Outside of that, things seem to be hectic at times. I have realized that I feel like I am really done chasing women. I feel like instead I want them to choose me and love me because I love them. I want to have that mutuality and respect there. I'm not looking for someone perfect because first and foremost, they wouldn't want anything to do with me because I am not perfect either. When it comes to our pasts though, the only person who keeps count of what we do wrong is ourselves and Satan. This isn't a game where whoever has the most or least will determine if we make it into heaven or hell. Every mistake and every failure and every sin have been paid for by the Savior and all we have to do is both forgive and forget in order to relieve ourselves of our guilt through repentance.
I had one of my friends after a long late-night discussion tell me, "Don't ever change." In response I replied, "Always am. Just trying to be better." Life is a continuous climb and we are always changing. This is the very nature of repentance. There is no payment plan, no tally taken, everything has been paid. It is done. It is complete. So the lesson to be learned is to accept the offer that has been paid and allow Christ to help us become more than we ever could be by ourselves. The pain we feel is not permanent but the blessings and lessons to be learned can be.
The gospel is not meant to be a list of do or do nots. It is a pathway to become what we are and were always meant to be - sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, perfected through Christ by His Atonement and the grace of God. Life is not easy and some trials will be so heavy that when we are called to bear them we think we won't be able to survive the weight of them. Our trials will be different than anyone else but that is because they are tailor-made for us and for our growth. If we look more closely at our lives with spiritual eyes we will see that we have never been asked to bear them alone. Christ has held us up and sustained even before we were born. We were never intended to fail and we never have to. It is a choice to drown or take the hand of the One that never failed. The One whose strength has held the whole world and overcame it.
I have some friends who have recently been through hell and some that are trying to regain their faith. Life is not easy and it doesn't slow down for anyone. It will take time for us all to heal, to grow, to have faith and to learn to endure and overcome. But through that process we are refined and perfected. I have learned in my life that most of the time we should learn from our trials instead of asking that they be taken from us. When we ask why me, we will get that answer. But it only comes after the trial and it only comes when we are willing to push through it and never give up. I hate to think of the things that my loved ones have to go through but I love them and I love God. In trusting Him, I know that everything will be alright in the end. But while we wait for our answers, I want to be there for them in a way that they know that I love them and I will be a strength for them if they are again willing to lean on me. Time is not a healer but it is a necessity for love to take its course and fill all the gaps in our lives and widen our perspective and understanding. We are never alone. Never. We just need to open our hearts and our eyes to see the love and let it in.
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