I know we are all our own toughest critics and we are the only ones that know the desires of our hearts. I hate how my weaknesses seem so blaringly obvious to me and sometimes I feel like they are inescapable. Typically I am an optimistic person and the other day I was catching up with friends. It started to get late. I needed to head home. As I was heading out the door, I started to join a conversation that I am very passionate about: relationships and dating. At the end of the conversation, I left feeling like I had made those present very awkward, defensive, and even possibly offended by what I said. The comment that helped me realize my mistake from a close friend who as I gave her a hug, said that I shouldn't be so cynical. That one reply hit me like a ton of bricks in the face.
If there is something I don't feel like I am, it would be cynical. So what made me respond that way? What pushed me to say the things that I did? Then I realized it. Fear.
I am afraid of being alone.
Some people understand me. I can write for hours and I am a deep thinker. I am perfectly fine going to a movie theater to see a movie by myself. I love to go for unplanned drives and long walks to clear my head and feel like I am going somewhere. I like to take time to talk with God and try to determine my standing before my Maker. I feel uncomfortable in big crowds and at parties but I like to have fun. And as independent and carefree and don't-care-what-anyone-else-thinks persona I put off, at the end of the day that bravado or courage or whatever it is still doesn't help me feel any less alone. And more than that, I don't care what everyone thinks of me. But what I don't think people understand is that I do care about what a few people think of me. I never want to feel invisible like I used to feel in high school. I literally would sometimes feel as if I would go completely unnoticed. I know that idea was probably only a feeling and not a reality but that feeling was real and so it affected my perspective. I never want to feel that way again.
The only safeguard I have is the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I will try and plan things and maybe they will work out. At other times, they only work out part way. I can't remember how many trips I have planned where no one seemed to want to go and then later on, I found that they did want to but I was just not invited. I can't really accurately convey or express the emotions or feelings that created inside of me of worthlessness, un-wanting, and exclusion. But thank God, it wasn't the case all of the time. God could always be my sanctuary. I could always turn to Him. Still, it is hard to fill a life with Him in all aspects and there are certain ones where you need someone who can physically be there.
I don't know why I care so much. I don't know why I try to put myself in other people's shoes in order to better understand their perspective so I can better help and love them. Life and my parents have been great teachers. I hope to find someone some day that will care enough about my needs and wants as I will try to do for theirs. I hope they will protect and safeguard the physical nature of our relationship as I will try to do the same for the emotional and relational nature of it. I want my wife to not only trust me with her safety and well-being but with her heart, her thoughts, and her dreams. I want her to feel open in discussing her innermost feelings with me because she knows I will keep them safe. Until I find her however, I will have to settle with a relationship with myself and I don't know but there might be a reason for that.
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