The last week has been physically exhausting but a lot of fun and eye-opening at times. I have been able to keep myself busy outside of work and it has been a real blessing. Went on a few really fun dates, hung out with a lot of cool people, and just tried to keep out of trouble the best that I could. However, it is amazing how certain things never go away. And by that I mean mostly thoughts and ideas. One of which kind of started with a song I kept hearing on the radio for some reason.
The message I have been hearing all the time is that I am looking for someone that reflects me, who is like me, who completes me as my other half. I look at myself a lot to figure out how I fall short, who I am becoming, and how I can improve. I know that I am not perfect but there is truth in this. I always seem to notice people who I can relate to. I want to be with someone that could understand the things I have gone through or who can empathize.
The problem is the longer I have spent looking at myself the more I realize that I am not what I wanted or intended to be. I hope though that it is for the best. Socially, dating is different in Utah. I feel like we commit dating infidelity a lot because we won't commit to one person and try to date them but we date a lot of different people at a time. Sadly enough, this is a habit I have gotten into as I am trying to find a relationship. I want it to stop because without having faith in that other person and really giving them everything how could you or they ever know if it was going to work out? I don't want to do that any more. Really I want to go back to being in a relationship again. Having someone to care for, listen to, spend my time with, laugh with, goof around with, be myself, be serious and have deep conversations. I miss that.
Still, I am glad that I won't go for the first thing that comes along. I am becoming more patient but even that takes time. I am following the Spirit and heading inspiration I get and I am able to help people and discern things that without the full picture that He has, don't always make sense to me unless I follow it in faith. I am cleaning up my act, changing my desires, and becoming who I need to be. I just hope that things will make sense and I will stop finding things I can't have.
I heard an interesting phrase yesterday, "Movement is life." It is true though, movement creates heat and heat is energy and energy creates life. Standing still will cause us to stop living, decay, and die. We have to change. We have to move. We have to keep going because life is a journey and even though we may want to wait for things, we cannot wait forever. It may be important at times to watch and learn but trying to live in the past or even in fear of the future can make us lose out on the present which is a gift. Learning and having a perspective built on those are good but we cannot let that distract us from what is here and what is now.
Sometimes we wish to compare ourselves and the light that we have to other people. Our gifts and skills won't be the same as theirs. Their attributes are not always our attributes. But if we learn and mimic and follow the same steps that they took, in time we can become more like them. But we can not forget that what makes us special is us. You are what makes you awesome, the special ingredient.
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