Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Make Me Feel Okay

When we think of people, we can think of them as either aggregate groups or lots of individuals. I feel like we tend to identify a little of both. The personalities that stand out clearly become the individuals and everyone else fades to the background. Those groups are created around various titles or classifications. It is only natural because there is only so much data or information we can process at one time however, what are the implications of that choice?

I have been on both sides of this coin. I have been both hidden in the background as well as the individual. There is a specific role that straddles those at the same time and it is the validator. So who exactly is the validator? When people begin to question themselves, the way people view them, the classifications that are assigned to us, many times we want to be seen in a specific way and that doesn't always come across or isn't communicated effectively so the validator is the friend or person who helps you clearly identify who you are in the crowd time and time again.

I am friends with a girl who I have known for years. Throughout our relationship, she has dated many different men/boys. When things get rough, she knows she can count on me to validate who she is. Regardless of whatever her question is... How illogical or emotionally selfish or selfless she is acting... I am able to clearly provide a path that will help her with her problems and she will consistently choose to ignore it or even more commonly do the exact opposite. She clearly isn't listening and doesn't care about my advice so why talk with me at all?

It is because of how I make her feel.

Even when the men she dates treat her like scum, she can rely on me to pick her back up and brush her off and make her feel shiny and new. Why? Because she is relying on other people to make her feel wanted and to value her which influences her own sense of self-worth.

Is it healthy?


Am I constant?


So if I was to create a visual to personify the role of a validator it would be a warm blanket. The world has turned cold and you seem to have forgotten who you are. You pull the warm blanket out of the closet and wrap yourself up in it until you start to feel warm and then you put it aside. The validator makes the cold feel okay.

"It's okay... Don't worry. You are stronger than you know."

The problem is that if someone doesn't realize that they are the validator, this back and forth happens again and again. Eventually it stops. The person doesn't need the validator any more because they found the warmth they were seeking from someone else and the validator is forgotten. It is discarded. In simplest terms, it is no longer needed or necessary. Even if the validator surprises everyone and leaves, it only ever becomes necessary but never desired or wanted.

Someone wrote a description of this animation that fits perfectly. She said, "I think he's so in love with her but she's not his to have. That's why she's a sketch. When she finally loves him back to the extent he loves her, she becomes more than a sketch but he leaves because she's too late to realize how much he cared." Love, like all emotions, is a choice. People don't want to fall in love because there is no way to know if the other person is going to try. We don't want to get lost in our passion and emotions to find out it was only in our minds. True love is only given, never earned or bought. It is quite literally a gift.

The irony is that you simply can't choose who gives it to you or when.

It is sad how many people find themselves in this struggle because both feel the need to be loved and to love. There is only one place where we can always turn to find it but we have to learn how to feel it. It is through the Holy Spirit. It is God's perfect love. It validates who you are. It helps you feel that you are not alone or abandoned. It is constant. It is eternal. It is ours to find and only we can find it. No one can give it to us. You are perfect in God's eyes because He can see the perfection in the imperfection. He sees us not as we are but as who we can become. We simply need to pray for His sight and His strength.