Burning Bridges

All I know over the last few weeks is I haven't felt this tapped out and exhausted in every possible way in a very long time. Physically, I am sick, tired, and sore. Mentally, I feel slow. Emotionally, there isn't a better word to use than drained. I am literally at the end of my rope and I feel like I am hanging. I simply can't figure out sometimes if the rope is what I am hanging onto or if it is a noose around my neck.

I was nervous and had mixed feelings moving back home. I didn't like the phrase that seemed to always come to mind that this was my "failure to launch." I felt at times that my MBA was basically a failure. I failed to find a way to use my natural gifts and abilities in a career that I could be proud of or that was emotionally and mentally engaging. I struggled for weeks to find friends in my new Ward and when I did, they lived a hour away so it seemed unrealistic to actually spend time with them on a regular basis. These are only a few of the sad truths that I would find myself saying when I wasn't fighting my very hardest to try and remain positive.

I knew that I needed to get a calling in my Ward to stay active and to continue to drive down to Boston for church every Sunday. The call came quickly and unfortunately it wasn't an easy one either. I would have to wake up even earlier for early morning church to be on time for bishopric meetings and PEC and Ward Council as the Ward clerk. But this again wouldn't be so hard if I felt like I actually fit in. I feel like a continual outsider so even when I did meet someone who I could actually relate to and enjoy spending time with, I wasn't inclined to want to do many group activities. Part of that is due to how I hate large group activities where there are lots of strangers. It makes me feel small and insecure. The other part is due to the fact that I struggle to find people I trust or that I would like to get to know.

So here I am on the edge of a Ward with what feels like one social tie to it and as I continue to spend time with her and get to know her, I find myself starting to have feelings for her. I do my best to be respectful and aware of her needs and pace but I always end up giving more than I get. Each time we have a moment where we are becoming closer, she pushes away. After a month or so of going down to see her multiple times a week to spend time with her and support her, I was tired of having to apologize for my feelings, watching her flirt with other guys, and making space for someone in my life who didn't take the time to let me know whether or not she even cared if I was there. The paradox is that the only thing I wanted to do was to make her smile and help her see how special she truly is. It's sad because the most common thing she says nowadays has changed from how much fun she had spending time with me to how all I do is add drama to her already stressful life.

So when it finally came down to it and I began to tell her some of my frustrations today expecting to talk things out, she blows up at me and leaves me standing there shocked, hurt, and alone. Add this to a week where I went into a diabetic coma, crashed my car I recently bought, and got trucked off to the hospital in an ambulance. Hours later I still feel used and confused, not knowing whether it is worth it any more to try and put out the metaphorical fire I see of the burning bridge between me and her or to just stand back and watch as I let it burn to the ground. How is it so easy for a single match to destroy something you put so much love, time, and effort into building? I think the answer lies within how much did each person personally invest and sacrifice to get things to that point. I was the one in the past that reached out to stop past fires from growing but I guess it's my turn now to stop and see how she chooses to react.