Listen to a Heartbeat

On Valentine's Day, I don't know whether to be grateful or pitiful. Seriously, it is an amazing day that should be celebrated every moment of day. A day to remember the relationships, friendships, the value of the people in our lives, and a day to take the time to say the things you always wanted to say. It is funny that I have so many friends that can't even visualize me being shy or accept the fact that I am holding back all the time. It is unusual that I have enough courage to say and do the things that I do. I can have full deep conversations with people that are complete strangers. My friends will ask me afterwards how long I have known them assuming that we were close friends but I will reply that I met them that day. I was talking to my roommate about this that it is amazing how much people are willing to share if we only take the time to listen and by that I mean listen.

How our interactions would change if we asked questions and waited until the other person really said everything that they needed to say... Not wanted to say but really needed to say. If we are willing to hold through those awkward pauses and listen. There is so much being said in those moments of silence... Hearing people find the words, catching their thoughts and breath before flooding you with confessions of emotion, watching people find the courage to say something so important, and really hearing them. Hearing their heartbeat. Hearing what makes their heart beat. No one is as beautiful as they are when they are completely emotionally vulnerable and naked. It makes me smile just remembering those moments.

When I take a long hard look in the mirror though, I never do this with anyone but myself and God. I don't know if I feel judged by other people or I don't trust them. I don't know what I wait for. I want someone to want me. I want someone that loves me more than I do myself. I want to be able to tell someone that I really love them. I want to be able to say those words with every fiber of my being and then struggle to express every reason why my heart beats for them and them alone. I don't know if I hold this back because of the pains from my past... the betrayals, the cheats, the walk-aways, the stone hearts, the bleeding hearts, and the ones beyond feeling. Even when I fall, I still know how to pick myself back up and learn to love again. Through it all I have never forgotten who I was and what I am worth.

"I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don't need to be. I am the way God made me. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away."

I know my value and I also know that all I ever really wanted is someone to stand beside me. I never want to feel alone again. I want to know and feel God's love every morning of every day as I wake up to see the light shine across the face of the person who I will love the most, both in this life and the next. I will cherish her and I will serve her and I will never let her forget that she will always be the most beautiful and kind and loving woman in my eyes and I would never want anyone else.

It is hard living up to such great examples of a father who taught me how to love and respect a woman like he did my mother. It is hard to find a woman who serves as selflessly as the one that gave you life. And for all I know it may take my whole life to find someone, but in the end I know that we can find happiness at any stage in our lives. Love helps us never lose faith in others and in ourselves. No matter what our status is in life, know that we are loved and it is because we are loved that we are able to do anything.

"The moment you doubt whether you can fly you cease forever to be able to do it" (Sir James Matthew Barrie).