Typically I write for an audience. It is easier for me that way, but now I write to me for me. I want to make a plea for my heart and my soul. I know what I want in life and although my desires are good, I still struggle all the time. I am not reading my scriptures. I don't pray. I am barely going to church. I attend but outside of that I pretend in putting anything into it. It's not that I lack faith, but I lack faith.
I know God is real. I know the Atonement and the Gospel to be true. I know that my sins are specifically designed for me and I know they hold me back. But I feel alone and my natural man seeks refuge in immediate solace instead of having the patience and faith to pursue what is eternal and I know to be true. The temple and everything within and a part of that Holy House - I know to be true. I know that God still uses me in His work. I have seen Him do it recently. And I know that through Him I have found myself in the past. Now, I wish to put my past in the past and truly begin to move forward.
The path is unclear and destination unknown. I know the first few steps I must take. I have taught others to do the same for years. Again, I pray for faith. I pray that others will pray for me too. Faith to act, to trust, to live for God. I don't know if my future is tied to someone far away in another state, in another country, or in another place. I can love people with all my heart. I want to do that. I can pray for them and want their success and happiness. They come to me in my dreams and show me the life filled with happiness, real love, and joy that I desire. But that is only possible with and through God. So if I don't know whom I am to be with or how to get there, the least I can do is make sure I am with God so when the time comes I am ready. I need to choose to invest.
It doesn't matter about the other people and how they act or choose to live their lives. Their sins are their own and we all will struggle with them. We struggle with them because we like them. But I do not need or want to let them become my stumbling block too. I can only change what I can control and that is me.
I need to study my scriptures, pray, go to church and family home evening, and I need to be more productive with my time. I need to put myself in good places and surround myself with good things. I need to be brave enough to remove myself when I am not. I need the courage to regroup, recenter, step away for a moment so I can refocus one shot at a time. Every choice is different and yet they all affect my future. Every choice is new. I can change and we can change in a moment. We have to seize those moments. See it. Feel it. Trust it. And then we might find out way back home.
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