Monday, August 20, 2012

Wants... Needs... It is All About Becoming


I think the reason that people get tired is because we get stretched thin and we don’t know where to turn.  A lot of people feel like they need to do everything alone.  A lot of people don’t know that anyone else even cares.  We are all so busy and so caught up in our lives that sometimes we forget the people around us who have been supporting us the whole time.  I have been one of those people who have been forgotten and even worse than that I have been one of those people who forget.  I have a lot more growing up to do because I can still feel and remember that feeling of not being appreciated.  I need to be able to help and offer someone else my hand in friendship and service and not get down when they choose to do things themselves or when they turn to someone else.  I need to help people and not have to feel appreciated to be happy about my service.   But what I need and what I want aren’t always the same.  And I think this is where I am struggling in accepting God’s will for me right now.

What I want right now:
  • I want to feel appreciated and I want to feel like I am loved.
  • I want to be married right now because I have finally found the right person.
  • I want Tatiana to be accepted into BYU and not have to deal with the political and academic run around.
  • I want to feel like what I do has meaning and that the people that I think about and love the most felt and think the same way about me like I do about them.
  • I want to be there to support and protect the people I care about from the difficult things they face and to keep them safe from harm and from pain.
  • I want to be someone’s best friend.  I want to be their everything.
  • I want to feel like I am moving forward instead of continually slipping backwards each time I finally feel like I am on solid ground again.
  • I want to be confident and comfortable with who I am individually and in my relationships with others.
  • I want to be with my fiancé and not thousands of miles away.
  • I want to be able to recognize that feeling which lets me know that I am moving in the right direction and what I have done is right.
  • I want to have the kind of faith in myself and in what is happening that I can feel like I can just let go of everyone and everything that I care about and know that no matter what happens it will all be okay.
 What I need right now:
  • I need to be the right person because I am not ready to be married (I don’t think anyone is truly ready…).
  • I need to let go of my fears and trust completely in Tatiana and read less into things.
  • I need to take each day one  at a time and have faith that whatever happens in Australia that in the end Tatiana and I will find a way to be together and that she will be able to overcome any obstacle that she is faced with and that when she needs me she will reach out for help.
  • I need to be patient with the different things that are happening now and talk less and listen more.
  • I need to express my love unconditionally.  I need to communicate clearly and more simply.
  • I need to express sincere excitement for other people and worry less about my future.
  • I need to be happy for others in their successes and the things that make them happy.
  • I need to be happy with who I am and excited about who I am becoming.  I need to be more positive.
  • I need to work on focusing more on the things I have to do and am accountable for.
  • I need to pray more for the Spirit so I can overcome the loneliness that I feel.
  • I need to study my scriptures with purpose and true intent so that it is meaningful.
The problem is that I want good things but I can be better if I chose to work through the things going on in my life without murmuring and with more faith.  And where I find myself now, it is not only that I know I can be better but if I am going to be happy and be successful, I need to be better.  I have never done things the easy way… my friends and family tell me that all the time.  However, the hardest struggles are always the ones that others don’t see or don’t know about that happen in your own mind… criticism, doubt, contradiction, impossibilities, uncertainty, etc.  Sometimes I just wish I was Alice… “Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”  Life is tough but that doesn’t stop life from being good.  I have been blessed in many different ways and I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am not going to give up.  I have too much at stake.  I can do this.  I need to do this.

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