Whose Memories Are These

I know that I am a dreamer. Sometimes those are the dreams of an optimist and other times they belong to a cynic and a realist. I have these ideas and dreams about my future relationship with my future wife, which is becoming harder and harder for me to be realistic about because I'm not sure if it is ever going to happen. I think about all these situations where I am falling in love with her in little ways and then I think how much I would like to really have someone in my life. I have so much love to share and no one to share it with, so why do these thoughts and dreams feel so real? Why do they feel less like a dream and more like a memory? Are they my dreams or are they the memories I have kept from loves lost and experiences shared that are not mine but my family's and my friend's?

"When we first begin fighting for our dreams, we have no experience and make many mistakes. The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and get up eight times." (The Alchemist)

I feel like The Alchemist was written explicitly for me. I know I am scrappy and tenacious and never give up but sometimes I just feel like I want to be done. The problem is that whenever I get to that point emotionally, I will meet someone new or another opportunity will present itself and I am back at it again being the hopeful romantic. So why do I feel like I have an inability to have a relationship? One of the most interesting pieces of advice I have gotten socially was that I might be too much of a good listener. I need to share more of myself, what I want, what are my goals, and where I want to go in life. Sometimes I will have a conversation with a stranger and after 20 minutes they will stop me and say, "What is your name again? I don't remember if I just didn't catch it or if I never asked." For too many people I am a great counselor and friend but they don't know enough about me to ever want a relationship with me.

"You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say." (The Alchemist) 

I want to help everyone around me. I want to love everyone I meet. I want to be the old romantic. I want to be the playful flirt. I want to help people reach their potential. I want to have deep and insightful conversations. I want to inspire, motivate, and bring other people happiness. I want to be a husband and a father. I want to make time to play with my future kids. In essence, I want to love and be loved in return. These memories, whether they are my dreams or someone else's experiences, both inspire and haunt me. I can only hope that if I am patient my dreams will someday happen and for the moment I can find peace.

“Hope - Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, Whispering 'it will be happier'...”   (Alfred Tennyson)