One of the things I continually remind myself is that I have to remember that I am never alone. I may look like I am alone but that is not true. He is always quite near as long as I remember to pray. I don't know why I get these feelings sometime but they don't ever quite go away but they leave long enough. I am just strong enough. I was serving at a homeless shelter tonight in their soup kitchen. I had showed up earlier to wait for the rest of my group and with all the darkness I felt around me, the first thing I saw were scriptures posted on the walls. So I pulled out my phone and I prayed and I read and I thought about Christ. There was peace that lifted from the words on those pages. The Spirit has an ability to calm my nerves and speak to my heart. But before the dinner began, a worship service started. It was an interesting crowd listening to this preacher speak of a Savior that sounded more like a general than He did a brother and a friend. There was fanfare and there was yelling and hollering but with all the excitement I didn't feel like He was near.
When I got home after we were done and got on my computer before starting my homework, I hopped on Facebook. I looked around at my newsfeed and the posts that had been made and as I looked at all the people and what was happening in their lives, I felt alone. It wasn't the same darkness I felt before but the doubts began to creep in. There isn't anyone out there for you. No matter what you do or how good you become, you are going to be alone. Not the you-don't-have-a-date-for-Valentine's-Day alone but you are going to be alone. I thought of all the wonderful people I know and the amazing people I am getting to know but those thoughts weren't going away. I tried to think of the amazing women I have dated recently and all I could hear were the fears and doubts of uncertainty and confusion. But my mind was brought back to a line in my patriarchal blessing where it talked about asking for the Spirit to help me when I am afflicted with feelings of loneliness. I decided that is what I needed to do.
I prayed with all the hope and wanting in my heart. Slowly the darkness began to creep back and expose more and more of my blessing. I will have a family some day and I will marry the woman of my choosing. I will learn from her and love her and together we will lead and guide our children. Imagine that... One day I am going to be a father. It is hard to see right now but it feels right.
God is real and He is god because He never breaks His covenants nor His promises. I have seen it time and again. No matter how dark things get or how hard life pulls you in different directions, He is always there. He is constant. And He loves you. He knows you. If we have real faith then we will have nothing to fear. I must be lacking in that as of late but I am working on gaining more of it back. I believe in God and He believes in me so that has to count for something. I can do amazing things. I can see and help others see the amazing good that is held within them. If only I didn't tie so much of my self worth to this idea of needing to have a family and be married then it might actually happen. I have seen what impatience brings in this aspect or part of life with my own family. I don't need that heartache any more than what I have now. I need to be in the present and appreciate what I have. I need to serve more. Show and share more gratitude. I need to give a sincere compliment to a stranger. I need to call someone I love just so I can hear their voice. I need to see more of my nieces.
The amazing thing children have is innocence. How do we lose that along the way? Why is it so hard to find once we are older? Children see the world and all of its beauty. They love unconditionally. The last time I went to see my family here in Utah, my niece giggled in excitement to see me and after running across the room in a fashion that was something between a waddle and a bouncing ball, I lifted her up into my arms. The smile on her face lit me up like a new flame and when she reached up to touch the scruff on my chin, her hand stayed long enough that I knew it reminded her of her own dad... my brother. This was home.
This was what that felt like. I had almost forgotten. It had only been weeks but why did it feel like years, I do not know.
It is hard when I feel like I have so much love to give and yet I am so afraid of being alone. This is what makes me hold on so tight and makes me wish that the other person would never let go. I want to be wanted. I know this is only one of the reasons why I come on so strong. There is an inner fear and I think it is still a remnant of broken relationships in my past. It frustrates me though because I am not my past. I am who I choose to be. I do not have control over what will happen or even how or when things will occur. But I still do have a choice and that makes all the difference in the world.
No matter how dark the world may seem I can still choose to hope for a brighter future. And not just hope, but have faith. Today and every day we can have happiness and love. Hope is grown from remembering moments like these where even when we are alone in the dark, light starts from within and it grows as we pray.
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