How Tight Is Too Tight?

I feel like when it comes to dating I have a problem and it is simple. I see the fleeting nature of relationships and the fear I have of their reality and how I hope that by holding tightly I can escape it instead of face it: Life is short. I feel like I know now how to deal with that apprehension better now than I did in the past but it is still a fear I have of being alone or unwanted.

Self-confidence comes from within and doubts come from outside so I try to avoid media and judgments and people who tear others down because of their own insecurities. Still, there are others that their insecurities tear at themselves because of the comparison they make between them and the next guy. I hate comparison. If I start wanting to see someone or date someone, I don't compare. Each relationship is new, different, and it cannot be approached the same way.

So what can I do? I am a man who has a huge heart and a lot of feelings and emotions. Am I supposed to change? Why can't I be myself? And if I do choose to not conform to what the world expects me to be then does that limit me? Am I less in some way because I refuse to meet expectation? Or are there places where I can meet others who accept others for who they are and not what they do? I want to feel accepted and I want to have someone to love, to serve, to share life with. But something so simple as acceptance is never so simple.

My fear is not so much of losing something that I already have but losing something I have yet to gain. It is a fear of not recognizing or not taking advantage of an opportunity when it presents itself. It is getting lost in the "what ifs" and losing sight of the now and building the relationship where it stands instead of trying to plan out every detail because I don't know and can't know what the end will look like. It takes two people and I don't have that much control. In fact, for the relationships I have been in the only control I had was over me and that will never change.

It is so frustrating and there seems to be no end to it and the biggest issue is that I am not okay with saying that it will never happen. It is not an option in my mind. It will happen and I know that the possibility in every relationship is that it won't get to that point. It doesn't have to be her or her or even her. But it will happen with someone. But the question is why? Is it a personal problem? Is it cultural? Is it religious? Is it part of being human? I don't know. But it is tangible and it is real and I face it and believe that it is not an option and I won't settle. I have learned like many of my other feelings that this has to be an internal struggle like most things in life. I put on a good face and pretend that it doesn't bug me and sometimes it doesn't, but rejection is hard. It is never easy. Things don't have to go wrong to be the wrong person. It is just a struggle that happens and for some reason continues to happen in my life.