Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Music is what feelings sound like... (Part 2)

Well I am glad that I am surrounded by people who really listen to me and can say just the things that I need to hear. First off, this is hopefully a lesson I have learned because it truly does suck. And it hurts. But I was impatient. I over analyzed. I realize now, which is a little late, that even though things had gone well, they also didn't turn out. I had taken such a big risk when I put myself out there because of the manner I asked her out, that when the date actually did go well, I blew it out of proportion. She really did make me forget about what I was doing, gave me butterflies just thinking about her, and when I was with her time just flew by. But in all my excitement of wanting to know when could I see her again, I made a huge mistake. I did not wait. I did not listen. I did not want to because I was selfish. Any good that I may have done in the past was pretty much canceled out by what I just have done. The thing is it is out of my control because I cannot take it back. I have always been the one to put myself out there from the beginning, and even though I definitely, and ironically, am attempting to remove my foot from my mouth, I tried. And I hope that is good enough. Though I can ask, would I take back the things that I said that got me here, if I could? All the bad ones I would give up in a second. Would I want to start over if I could? I don't know because I don't know what I would have learned or if it would ever had worked out. This one may still work out! I honestly have no clue. The only thing is that I know is if she ever finds her way here and reads this, I pray that she will try to understand. I hope she will have faith enough in me to give me another shot, whether or not I deserve one. As for now, I will still be myself whenever I see her and one thing is for certain. At this point, this really is now completely and hundred percent up to her.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Music is what feelings sound like...

For those of us that have yet to leave home, let me tell you now. College is all about making first impressions. You do it all the time! There are so many people, you are all walking the same sidewalks, breathing the same air, listen to the same lectures, so why not strike up a conversation if you already happen to be sharing pretty much everything else, ya know? It is pretty easy to make a good first impression because typically we are always trying to be our best selves, but the stakes are somewhat higher when it is a first date. It basically is incomparable! Still, I figure being at college and BYU being a social one for that, I think a lot of guys are habitual first daters... I can not deny that I am one as well. And what you say suddenly becomes truly important! If you haven't had the experience of trying to remove your foot from your mouth over the period of time you are together, the second dates are typically up to the women though you have to be man enough to ask for one.

Everyone has jitters when you meet someone new and when things go well, it makes it even that much more fun. Though sometimes, those jitters also come when things don't go all too well. I had planned out this group date idea and I thought it was fantastic. Corn maze, hay ride, buy some pumpkins so if it went well you could carve them as a second date. I was excited and I was lucky enough to ask out an absolutely beautiful stranger. Then of course, the problems come as my group started falling out. And then when I changed plans to a bike ride down to the river followed by a quick dinner at a fun hole-in-the-wall burger joint, what happens? My bike goes flat the night before. So I am scrambling around and I feel a little jittery which is slightly unusual. I am pretty confident guy on most terms, but for some reason I am getting the nerves going.

Well I go over and meet her at her place, and she is looking fantastic. It was hard for me to stay focused when I was riding my bike because I couldn't keep my eyes off her. But nevertheless, we had a blast... biking, going to a park, going for a walk down by the river, dinner, etc. Then we head back home and when we go to her apartment, we start talking again... music, family, pictures, etc. And I remember hearing that she had a guitar! Sometimes people are uneasy when it comes to performing, one of my old roommates for instance. He hated to sing in front of people. But he has an excellent voice and his musical talent on the guitar matches his voice. So I go ahead and ask her to play for me.

It really wasn't that big of a deal. She says she likes to perform but as she played, I watched her. She was so focused. Concentrating so hard. Watching every note and singing every lyric just right. It was amazing. And I won't lie, she messed up a little here and there, but that was just it... right then, she slowed down and moved right on through. I wanted to tell her to not worry about it and just keep going but to hear her sing... and to hear her play... I was pretty much mesmerized. It would be an dishonest and a complete understatement to say that I was only impressed. The thing is that I want to think that all of her focus was because she was playing for me, but she hardly knows me. And yet here I am, writing about it the night of. I guess it is that music for me is the way that you can express your dreams and feelings, all the emotions within you in such a way that it can mean everything or nothing at the same time. It is a connection and a expression of who you really are or hope to be inside... true music. Not all music, the stuff that sells and is played on the radio is that way, but people who write for themselves, I like to hope that it is that type of an outlet for them. So I guess I am trying to say is that this woman doesn't have to try so hard, she didn't have to be nervous at all, because she is honestly amazing... inside and out. But there is one last confession I will make...

And if she had said that, I totally would have...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Forgiveness Flour

When I went to the door, at the whisper of
Knocking, I saw Simeon Gartner's daughter,
Kathleen, standing there, in her shawl and her
Shame, sent to ask "Forgiveness Flour" for her
Bread. "Forgiveness Flour," we call it in our
Corner. If one has erred, one is sent to ask
For flour of his neighbors. If they loan it to
Him, that means he can stay, but if they
Refuse, he had best take himself off. I looked
At Kathleen... what a jewel of a daughter,
Though not much like her father, more's the
Pity. "I'll give you flour," I said, and went to
Measure it. Measuring was the rub. If I gave
Too much, neighbors would think I made sin
Easy, but if I gave too little, they would label
Me "close." While I stood measuring, Joel, my
Husband came in from the mill, a great bag of
Flour on his shoulder, and seeing her there,
Shrinking in the doorway, he tossed the bag at
Her feet. "Here, take all of it." And so she
Had flour enough for many loaves, while I
Stood measuring. -Anonymous