Saturday, December 28, 2013

Understanding the Walls

One of the things I have realized is although I love spending time with my family, my family is huge! I have a brother, sisters, parents, their families, and then I feel like each of them have their own "family" of friends wherever they go. I feel like I have my immediate family. I can't even explain how important I think it is to have that and to value them so much but then, if it is important to me then why is it that I don't feel like I have it when I know that in the back of my mind that I probably do.

I always wanted to grow up to be like my namesake and grandpa: Glenn Collette. He was loved by almost everyone and loved everyone. Sometimes with a tough love. He wasn't perfect - let's be clear. But at the same time, I feel like the ward that I live in now out at school is a bit... unwelcoming. That is probably why they have so many activities that are rescue efforts. I have never tried so hard to extend myself and try to get know people and continually get cold responses back. Still, I know how important my relationship with God is so I keep going and I don't jump wards because going to the temple and knowing my leaders is important to me too. In our church, your congregation is based on location and geographical areas along with priesthood presence.

I want to be able to feel like there are people who care about me and that are willing to let me become a part of their lives so I can care about them too. If it continues to be this bad next semester, for my own sanity, I may move somewhere else, which sucks because my roommates are fantastic.

Either way, I need to figure out of this break whether the walls that I see in front of me as I try to get to know different people, are they theirs or are they mine? Walls are responses of the body to emotional damage as a way to protect the heart. So that begs the question, is the person who cares less in a relationship really in control or are they a hopeless cause? How much effort should a person be willing to put in before it is past the breaking point? When is it good to let go and how do you do it? And maybe if I search hard enough I will find inside myself "an invincible summer."

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