Well, sometimes I know just what to say to just the right person. Today I ran into a friend I had made years ago. I still don't think I have ever asked her name. She was just the short little brunette with the huge smile who scooped ice cream to make me shakes in the Cougareat at what was then called Sugar N' Spice. We always caught up on how one another was doing and what was going on in our lives and then one day she stopped working there. Well today I happened to be up in one of the engineering buildings grabbing a drink before class and I saw her venting on the phone to what seems like was a parent.
I really should have respected her privacy but some small part of me was both curious and cared to know if she was doing alright. We were friends! (More like acquaintances really but still...) Anyways, it seems like she was having issues as all non-married college students do at BYU, with the opposite sex. After catching up for a few seconds she vented to me about her (soon-to-be) ex and how he was not willing to do what he promised to in order to change and be better. They were planning on getting married and they had picked out rings and everything but it seems like among other things he had issues with reading his scriptures daily. Granted that is an important thing and a habit most RM's should keep from their missions but I will be the first one to admit that it is hard. Sometimes I struggle with just remembering to say my prayers nevertheless read my scriptures. Both things I plan to work on. Anyways, this girl was so upset that he would not make that change and create that habit after promising to her that he would. He had time to do so many other things but apparently that specific thing wasn't a priority to him when it was to her. There were a few other things that she was also frustrated about, things in which they differed, but she was just at the point where she was done waiting for him (4 months of nagging) to do what he should be doing for himself.
I held my tongue until she finally asked me for my opinion. I figured it was best to just let her say what she needed to more than it was to give advice, unless of course it was asked for. So I told her my feelings on what I felt like was a situation that I could somewhat relate to. First off, daily scripture study may be super important to this girl and it may be the main way in which she feels like she receives inspiration or maintains a relationship with God. However, her feelings on this are obviously not shared by her ex. He may have other ways that he maintains that relationship. He may be diligent in his temple attendance or personal prayers. While at the temple, he may use scriptures to find answers to questions he has but might not necessarily count that experience as scripture study. There are a variety of measures of where he is at spiritually and his lack of daily scripture study is a factor but it is not the only factor. He is probably not on his way to utter and complete apostasy quite yet. But the key to this whole thing is the fact that these two individuals are different.
Some people look at differences as problems instead of opportunities. If things do continue to progress then her strength in this aspect of her spirituality would complement him and he would probably be able to complement her in something else. They are opportunities to serve and help one another by leaning on one another until we are both strong. The other aspect that I shared with her is that if God had given her an answer to her prayers that she could be happily married to this individual, God doesn't change so what has? If no one else in the equation changed (he or she) to no longer desire or be working towards that goal then why when things have gotten hard would you be so willing to throw in the towel instead of strengthen a future companion and a relationship? I hope to think that we are all taught when we are young that the best decisions we can make are ones not done in a moment of passion (fear, anger, love, lust). "Just Say NO To Drugs" is definitely not the same as this but the principle is. I don't think it is really worth the pain to burn the bridge of a good relationship when you are upset and no longer thinking clearly because you have let your emotions run away with your reason. Your emotions are still valid and they are just as real but wait until you can communicate them and what incited them in an open and clear discussion with the people who are most important to you before you push them right out of your life.
When we are dating during our lives, whether we are engaged, married, searching, or whatever stage we currently find ourselves in... The only kind of perfect person out there is the imperfectly perfect person for you. There will not be someone who fits all your expectations, who is flawless and spiritual, who is gorgeous, healthy, successful, and who wants you too. You are imperfect so if that is the kind of person you are looking for then get over yourself. Those perfect couples you see are MADE, not found. It is the continual clashes early or even later in a relationship that got rid of the rough edges and smoothed what were two different pieces to make what is now one complete complementary whole. So if you are not planning on holding on during the clashes why are you committing to a relationship where that is inevitable for success? Probably the most amazing visual I have heard recently of this kind of choice to put the relationship and your significant other before yourself or a problem the two of you are facing was this:
Intimacy in marriage is a beautiful thing. There are differing levels from affectionate intimacy which we can see in our church buildings on Sundays as a husband scratches his wife's back as she leans into him, putting her hands in his lap, to passionate and orgasmic intimacy. These physical signs of affection can sometimes communicate more clearly and more effectively the kind of love and commitment one has to that special someone than anything else and at times can heal that relationship better than anything else. We all hear it is best not to go to bed angry... There is a common misunderstanding to this counsel. This does not mean that you have to resolve the issue or continue to hash it out until some mutual conclusion is reached. In the end, this can make you inadvertently cause your perspective to change and you will begin to see your spouse as an object that is in your way rather than a person that you hope to understand. Your heart will be at war and you will lose a great sense of peace. So when you feel the Spirit begin to wander a bit and your tempers or reasonings in your discussion drift from the actual issue, it may be best to take a break and resume the conversation later after letting emotions settle. In this kind of moment imagine the courage and the silent message portrayed on both parts of a couple with issues still to be resolved, that climb into bed together and accept the gesture of having one spouse reach for the other's hand. The simple touch can communicate the importance that spouse places on their relationship and its eternal nature and their companion and how it far outweighs any issue they could possibly be facing together. And that is exactly what they will do. They will face it and overcome it together. Faith is not just a principle we exercise with God but in all our relationships. We ought to try our best to have faith in ourselves, our loved ones, in each other, and even in humanity as a whole.
So do I really think I was some angel sent to help this girl? No, but that is what she kept asking me if I was. No, I am just someone like her. I am someone who has faced opposition, who is searching for something that I can trust in, and someone who has made mistakes because I wasn't patient enough to let the situation settle. Both sides of any story contribute to its outcome but it is hard to look for their perspective when you are still writing your side of the story. Take the time to stop, listen, and understand.
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