The Final Page

I still look for her name up in lights. When I think of an animated movie, I think of her. I wanted her to succeed probably even more than she did. I wanted her to be happy maybe even more than she does. I don't think I will ever know what that means or how I am supposed to feel but I know how I do feel: I want her to always be happy. And now that she is engaged, I hope and pray that he will take care of her. There are two sides to every story and in this one there were a few more than that but the end is only a beginning and although mine is still quite uncertain, I hold onto the hope that there will be some good in me and for me yet. I can see now that God wanted to bless her and help her in ways that I never would have been able to provide her. And I'm not surprised (and slightly grateful) that she never told me about the engagement, considering who and how everything happened.

I don't know if this is what I was waiting for or even if I was waiting... I really don't know. I guess I was afraid that if it had to be someone that it would be him and that I would have had to prepare myself enough to really mean it when I said I was happy for her. But I realize it doesn't matter how I felt about him because this isn't about me at all. It hasn't been about me for a long time - I am long gone. I am dead. I am barely more than a memory. I am more like those moments when you wake up and there is a faint part of a dream still in your mind, like a vague feeling and nothing more. Still, after seeing the news of her engagement, I felt like it was like looking in a mirror and she is right there over my shoulder. Everything as vivid as if it was yesterday. It is like living in fast forward on an emotional roller coaster except at the end of the ride instead of feeling sick, you feel like you got stabbed and you are just waiting for the ride to end so you can finish bleeding out.

Things naturally fall into patterns though. I thought I may have found a potential buyer for the ring two days ago. She had liked a video posted on Facebook by a mutual friend. I watched Frozen tonight with friends and began thinking of her. If I want her to be happy and be happy for her, then I have to remove myself fully from the equation. I have to completely remove myself emotionally because if there is any trace of the old me left then the past will become new again.

The only thing I can truly honestly pray for is her, for myself, for my future spouse whoever and wherever she may be, and that the hell I am going through is just a sign of the blessings that may be coming my way if I am able to lean on my Father in Heaven and my Savior and do my best to endure it well. I pray that this brings the closure I was unable to fully provide to myself. I need to forgive and I need to forget. I love her and I always will but if I am ever going to find happiness I need to learn to love again.