One thing that I am good at is knowing myself. For the most part, I can clearly see my strengths and my weaknesses and I either choose to do something about them or just not care one way or the other. It is kind of sad but it is my choice and some day I may grow up a bit more and work my way through these things. I really don't know if they are technically a bad thing so for the moment I have chosen to embrace them as part of who I am choosing to be.
I am currently choosing to work on being better with taking care of my car. I have these nice little Saturn sedan I bought from my grandparents a while ago and they took care of that car like it was a baby. It was so pampered and clean and well kept. I decided that I needed to learn how to take care of it a bit more. So today I went and bought some more windshield wiper and steering wheel fluid for it and that wasn't so bad to figure out. I added way too much steering wheel fluid but I was able to soak some of it up and get it back to the right levels but the sad thing was how incompetent I was when I replaced my actual windshield wipers. I felt completely helpless and retarded as I struggled to get the old ones off and replace them. It should of taken all of 5 minutes but I was probably in the parking lot of AutoZone for at least 20 to 30 minutes plunking around on my car. That is NOT okay. So I need to fix my lack of knowledge in cars and I need to do it soon.
Outside of that, I really have a lack of desire in getting to know some of the guys here in Utah. I know I should be focusing on the girls in the first place but it is nice to have some friends to hang out with or to go on group dates with. But lately, the guys I have met that I am new to are really tools in my opinion. I am sure that really isn't the case and I just don't like doing the same things as them but I can't help it. These shirtless wonders have their macho personalities and really it is just a fake persona. If nothing else, I feel totally incapable of carrying on a real conversation with these guys because the things they talk about make me feel uncomfortable. It isn't just because we are in these big group settings but the whole pool and lake scene that is huge in Utah is just not me. It is not my style. I guess what I am saying is that I realized that I don't have to get along with everyone and it is unlikely that I ever will. I don't know if it is a problem with me or that I shouldn't have these negative feelings but I really don't know what to do or say. I can't figure out how to relate to these people who don't know what real work is, have any goals, or any real sense of a long-term perspective. They seem to live for the moment, the rush, and personal pleasure but the real issue is how it feels like it is all about them and it just a bit repulsive to me and I don't know why I am thinking like this. I don't think that I am typically so judgmental of people but lately it has just been the trend. It is like the Jersey Shore moved to the valley for the summer.
I found some real nice people too though. I am making new friends and I found a nice place to move to if I decide to come back to Provo for the summer. The rent will save me $200 a month and I am still looking for work. But I honestly still feel a bit lost and confused and a bit of an outsider with the crowds that have moved in for the summer. The people I relate to are working and moved out for internships and then the party crowds moved in and they don't seem to have the slightest bit of initiative in their entire bodies. And speaking of their bodies, I think that is the only thing they really care about anyways. I hate to cynical but I am not really feeling like I found anywhere that I fit in lately and my frustration with the whole thing is starting to make me unwind. Anyways, I am going to be here for the rest of the weekend and church tomorrow and then back to Salt Lake I go. This transient needs to figure out where "home" is because right now I feel removed from the world I live in.
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