Monday, May 28, 2012


There are those days when you are just tired.  Sometimes it is because you pushed yourself physically or mentally but I think for me it is more emotionally than anything else.  Everything is going well but there are a lot of times where I just wish there was more that I could do.  I know that Tatiana has a lot on her plate, a lot that she is dealing with right now with school, and I feel like I just need to be there but I can't.  Right now the only thing I can do is reassure her, help her remember different things and keep her focused, but really it is all on her.  Honestly, I don't like the way it feels like I can't do anything at all to help her except love her for who she is.

I know everything will work out.  I know that we are meant to be together and it always has felt like that things just fall into place with us.  It feels like neither of us have to try hard at all but we can relax and be ourselves when we are together.  I guess this is why these last few weeks are so hard because we are not together.  But I am trying my best to do whatever I can to love and support her.  We miss each other but I know that we are so close.  We are doing so well.  We only have a few more weeks left.  Weeks... Not months but weeks.

I love this girl... I see her everywhere I go and it doesn't matter what I am doing, she is there in every little thing.  I know she is hardworking and going places.  She is talented, strong, and so open and honest with me.  I want to do everything I can.  I hope that praying for and loving her in any way I can is helping her.  I love Tatiana.  Maybe it is just the little things that will be enough to help her see that she has nothing to worry about.  It is going to work.  I know it will.  I am going to marry this girl, my little Aussie... My Tatiana.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Every Day It Happens

I don't know if it is because in only a few short weeks I will be packing up to head to a family reunion only to continue on to Australia to see my Tatiana again, but I feel like there is something that reminds me of her every day since she has been gone.  Whether it is someone directly referencing Brisbane or some other place in Australia, something that reminds me of things that we did together, or any other number of things.  I am watching and movie and reach for a pillow to put in the place that she would cuddle up to next to me when we were together.  We are eating dinner and decide to go out for dessert and I automatically think ice cream or something doused in chocolate.  I am in line to check out at the supermarket and I remember as I look down at the candy isle the first time she had a Butterfinger, that one of her favorite chocolates is a KitKat, or that we have so much sharing little Ande's mints.  The list goes on and on.

All I know is that she is always there, not far from my mind or my heart.  Time honestly can't pass by soon enough.  We have done really well but there is still a bit more to go and a lot more to finish up.  But it will come soon and before I know it we will be cracking jokes again, having thumby wars in Church, and taking naps together until we feel like we should get up again.  I miss her.  I can't get enough of her.  I love her.  And all we have left is... six weeks.  But if you ask, I do know the amount of time down to give or take a minute or two.  Hehehe...

Family is More Than Friends

When I was growing up I had a youth leader that once told me and the rest of the boys, "I am not your friend.  I am your leader."  For me, I didn't really understand what he meant.  How can you do all of these different activities, continue to teach us, give us advice, be there for us when we needed you, and you are not our friend.  Why did he say that?  I guess it makes a lot more sense now.  People always need friends that will support them no matter what, friends who will bail them out when they are in trouble and friends that are sitting there next to you waiting to be bailed out too.  But not everyone in your life is like that.

I always wanted to be a friend to my siblings, a confidant, and also a support and an example for them.  But what does it really mean to be a brother?  Are you supposed to be that way all the time?  I think there is a difference in those types of relationships were you have to balance having that relationship along with remembering your duty as for example a brother.  I feel as a brother I am an example, I am someone who listens, someone who gives advice, someone who stands up for you or stands beside you.  At times my siblings have hated me but still they always knew that I loved them.  I imagine being a future parent won't be much better... Except of course you can use the phrase, "I helped bring you into this world, so I would be more than happy to help you out of it as well!"  I know it won't be easy.

How do you discipline your children?  Do you take away privileges, hit or spank them, or mentally punish them by giving them the silent treatment?  Do you go on the proactive approach and be strict on rules or do you become the party house that way you know what they are doing?  Do you try and trust them and have faith in them, letting them learn on their own from the consequences of their actions?  I really don't know... There are just so many questions and really I have a lot of time before they need to be answered.  Plus, each child is different and what works for one may not work for the others.  It is just tough.  We all need to know what we did wrong so we don't do it again and as parent disciplining the child, we need to not only show justice but mercy.  We need to show an increase of love so we can only begin to discipline our children when we are already in that mindset of love.  Because what we do in the heat of passion can not be taken back.

Every relationship takes a lot of work but every relationship is a blessing.  They stretch us and teach us to love in different ways.  And once I am married, I do not have to do it alone either.  I will have my best friend to help me, to counsel me, to teach me, to be patient with me, and to love me, as I will try to do all these same things for her.  It will be interesting to see what I remember from my current family and what I will use in my future family.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Constant Struggle

I always hear that life is a constant battle in deciding who you want to be, what kind of person you are, a fight of moral courage.  I think this war is fought and won by choosing to make the hard decisions, the right decisions.  Being willing to sacrifice that which is easy for that which is of most worth... being willing to give up that which can give you pleasure and momentary happiness for that which brings lasting joy.  I feel like the only way to do that is to trust in yourself and let go of your fear.  But we all have fear and we can never be completely free from it.  I feel like instead we must learn to overcome it.  When we hear from the words of a book that we as people must choose to either act or be acted upon, I think what it means is that we either must choose for ourselves, acting on and with our own free will and choice, or be moved by fear instead of our will.

We all have our own fears just like we all have our own strengths.  I sometimes fear that I am unworthy, not good enough, strong enough, and that I won't be happy.  I am afraid that because of those things that I could lose the ones I love.  But I think that as we all learn to overcome those kinds of fears we can gain an unique perspective and form of moral courage that if we are able to harness and understand it, we can be strong.  To be able to face life without letting fear control us and our actions would be in a way to have a form of self-mastery and self-control.  In the end, by facing those fears and realizing that we really could never be worthy of the blessings we have in life but only through the grace of God and the Atonement are we able to become strong enough.  It is through the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ that families can be made eternal, that you can be with your loved ones forever and even death cannot break the bonds that keep you together.

I am not typically such a black and white individual but when it comes to the battles that rage within the chambers of our own hearts and souls, choosing between right and wrong, there is always a choice.  There is always opposition in all things.  I didn't really know where this post was going to go tonight, more of expressing a variety of different thoughts I have been having rather than anything else.  But what I am trying to say is that in the end, we cannot always choose what happens in life but we can decide how we will react to it, whether that is the choice to do something or whether we choose to restrain ourselves and do nothing for a time.  We can choose to be happy.  We can choose to forget the past.  We can choose to love who we are.  We can make the choice to become better.  It will never be easy but did we really expect it to be?  Life is hard, but do not forget that it is also short.  Enjoy it and realize that in all reality... life is good.