Wednesday, September 16, 2009


There are so many songs out that I like, Crush by David Archuleta, Fallin' For You by Colbie Caillat, Everything by Michael Buble, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, My Wish by Rascal Flatts, Keeper by Yellowcard, Perfect Chemistry by Nevertheless, and so many more. If I could sum up my thoughts and feelings in a word... dreamer. I love to dream and I dream about love.

I feel like if there is anything I could do, it is fall too quickly and say too much when it comes to my heart. My poker face is a smile. I can't do it and there is nothing to explain. Even though I have a lot of fun, I hate playing all these games that leave me cold and empty. Whether I listen to your silence or your speeches, all I hear is a nothingness that makes my ears bleed. It is a lot of meaningless. You are saying nothing at all. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't just try to fill the air because it is there. I can't love a facade and so I never put one up, because I want to be loved for me. Don't be who you think you should be, but be yourself. It takes so much less effort and so much more courage and strength to be yourself. Can you even remember who you are anymore with all of the pretending. Why does being ourselves feel so wrong?

The craziest part of this pulling desire is that I can't stop searching no matter the cost or the pain. It is like a drug, an addiction, a bleeding scar. It is a lonesome battle of the heart. I live my fears when the ones that I love can't love me in return and at times I become my own nightmare for those that I call friends. Just friends... what irony because I hope to love my best friend. What a crazy idea. It is a thought that escapes me. It eludes me. It is in all reality, a dream. Something I have yet to find, and in the meantime burns a hole in my soul every day as time passes me by.

I guess this is why I love music: It lifts me up for that small moment to breathe life into a lonely broken heart. It is broken but not beaten. I don't give up easily because if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth fighting for. And so the music keeps me keeping on, one heartbreak, one heartache, one heartbeat at a time. Lyrics have always been my great escape.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Kreativ Blogger

My dear friend Britt of No One Can Remember the End has nominated me for the Kreativ Blogger award! Britt is pretty much one of the most extraordinary people I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know and to love. She is incredible and her blog reflects how passionate she really is. The world is missing out the longer this legend stays in the shadows. So let's shed some light on her and check her out today!

According to the rules, I must:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

Here comes the lucky seven...

1. I love art. I love looking art. Buying art. Drawing, doodling, cartooning, painting, photography... I find meaning in the colors, the shades, the subjects, the style... I love looking at the world around me and try to capture the moments so that I can revisit them and relive them everyday. Art is something that helps me hold onto what I love most about my world. I have a collection, to say the least.

2. I used to hate the dark but I have come to embrace it. The night is when I come alive. I love to go on walks at night. It is peaceful and so alive at the same time. I love the lights of darkened sky. I love the sounds of the forest when the world is asleep.

3. If I am having a bad day, I escape by going and doing one of two things: listen to music or buy new music so I can listen to it.

4. One of my favorite comfort foods is sushi. It reminds of the times I spent with my dad.

5. I would rather split my food at restaurants with those whom I am eating with, if it was more socially acceptable, that way we could try more meals.

6. I play the alto saxophone, the piano, and when I sing, I claim to be a bass.

7. I have an addiction to travelling and I want to see the world, at least every continent.

And now the winners are...

Sky and Shaylynn and Our Homeworld
Macdonalds and Oregon Eugene Mission
... in order to keep his anonymity we present last but not least...

No One Else Can...

No one else can love you like I can. Why won't you stop looking around? Stay with me. Look at me and at my soul. Don't look away from my eyes. Why do you refuse to see what I do here with me? I wouldn't do anything for you but everything and all you ask is that I do nothing at all. Why can't the world turn backwards in time to that day when I first saw you? I would take you in my arms and never let the feeling go of you. I wish you would hold me too. I hope that you would say what I having been wishing you had said all along. But you dance around it and bite your lip til it bleeds. That smile is like poison to the brain. I can't figure out what it means because your lips never say what they mean. Love is all too slow. Maybe that is why I am running... and I am alone. I can't stand the drama, how complicated it becomes, and all the excuses. There will always be a world full of reasons why things shouldn't work out but what about the one reason that says that it can. It should. Why can't that reason be us? Stop your talking and let's try. Stop guessing to see how it can fail. It is failing already because we haven't even begun. So let's stop trying to dig the grave and let's fall. Let's fall together. Let's fall in love.

Man of Miracles

God is so amazing. He is such a perfect gentleman. I was having a rough time these last couple of days but I am good at hiding it. I don't know why I do but I like to pretend. Things don't go away if you don't handle them, but I like to pretend. Eventually I had to come back to my problems and I couldn't handle it. It was too much. I decided to turn to Him in my weakness. I felt bad because we hadn't talked as much as we should have in the last little bit. He loves me when no one else does so He listened. He knew the prayer in my heart and as I started to speak He gave me my answer. The answer was Him. I needed to learn of Him. Study Him out. Seek Him. And as I search, I will find Him in the very last place I will look, in me. He is with us all but we can only truly find Him when we are trying to follow Him. He is there. At times, I stumble because of what He asks of me, but that is because of my pride. He was reaching out all the long and I chose not to reach for Him. I thought it would take more than trying to make it on my own.

It was amazing. I heard His voice, found Him speaking to me in song, and then He put angels in my path to let me know that I wasn't alone. He really does love me. I need to repent. I need to read. I need to pray. I need to go to the temple. I need to be ready. I need the Man of Miracles.

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Color Code Test

Last night one of my roommates, Scott and I were discussing an amazing book and personality test called the Color Code. It was funny because the first time I took this test seriously, it changed my perspective on myself and how I interact with other people. I still really need to read the book so I am probably going to check it out of the library some time this week, but anyways.

What I discovered was that my personality was a blue with a secondary of white. Let me explain for those who do not yet understand the color code. There are four colors: blue, white, yellow, red. These represent personality traits, desires, strengths, weaknesses, and so forth. Just go take the test! But what I remember is the desires of these four colors: red (power or control), yellow (entertain or have fun), white (peace), and blue (loyalty or intimacy). It is interesting because these are all good and bad qualities at the same time depending on the situation and sometimes they can become polarized. Yellow and white or red and blue. And sometimes, people can be a red blue... or a red with a secondary color of blue. The secondary color reflects a background personality and the first color is the primary personality.

I found our discussion interesting last night because I made some connections in the way that I communicate with people from the color code. If I was to describe myself when it comes to personal communication, I am fantastic in certain settings and I die in others. When there are big groups, I become quiet and reserved. I hate to be put in the spotlight. Don't get me wrong, I am fine when I am speaking to everyone, it is when there is a group of people and I want to talk to one specific person. I look for personal relationships with people and so when there are crowds I don't like standing out and breaking the mold, the breaking of the peace.

When I am able to be alone with someone though, I typically am able to open up and they open up in return. It becomes a full 360 degrees. We are able to joke, talk, touch, and really get to know each other. In a one-on-one situation, I really perform and can be my true self. This is a perfect reflection of my blue-white. I want to love people but I won't intrude. I will be the quiet gentleman and wait until they finally decide what they want. I want to be understood. I want romance. I want to have fun and to smile. I want to love and be loved. I am blue. I'm blue da ba dee da be die... I'm blue (if I was green I would die).

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Just Sometimes

I'm the kind that sometimes sings in the shower. The kind that sometimes falls asleep in the shower. I'm the kind that sometimes drives too fast. Sometimes I move too fast. Sometimes I move too slow. I'm the kind that sometimes smiles for no reason. Sometimes I smile to see if anyone will smile back. I'm the kind that sometimes listens all too well. I'm the kind that sometimes thinks too much. Sometimes I'm completely random and spontaneous. Some days I need a plan. Sometimes I'm the kind that listens to music on the go. Sometimes I sing as I go. I'm the kind that sometimes will be the clown. Sometimes I am the one that dreams. Sometimes I am the one that gives into my fears and into my reality. Sometimes I am who I want to be. Sometimes I don't like who I have become. But no matter what happens or what I choose to do or see, I will always be no one else but me.