I have been in a slump since November socially. I have tried to be me. I have tried to relax and be patient. I keep trying but nothing seems to work. And every time when I think there might be something wrong with me, I push that thought as quickly as I can out of my mind. Still, everything I do recently has been interpreted wrong and I think instead of trying to fix it, I just let it ride. If it is the wrong person, then you just can't seem to say the right thing. If it is the right person, then you can't ever really say something wrong.
The catalyst for all of this is from somewhere between a dream and a nightmare. I typically don't remember my dreams. I don't know if it is because I sleep so soundly and deeply or that I am like my dad and have a crappy short term memory. I had a dream that I was sitting in one of my classrooms with my arm up on the chair next to me and someone that I thought I knew came in late to class. She sat down next to me and we just talked... As we sat there waiting for like eternity for the class to begin, she leaned into me resting the back of her head on me. In any other dream, it would have been one where I would have happily slept the whole day away. Instead, I knew from the get-go that this could only be a dream. She was not like this in real life. She didn't feel this way about me and I had to come back to reality. It just hurt too much to watch and so I forced myself awake. I hope it will just go away because if there is one thing I will need this week, it is a real night's sleep. I like living life as a dreamer, except when my dreams become nothing but a beautiful nightmare.
I don't tell you all this for pity or asking for encouragement. I tell you all this because I am trying to speak to those who are feeling heartbreak and insecurity, those who wonder if they are not good enough. You are wonderful people. Part of you may wish that this never happened or that you only wish it would go away, I know I have felt both of those at times. But don't let those things linger. They are like cancer. In time all these feelings fade as they are covered with more memories. Don't lose hope and don't lose faith. Things will only get better but you have to believe that to see it. We will all pull through and eventually, it will all work out.
Jordan, I don't know if you'll ever read this comment, but I just want to put it out there: I love your blog. I don't know why, but I stumbled across it last semester, and I have been so impressed at how you can completely captivate the reader and put your feelings into words. I feel like so often what you express is exactly how i feel, and I really appreciate knowing that there is someone else in this wide expanse who feels exactly the same way I do. You have no idea how often I feel like I will never be good enough--it's friends like you who make me see that someday I will be good enough. To myself, to someone else, and to God. It will eventually work out. Anyhow, thanks for what you write. I always love reading it.
ReplyDelete~Kellie