doing that would be nice too but why ask questions, ya know? I am just spontaneous with myself, even I don't know what I am doing or what my plan is. It is funny though because I find myself surprisingly comfortable with it. I try and do things but they seem to just need patience. The girl I like won't have me, yet. The job I am trying to finalize, waiting for a response. School is going to start, in August. So what do I do? Beats the heck out of me.

I figure, if I take things one step at a time and make sure that I don't make too many mistakes that I have to retrace, then by being patient now, I will get where i need to be, when I am supposed to be there. So what can I do with my life... enjoy the moment. Take it all in. Laugh more. Just have fun and work hard. Work hard, play hard. Things have worked out that way so far.

When it comes to school. I am glad the last semester is over. It was fun and I met a lot of amazing people, did well in my classes, but I am glad the stress is gone. I think that a break will be good. But since this blog is mostly for me, I think that life is amazing. When I am least expecting it and as long as I have my eyes open for it, I find opportunities for God to use me. I met the most amazing boy on the plane a couple of days ago. He was scared and excited. He was going to go check out colleges and he sure had his head on his shoulders but still he didn't know what he was doing. It was interesting to see him talk about what he wanted to major in, talk about his school, family, sports, but in all reality I could see that he didn't really know who he was or what he was doing with his life.

I know because of the restored gospel who I really am, why I am here, where I am going, and how to get there. The real important things in life have nothing to do with money, occupation, how big your house is, or how much money you make. It is who you really are and what you have become from the choices that you have made, as a person. The type of person you are is so important. I have found those things and as I explained how simple our message of Jesus Christ really is, I think I made a true influence on this boy.

He really listened. He had that light in his eyes and felt it. It is something I wish I could explain... like seeing into his eyes and watching a pile of coals slowly stir, because you see the gospel is not something new to us. It is a fire that has always burned inside us, but it is something that needs to be stoked back into life. It is something that needs to be revived. He felt my spirit and the Spirit that was with me. He accepted my invitation and I pray that he will follow through. This is not something that happens by chance. I believe that we knew in the life before this one that this would happen.

We as people are brought together and as we bump into one another along our lives, these collisions will speed us up and slow us down, sometimes pushing us off course. But then we have those moments where we again redirect ourselves. I feel like that as long as I am doing what I should and trying my best, striving to be better every day, I will be able to accomplish the Lord's will. I need more of the Lord in my life. I need to read more, pray more, and if I do just those simple things, I may finally be complete. I might find what and who I am looking for. Or maybe they will find me. I dunno really because what do I know... with what I am doing in "my life"?