Friday, February 18, 2011

Life is a Journey

I have been thinking a lot about my life recently and the things I want to do and see and I realized that I want to make a goal for myself. Next fall and winter semesters, if I don't get married, I want to buy a motorcycle. I am not going to get anything huge, maybe a 900 CC bike, but I am going to at the end of next winter, ride it back home. I will have a guitar on my back and my laptop and a gym bag of clothes in my saddle, and go down south and just ride. I want to see Tennessee and Mississippi, and Kentucky. But I will just ride my way back home.

And if I need to get out of Provo, like I feel like I always wanted this semester, I could head to California or Oregon and ride the coast up on a weekend. There is so many things I want to see and do and it has been a dream to own a motorcycle for my whole life, so next winter this future 23 year-old will be living life.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

God's Littlest Angels

I have realized these last couple of weeks how grateful I am for the experiences I have had in my life that have made me who I am. I can see how blessed I have been because I have being asked to do hard things and to stand in a place where at times I may be all alone. It has made me strong. It has made me a lover and a fighter. But who I have become is only because I have such a wonderful family. I don't know why I should have been given such great parents who have taught me by example and by word and deed how I should be. But also I am especially grateful for all of you. My friends and my family, you are all such a blessing in my life. Right now I just want to thank you all for being who you are. There are many times where you have been heroes to me, inspiration, and such a support. And I may say a lot of things but I don't think I ever say this nearly enough but I wanted to tell you that I love and appreciate you. I have hope for all of us and our futures because I have seen many of us overcome mountains. There really is nothing we can not do when we have God on our side. He sends us angels to help us, whether you believe or not, because angels don't have wings or halos but have willing hearts. Every time you have spread your love, given a piece of your heart to someone else unselfishly, a listening heart, a kind word, a smiling face, you are doing God's work. Love is not about beauty but it is beautiful. But honestly, before I go off subject, I only wanted to say thank you. Thank you again for your friendship, your love, and your lives. Every moment we have shared together has become a part of me and I had learned to love who I have become, so thank you from the bottom of my heart in helping me change.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Taking a Leap of Faith

Instead of writing down all my thoughts, I want to write down the seed to many thoughts. I have always heard the analogy of the leap of faith. I am sure many of you heard it before. A man looks into the dark unknown and trusting in God, Christ, whatever it may be for you he dives into the unknown because he believes that what he is about to do is right. He trusts that by stepping into the dark, he might find even greater light, whether it is in gaining trust in another person or himself. Think of many of the explorers, inventors or faithful believers throughout the history of time. By not just steps, but a leap of faith they were able to overcome all odds and doubts to become who they are and whom we know them to be. You must replace fear with faith when you make such a leap.

Remember, leaping involves pushing away from what is secure.

"Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
~ W. B. Yeats

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

The last couple of days have been rather interesting. School has been a burden, things continue to seem like they won't stay but always fall through, but at the same time, it has given me time to think. I had a couple of things this week that I really had to think about. I had a symposium that I went to sponsored by BYU with a lot of great speakers called TEDxBYU. There are a couple of main themes like social entrepreneurship, being bold, not having fear of failure, and when working to solve problems you need to understand the wants and needs of your audience. They talked about how if you are crazy enough to think you can change the world, you might be able to do it if you make the sacrifice. Make solutions not excuses because being good enough is not enough. The reason why I loved going to TEDx was the fact that it introduces an optimistic perspective on a variety of issues.

The other things that have really hit me this week have been my Sunday School class and visiting with my family. Our lesson this week was on the healing power of forgiveness. The class went well but the idea hit me the most was on what that really means: "The Healing Power of Forgiveness." It is hard to ask for forgiveness and to know what to say, but the hardest part is being willing to forgive. Sometimes the hurt is so deep, the wounds so wide, that the scars can be seen on the surface. The healing process needs to be one where forgiveness needs to match that which needs to healed. Whether it is always being told you are never good enough, a broken heart, or the roots of sin, the pain has to be rooted out. It is like a cancer, an infection of the soul. The reasons that we are asked to forgive one another is to not only free ourselves from guilt but from pain. The opportunity to validate is as important as the sincerity when we take the time to honestly and openly express our feelings.

The ability to be open and honest with feelings is something that seems can only be done when a deep and abiding friendship has matured. There are too many people in life that continue to build up a boundary around themselves when it comes to love. The most wonderful feeling happened today when I was feeling down and out. It was a moment of weakness where for no apparent reason, I felt insignificant and like I was unable to do things in a way that I knew I could, because capability always outweighs performance. But in the most wonderful way, my brother and his little girl came by to visit and in the way that it seems only a child can do, my niece just filled that hole in my heart. As she turned around to see me, with complete excitement she ran to me, took me in her arms, and cried out how she missed me and that I was hers. It was like she had found her best friend or recovered a favorite yet forgotten toy. But it was her embrace and the love in her voice that just made me melt. As she pressed her small body against me as I carried her, I realized that everything was going to be okay and I was doing the best that I can. All those things that seemed so fatal came back into their proper perspective. Life is good. Things are all going to work out.

Though we are rocked to and fro by the moments and events that come through every hour of every day, when we take the time to really meditate and listen and ponder and think we can see that no matter what we face we can pull through. Life is an organic process where we live our passions, grow in our understanding of our own significance, insignificance, our meaning, we can find within ourselves our own deep and hidden talents. And by taking opportunities to express and discover, new meaning is brought to what is our own existence. The best remedies to those long and stressful days are always to slow down, breath a little, love a little, and to stop and remember the good times that we are all thankful for. Today, I realized that I always will be thankful for the unselfish and understanding love of a child.

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." - Anonymous

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Too Cold for Comfort...

Have I mentioned that I am not a huge fan of wind or just freezing cold winters? Well if not, I am not really a fan. In fact, they kill my ability to enjoy walking around outside so I actually hate them at the moment. But then again, I have met other people that do enjoy going for walks but it is more of the same story if they would enjoy going on walks with me. That is actually a good question for myself too, because usually I go to think about stuff and sometimes it can get pretty personal and deep and I don't know if that is the type of things people like to talk about. I don't mind talking about that kind of stuff, but then again, I am different than most people and I know that. Read my blog and I am sure you might notice this yourself. But it is just too cold! It makes going anywhere difficult! It is times like these that we learn to (hope you are catching the lyrical allusion right there... and now it is over) appreciate the beauty of owning a car. Of which, I do not own a car, or a truck for that matter. The best I have is a bike and a bus pass. Utah winters are just not for the weak. They are too cold for comfort.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

A Beautiful Nightmare

I have been in a slump since November socially. I have tried to be me. I have tried to relax and be patient. I keep trying but nothing seems to work. And every time when I think there might be something wrong with me, I push that thought as quickly as I can out of my mind. Still, everything I do recently has been interpreted wrong and I think instead of trying to fix it, I just let it ride. If it is the wrong person, then you just can't seem to say the right thing. If it is the right person, then you can't ever really say something wrong.

The catalyst for all of this is from somewhere between a dream and a nightmare. I typically don't remember my dreams. I don't know if it is because I sleep so soundly and deeply or that I am like my dad and have a crappy short term memory. I had a dream that I was sitting in one of my classrooms with my arm up on the chair next to me and someone that I thought I knew came in late to class. She sat down next to me and we just talked... As we sat there waiting for like eternity for the class to begin, she leaned into me resting the back of her head on me. In any other dream, it would have been one where I would have happily slept the whole day away. Instead, I knew from the get-go that this could only be a dream. She was not like this in real life. She didn't feel this way about me and I had to come back to reality. It just hurt too much to watch and so I forced myself awake. I hope it will just go away because if there is one thing I will need this week, it is a real night's sleep. I like living life as a dreamer, except when my dreams become nothing but a beautiful nightmare.

I don't tell you all this for pity or asking for encouragement. I tell you all this because I am trying to speak to those who are feeling heartbreak and insecurity, those who wonder if they are not good enough. You are wonderful people. Part of you may wish that this never happened or that you only wish it would go away, I know I have felt both of those at times. But don't let those things linger. They are like cancer. In time all these feelings fade as they are covered with more memories. Don't lose hope and don't lose faith. Things will only get better but you have to believe that to see it. We will all pull through and eventually, it will all work out.