Distance isn't a Killer... It's a Measurement

Distance truly is a killer. Distance in any relationship makes things difficult. My failed engagement ended partially because of long-distance. I have friendships fade because of long-distance. People look at me as no longer caring or becoming too selfish. Some relationships can't even begin because of long-distance. It is one thing to be a state away but it is another thing to be a country or a continent. There are simply fewer things you can do or share in those situations. It simply makes things more difficult. So why do I go so far as to say that it is a killer? Guns and bullets don't kill people but people do. So does distance truly end my relationships or is it something else?

I think distance is an excuse. If people wanted to be there, they would be. If people saw the value in making things work, they would. Maybe we expect it to fail and so we stop trying. There are a lot of variables and reasons why things can and will get messy but all relationships have that. Relationships are complicated in their very nature. You are dealing with emotions, varying perspectives and schedules, and so many other things that it is practically a miracle that they even work. And if they fail, they do so in relation to the effort put into them.

Currently, I live a hour away from my friends in my Ward. It takes two hours to spend any time with any of them and that's if traffic is good. It makes FHE hard. It makes Institute hard. It makes church hard. It doesn't make it impossible. So that leaves the real question of whether or not it is truly worth it. Do I ever personally get invited to things or activities? Do I feel personally accepted in my Ward? Do I feel like there are people that actually care? Is there a feeling of brotherhood? The answer to all of these questions is no. Is it their personal responsibility? That is also a no but I have tried. I have asked people on dates. I have gotten to know people's names and interests. I have made it known many times that I don't get emails or I don't have the items I need to fulfill my calling. I make due and I get by.

I feel like the main reason is a cliche: Out of sight and out of mind. Living far away, people don't think of me and since I put on a strong persona, people don't realize how hard it is to keep coming when you feel like no one would even notice or blame you if you stopped coming. I reach out to my friends to find out what they have been up to and they talk about all these activities they have gone to or been invited to. I ask if they will invite me in the future. Nothing changes. I am on the outside looking in and it is with a group that I expected I would be accepted by or belong to.

Maybe one of my friends was right and all I see or want to see is drama. Could I keep banging my head against the wall and see if anything changes? Sure - I can keep trying. But I can't see a different way to approach it and so I struggle to expect anything other than the same results. Physically moving closer to the Ward is something I financially cannot do, especially with my work hours changing in 3 weeks. I feel like the lack of success I had courting this last girl is analogous with the success I am having courting this Ward: Used, abused, and easily forgotten. Distance isn't the killer. It is simply a good measurement of your perceived worth by others. I simply have to continue to remind myself it isn't an actual measure of my real self-worth and look for new ways to share my talents and then maybe my perceived worth will go up.