Monday, August 24, 2015

Down the Rabbit Hole

I have always thought that the phrase falling in love was funny. It made me think of different cartoons that I watched when I was kid where little hearts came out of someone's eyes and floated up like balloons or when Thumper gets twitter patted during the movie Bambi. I always thought it was kind of ridiculous and then it happened to some of my friends. I have one friend who lives in Arizona. Growing up he was the personification of machismo. He was recognized for his athleticism, super popular in school, and basically was a great kid on all fronts. He meets a girl during college and now the types of things he posts on Facebook about his wife would make a Hallmark card embarrassed and he does it all the time! He isn't the only one either! I have a long list of "whipped" friends who are so caught up in their relationships that at times it can almost make you gag. How did this happen?

Simply put, they fell down the rabbit hole. You find something or someone that peaks your curiosity and eventually as you continue to observe and watch and follow it, you suddenly find that you tripped and fell and there you are falling down into this world where nothing makes any sense. I can describe it this way because I feel like it has happened to me before and I am sure it will happen to me again. Even recently, I have had a similar experience.

I began messaging a girl that had a few questions about the church I attend that had recently moved into the area. At first I was simply answering questions and giving a general description about our congregation but then the conversation continued. And it continued. And then little did I realize how much we ended up talking about and I decided I should meet this girl so I found a way to do that and I did. The more time I spent with her, getting to know her, and sharing experiences with her, the more I was impressed and intrigued by her. She has so many amazing qualities and characteristics that I admire and look for that I was surprised to have also found them all wrapped up in such a cute little package. I found myself losing track of time when I was around her. I would drive for a hour just to see her. I smile just thinking about her and all I want is for her to be happy.

Then I realized where I was and what I was doing. I was falling. How long had I actually gotten to know her? How much time had I actually spent with her? And how much time had I spent without her? Did she have anyone to compare me to? I suddenly began to see and hear all of these questions come pouring into my mind that I hadn't stopped to consider because I had simply begun to fall. Is it really mutual? What's the point? Am I going to screw it up? Is it going to work out? But then the last question and the only one that really matters came to mind: Is she worth it? And as unexpectedly as the fall began, you begin to embrace it for what it is. It is simply the cost or sacrifice of finding out if things are real. So am I in love? It is hard to say but I am definitely at least heading in that direction.

Still, I have been down the rabbit hole before and in the past I have been crushed pretty hard. How did that happen? Well, I chose to simply free fall to the bottom and hoped that I wouldn't splat on the ground at the bottom because somehow she would catch me. I trusted someone that I didn't truly know. But is that wrong? Is it wrong to put your trust in people? I don't think so but I would clearly prefer to instead have a controlled fall and slow it down a bit by throwing out the parachute somewhere along the way. So I am falling and still looking to see where this will go and what will happen in the end, but this time I am also trying to slow down enough so I can truly understand who I am falling for.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Waking Up

The mind likes to play games with us. It takes our desires and filters all of our thoughts through them and then I like to think about them, some more than others. After I have observed the people around me, their actions, interactions with me and others, and think about what other people say... I become a mental mess when it comes to over analyzing. However, I want to illustrate how my mind likes to use this to design my dreams.

I am a social person. At work, I love to sit in groups of people and talk about life as I am performing my due diligence and plugging along on a project. I love to talk with people, message people, and be friendly with strangers. I like to have conversations with people so I can try and understand their train of thought and experiences. I love a good story. One of my greatest desires that I think I have is that I want to come home to someone. I don't like to be alone even when I am home. I want to spend quality time with that person, talk and laugh, travel, go out, stay in, and I genuinely want that person to be some I could trust with anything... A best friend. It would also help to be of the opposite gender and that we were married - I want that in my life.

So when I am just working on things alone or I am exhausted and need time to rest, my mind tends to wander. And because that desire is core to everything I want and something that motivates me. Although I have no control over it whatsoever, it is where my mind will run to. And it isn't a negative place when I am alone. It is a hopeful one where I imagine what it would be like to spend time or have the relationship that I wish I had in my life with another person. The irony and cruelty of the mind is that with all our creativity, it can only use ideas, thoughts, or images that you have already seen somewhere in your consciousness. It can create new connections or relationships in our dreams but with people we already know or have seen. In our mind, we can dream about relationships from our past or ones that we hope to have in the future.

The thing I find encouraging is that no matter what my mind conceives, the dreams and images are pure. They are clean. Thoughts of time spent together, dates or spending time with friends or family, or maybe even having a future family and what that would be like. I imagine us spending a weekend out with friends at someone's house or cabin, being on a road trip, exploring some shops along a coast or even playing games with my family. I put how I would imagine they would act like or behave. The cruel part is when there comes a point in my dream where I notice the "nature of the dream" and realize that it isn't reality. Then I am faced with a choice to control the dream from then on out although it has lost its savor of feeling real or accept that I am single and alone.

The only good way of dealing with your dreams is to have the courage to try and make them a reality. Act on your dreams and take the chance. The worst thing you can have happen if they don't come true is to find a new dream.