Monday, November 30, 2009

Things just happen...

I have always wanted someone that could make me forget about everyone else. A person that could make me not want to ever look at anyone else because I am so interested, infatuated, and involved both emotionally and mentally. I finally find someone that is like that and I screw it up. I think it is interesting that it just always seems to happen that way. I might just not be ready right now or maybe I just need to be a little more patient. I will go with the latter, out of hopeful desire I guess. Either way, God is all I really need.

Friday, November 20, 2009

My Black Merona Leather Jacket

You ever have something that is eidetic? People can usually relate that to food, comfort food to be exact. Mine happens to be sushi. My family would always have rice on Sunday's for dinner. There would be chicken or some other main dish too, but rice was typically a part of it. And it was always sticky white rice. The kind that balls up really easily altogether. But we would get sushi on special occasions. And it wasn't just the sushi, it was the wasabi and the ginger. The smell and the taste are unforgettable. If you weren't careful that small green paste would almost clean you right out. So whenever I smell or eat or think about rice it brings back wonderful childhood memories.

This same type of thing I realized happens with me when, of all things, I wear my leather jacket. This jacket is pretty simple. Just a thin black leather jacket with a collar, pockets, and a full-length zipper down the front. But it is special to me for many reasons. I wear this jacket when I go to church. I wear it on dates. Plus, my parents both have ones that match the one I have and the one my brother has. I wear my leather jacket in the winter, which is one of my favorite times of the year because with winter comes Christmas. Christmas is sadly enough one of the few times where I finally can see people walking around smiling. So whether it is the fun times, the happy times, the times with my family, my friends, my mom, my dad, whatever it is when I wear that jacket it just opens me up and all of my senses. It is like a catalyst to a flood of memories and love. And so I can't help but feel better about myself when I wear it. And not only that, but when can a guy look better than in a good-looking and styling leather jacket? C'mon now...

Looking Too Hard

These last couple of days have been rather interesting, maybe even the last couple of weeks. I am impatient but I am changing this. I understood something tonight while I was dialing my phone. I am looking for someone and I haven't found them yet, or I have and I have yet to realize it. Because at times I want to express my undying love for people and at times I feel like it is all fake. That I said those things because I felt lonely. I knew that someday I will find that person that I am absolutely crazy about and I will know I found her, because she will be absolutely crazy about me too. I said those things because I had hoped that I already did find her. But I keep on looking. I haven't lost faith. For a time I did lose all hope of that day ever coming. And then I saw myself for a second from the outside looking in. It is my way of doing things... all or nothing. But again, it will happen eventually. I don't know when. But things happen to fall into place when they are just right. So it will just happen. I don't need to worry.

This whole time I had put that little problem too closely in front of my face that I couldn't see all the wonderful things in my life. I don't need to worry. God has given me so much that I do not deserve. In fact, I do not deserve anything really. But still, He has given me people who really do love me and worry about me. He has taken good care of me. I have a roof over my head. I have the Savior in my life. I have my health. I have my family. And I have my dreams.

I have a dream of living in my own home. Mine. No debt. Something that I can call my own. Maybe I will be an animator or maybe I will be an engineer. I think I will be an engineer. I think I will like that. But this is something I can share. And it will be a dream worth sharing, with a family. And kids. Lots of them. And a wife that I can share it with. Her similarities will help us understand each other and our differences will complement one another, making us complete. We won't be perfect and we will have our fights, our tough times, and all those things that lovers do. But we will make it through and we will do it together. It is not a lot. But it is enough. As long as I do it by doing what God asks. That way it doesn't have to stay a dream but can be an eternal reality. I can raise my children in the gospel. And I can watch them raise their children in the gospel. And eventually I will die and I will be happy and I will meet my Maker and He will say, well done. Welcome home and He will take me in His arms and I will know. I will know what dreams are really like and what love really is. And whoever she is, that special someone who I dream about. None of it would be worth it if she wasn't a part of it. It is the people in our lives that make our memories and moments special. She will be. She already is. She is my reason for living, my one and my only.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The World Is Just Scared

It is amazing how powerful words can be. They can inspire, enlighten, change the very world around us and the way we feel inside us. But sometimes this power frightens people. Saying somethings can produce some very interesting responses. For instance, the word love seems so underused contrary to common belief.

I am unusual in this but I believe that I truly do love people that I barely know. I have an uncanny ability of after a first impression to be able to find people's beneficial qualities and characteristics. I can see whether or not they have been hurt in the past and how. I don't know if it is a gift or a curse because I want to help them. And I have come to realize that the two best healers for those who are in pain, which really is all of us in some degree, is time and love. I am still working on the first one but I truly do love people. Each person is special but we can often forget as we see all these things in others that we forget it in ourselves. Or in the other extreme, we cannot find love because we can only see ourselves. Pride or doubt. Again the cure is love because true love is the opposes both of these. Love is selfless and confident.

I think that these two things are again what scares people the most. That anyone could love them so quickly or so quickly but to be confident enough to express it as well. There are people that I care for deeply that will never say those three words to me. Yet, I can say it to them unequivocally and with sincerity. Still, is that so wrong? I am confident and I love with confidence. Yes, it is immature at first but it is real. And like anything else, it can grow if it is given time and attention. At first, I'm not willing to do everything for my friends. Everything is not enough. I am willing to do anything. Many times, this is used against me but it still doesn't stop me. I learn from it and I grow because of it.

I am a lover. I am a giver. And I'm not afraid to say what I think and feel. I go against the world. It is fear of the truth. But the truth just doesn't disappear or go away. So I will keep on dreaming and living and loving. Three little words that mean so much that are never said enough. The world is just scared.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


The new and revised version... (below)


The new and revised version... (below)


Hey I am taking a fun class in college that I have wanted to take for a while. If you can't tell by the title of my blog, I love cartoons, but I also like cartooning so my animation class has been such a relief and an outlet nowadays. It has been so much fun. If I had the time, I would put my sketches up here too but Rome wasn't built in a day. This will be a start though. In our first animation we were asked to make a ball and have it bounce... my racquetball bounces away and explodes. The second one we were asked to animate a sack of flour... my sack decides to wake up, stretch a little, and then jump off to work. They are pretty basic but we drew them frame by frame so they are a lot of work but also a lot of fun. Tell me what you think!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Riddle Me This...

So I have a question for all you wonderful women out there. I don't understand something and it has happened to me a lot more than I would like. I was always taught that you mean what you say and say what you mean so in that way we can communicate. Anyways this will make more sense after I say what happened and it is this... Why would a girl who is not single say yes to a date with another guy? I get the excuses that I seem like a nice guy, what else was she supposed to do... say no? I'm not angry but I would like to understand. If anyone could explain this to me, I would really appreciate it. I know they don't want to hurt me or lead me on but what do they expect. Heck, one girl actually went on the date with me and I didn't find out until later! I don't understand. Help me out please, because I have no answers and I'm not getting any. Is this my fault?

I Think I'm Lost...

One of the things I am beginning to realize is that love really is a natural thing. You can't force it and you can't make it appear. In fact, the harder you try to less likely it is going to work. It is a sad fact really. I keep trying to find that perfect someone and all I end up doing is finding myself alone on those long Friday nights typing and drawing away on some project or paper that I didn't want to start or was even planning on starting because I thought I was going to be busy. Funny how things work out.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am trying too hard. I thought people wanted to know that they were special, that they were worth loving, and that there really are people out there that are willing to go the distance to not only say it but show it too. But guess again, I appear to be wrong. If I just didn't care, things would come together. My happiness shouldn't be dependent on whether or not I have somebody to love. I should be able to love everyone and that includes myself. I should be okay with being alone, because in all reality that is a lot of what life is... loneliness. You and the big guy upstairs... Or at least that is kind of the message I am getting. Maybe that is another interpretation for the scripture that says you need to lose yourself to find yourself. I should stop trying so hard and let it go and then love will find me. In any case, I think I am definitely heading in that direction because I have gotten to that point where in denial I can say that I just don't care. Why? Because number one I do care and two if love was a language, I am definitely lost in translation. I am lost.