Sunday, September 6, 2015

Patience... My Young Padawan

The title for this post is ridiculously nerdy and stupid but sadly enough it fits... I am frustrated right now. At 27 years old, I am learning how to date all over again. I like one of my friends in my ward. We go on dates and hang out a lot but this actually may be hindering me as much as it is helping me. She has a really tough job and we talk a fair bit so I want to see her and spend time with her partially because as her friend, I want to help her to be happy and selfishly, it makes me happy. I really like spending time with her! However, it can be too much at times or more accurately I can be.

She knows that I like her more than just friends and she knows that I am willing and want to see if we can move in that direction. So with that sitting in the back of her mind, she feels a lot of pressure to be at the same place as me but it takes her more time than me to naturally move from friends to deeper feelings, so in turn I feel the opposite pressure to be self-aware and slow down. The more time we spend together the harder that is for me and she feels subconsciously some guilt that she isn't there already too. It has been a month... Maybe even three weeks... I can't remember. The hardest part is I think I am slowing down when I'm really not and I don't even notice it. So instead of continuing to try and fail to figure out what is the right pace for her, I'm just going to give her the keys and let her drive for a bit until I can really understand where she's comfortable.

I want her to be happy and spending time together makes us both happy but for starters, when we spend time together I need to keep it lighthearted and not so deep. We need to do "friend" things and do more relaxed activities. I want her to feel comfortable and I want to be friends regardless of what happens so this is super hard for me to bury any feelings and thoughts that I might have for her. I have tried to turn that part of me off for years so I could go slower but it's never worked. I guess I am going to have to try a little harder this time. I like this girl and I feel like she is worth the wait however being patient is going to be super tough.

It is going to be hard to bury my feelings. It is going to be hard to not be jealous when she creates friendships and spends quality time with other guys. I'm really not okay with that but honestly, it is a great thing for her to make a bunch of friends, get her feet settled here, and really figure out if she wants to date me and if she has those feelings for me. I feel like I want to do the same but I don't want to push her away either so instead of dating around, I think I might just get a gym membership or something. And I hate gyms... (Sigh). Who knows? Maybe if I get my sexy on that might speed up the process. Hahaha... Seriously though, it is going to be hard to see her struggle with the difficulties of her job and not be able to support her because of the possibility of scaring her off or coming on too strong. She can be jealous if I spend time with other girls or feel scared or guilty because of where I am emotionally in comparison to her. It is going to take time and it is going to be hard but that IS natural. Relationships don't come easy and they take work and time.


Christiana:  She says that if you love her, you will not lose another match. She says that if you love her, you will win this tournament.
Chaucer:  There she is William. The embodiment of love. Your Venus.
William:  And how I hate her.

Regardless of how frustrated I feel, we both simply need to be more present. She has a lot of fear of commitment and I don't know if comes from not wanting to get hurt herself or hurting others in the future or it could be associated with some part of her past or a past relationship. My anxiety comes from the possibility of missing an opportunity or not being enough. If I could learn to just focus on the now at all times instead of only when I am with her then I wouldn't worry or think about things that are out of my control. I guess the only way to see what will happen is to keep trying and wait and see if anything changes. I really hope that it does...

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