Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sense in the Silence

The time spent unspoken is most precious to me. It is when I reflect, I feel, I grow, I sleep, I ponder, and I wake. I awaken to a true sense of reality. Can I ever find what I am looking for? Do I wish for something that does not exist? When we hold on to what we know, we hold on for dear life. Or at least that is what I do. Because there is so much that goes on in my mind. So many thoughts. So many voices. Some that lift me up and others that try to tear me down.

But I can run. I can run to the protection of the face that we all put on. I can be whoever I want to be except our self. That is the wonderful thing about going home. I can not avoid it. I can only be myself when I am surrounded by those who know me best and love me for it. No pretending. Why can't I always find a home where I am? Am I just scared? So I keep on running.

All I know is that it is in this silence that I find true love. Not a selfish love but a peace that is not found anywhere else. I find truth in that simple yet profound statement that you are really never really alone. I can find myself in the silence. Sometimes I don't like what I find but that is the beauty of life. It is not over and I still have time to change. I haven't grown into who I really am. At least not yet. But once I have been able to do that, I will be able to find the rest of who I really am in those that I love. I guess that is why I keep looking. Life is so lonely without someone to love or be loved by. It will come. It always does... eventually.

Friday, October 9, 2009

What I love had become my number one enemy...

It always seems that when you finally begin to find yourself, you realize that you have been lost for a really long time. Distractions, illusions, and misunderstandings have been the things that you have called truth and the foundation to your happiness. It was wrong, but right at the same time. Many of these things typically are not bad to begin with. They only become so because too much of a good thing can be exactly what you don't need. This applies to a lot of different things in my life, whatever it may be but lately I have found that music has become a problem for me.

When I listen to music it has such an affect on me in so many ways. It energizes. It soothes. It heals. It numbs. It excites. It impassions. It puts my mind in whatever place I wish it to be. I just wish I didn't have to let it become such an addiction. It is hard for me not to go around and have music thumping all the time through my apartment, through my headphones, through my head, and it is a problem. I can't hear anything else.

I do not have any time to listen to the silence, to think, to receive revelation, I have cut myself off. I have become my own worst enemy. It weakens my resolve, my connection to the Spirit, my strength. It in all reality did exactly what I intended it to: numb me and bring me out of reality. I forgot what I really needed because I was willing to replace true comfort with a temporal one. It wasn't bad music or music that drew away from the Spirit, it just never gave any room for it. God won't scream over the top of the tune you choose to listen to.

It is sad, because is not the first time something that I love has gone from my number one of one extreme to the other. Stick to the fundamental principles and the basics, because there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Don't be stupid.