I think I may currently be in one of the most interesting Marriage Prep classes available. My professor is as to the point and straight up as can be and yet he is funny, respectful, and understands that you can't make everyone happy so he probably will offend at least a few people in his class. In fact, if he doesn't I don't think he is doing his job correctly. When we talked about marital intimacy he said straight out that the best metaphor for talking about intimacy is no metaphor. He made it extremely clear that there is a fragmentation of intimacy when society tries to separate the physical from the spiritual, emotional, and relational aspects of intimacy. I love this guy! The amount of posts I could give from his lectures would be weekly occurrences but honestly a recent class discussion struck a real chord with me.
The discussion was about how society looks at cohabitation as a means of "test driving" a relationship before going into marriage. Whatever the reasoning behind this, the methodology is a hundred percent false. Marriage is absolutely nothing like cohabitation. Cohabitation means you don't have to deal with in-laws, family, kids, and you keep your independence when it comes to time, money, and in the end you are not locked into the relationship. If you don't like it, then you can leave at any time and move out without any real repercussions. Marriage has none of that. Why else would a man who is cohabiting respond the way that he does when asked... "You have been living together for years. Why don't you just marry her?" "Woah! Did she ask you to ask me that? Marriage? I don't know." If we were to carry on the "test driving" analogy, cohabiting is like test driving a SUV but after signing the paperwork having the dealer pull around a Sedan. Honestly, they are nothing alike. Here is where the comment comes into play and how this whole thing applied to dating.
Cohabitation is a "Just in case..." type of relationship. Now, let us look at that. I know plenty of girls who say that very same thing as they are going on dates with two... three... six different guys. Maybe the reason why I struggle so much in dating in Utah and more specifically Provo is because women (and I am sure men are not excused either) do not commit. If you are dating multiple people and can't seem to find a fulfilling or meaningful relationship out of any of them, it is possible it is because you are emotionally cohabiting and until you are willing to commit to one person and truly give it your all, you won't find that kind of relationship. Satan frees us to bind us in our choices and God asks us to commit so we can be free.
There is a girl who I really like right now that I would be willing to commit to a hundred percent but I have no idea how she feels. Well if nothing else, I guess that is a red flag that either she is shy or the feelings are not mutual. But the point is that I would be perfectly willing to clear the table for this girl. Still, I sat there the other day and thought to myself, "I am better than this. I don't need to sit here and wait for her to make up her mind. I am not going to wait for a girl that doesn't want me. There is no point." So what did I end up doing? Before the week was out I had four dates with four new and different girls planned for the next week. I can respect a girl who works or has a lot that she has to do for school and who dates a lot. It doesn't bother me at all... AS LONG AS she is willing to commit to making time for me. A girl like that is driven, has a sense of direction, a strong work ethic, has goals, and is clearly sought after. Why wouldn't I want to date a woman like that? However the key is that everyone can make time for someone else if they are truly interested. When someone says they are too busy or aren't able to commit... red flag. Aren't and won't are fundamentally different things so don't try to confuse them.
Will I still hold out and see what that girl I am crushing on chooses to do? Absolutely. I don't know where she is at and until we have a conversation where I can tell her how I feel and see how she is feeling, there is no reason to jump to conclusions or (socially) jump off a cliff. Still, the point I am trying to make in all of this is the "Just in case" relationship is not a relationship at all. Just like intimacy without commitment is the most frightening and emotionally painful situation that I could ever imagine... This person who is touching your body and creating a bond with you body and soul... Will he/she be here tomorrow? Do they really love you? Do they care emotionally? How beautiful a feeling it would be to be in a relationship where none of those thoughts and fears existed but that moment was experienced in such a way that your whole desire was to share your most intimate feelings and emotions with a person in whom you had complete trust, devotion, and love for. That same confidence in a marriage relationship can exist even in dating, but not if the dynamic is to date around with someone else there "just in case" things don't work out. The greatest compliment someone can share is not always saying "I love you" as much as it is for a person to say "I trust you."
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