Lack of Sleep

This is just one of those nights. You know the ones. The ones where you just can't seem to fall asleep no matter what you do because you just have so many thoughts in your head. It always seems to happen this time of year too. I think it is because of General Conference. The conference happens annually and semiannually, once in the beginning of April and then again in October. It is the time when the prophets and apostles come and help the world through the inspiration and guidance that they have received from God. For me it is a time to really reassess how I am doing and what I can do in the future to become better. Kind of like New Year's for most people. But in the end, I just find myself awake at night taking the time to go for a walk and just think things over.

It is funny because I don't know if I really am too much of a deep thinker as much as I am an observer. I notice a lot things in people and in the world around me. But there really isn't a lot of people out at night. It is quiet because of that; the world is sleeping all around me. The silence is beautiful. The night has the lights of the city, as I stroll through this urban forest. The river of water flows past me rolling down into the grates. My feet crunch the newly fallen snow. It is more of a dusting than anything else but it is beautiful. The small layer of white, with the lights of the city illuminating everything, reflecting off all the wet surfaces and off the clouds above. It is as almost every sound and light have become one, just as the dark and the light, the day and the night, it is peaceful but very much alive. It is funny really, if I was asleep I would miss out on all of this. It really is suprising all the things God blesses you with when you finally realize how grateful you are. Sometimes I really love having that terrible condition of having a lack of sleep.

The Blindside

Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or a mistake, but you are not supposed to question adults or your coach or your teacher. Because they make the rules. Maybe they know the best or maybe they don't.It all depends on who you come and where they come from. Didn't at least the six hundred guys think of giving up and joining with the other side. I mean... The Valley Of Death! That's pretty salty stuff.That's why courage is tricky, should you always do what others tell you to do. Sometimes you might not even know why you do something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason you do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important then you have both honour and courage and that's pretty good. I think that's what the writer was saying, that you should hope for courage and try for honour and maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some too.

I'm Here... Kind of

The last couple of days... weeks actually... have been interesting. It has been ups and downs and overall, I don't know where it has taken me, looking back in hindsight. If I wrote all the things I have done recently, it would be quite a list. Whether it is finding new friends, losing and loving, falling back and moving forward, it has all been quite a journey. Still, things have come together recently as this semester is coming to an end. My grades are looking up, I won't be living under a bridge or in a cardboard box next fall, and I have learned a lot about myself. I learned that even though I go to my classes, I feel like none of that matters. The only thing I really look forward to is spending time with my family. School doesn't really matter all that much to me... the grades, the tests, the homework, etc. It feels more like a job than an obsession. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong. But it doesn't fascinate me. People do. And I can hardly wait to go home.

Whether it is spending time with friends, family, or just spending time doing things that I can't normally do, this is when I relax. Those are the times that I finally feel alive. Camping in Zion's National Park, competing in DanceSport, hiking Mount Timpanogos, having a Serenity party, or just taking a walk by myself to get away from it all. I really have a lot to be grateful for.

You see I am only here because this is the only place I ever wanted or expected to go to school. But in all reality I am not really here. I am here but I find myself wanting to be somewhere else. Anywhere else but here. Maybe it is just the monotony of the whole thing. Maybe it is the lack of the feeling of true family... true love. True love... feeling connected to one another in such a way that you are emotionally tied to each other with something that can not be expressed in words... a comfort, a peace, a reality, loyalty, patience, sacrifice, trust, passion, and unity. If I could find that here, then maybe, just maybe I would be able to focus. Then I might be able to sleep at nights knowing that I have everything that makes me happy.

Until then I am, like I said before, here... kind of.

A Fortunate Accident

I am a believer in fate. I believe that things happen for a reason. There is choice but our choices are predictable. We grow and change and mature, but we as people are predictable. There will be certain ways that we will respond in specific situations, and as we continue to learn and grow, the more we become what we always were and what we were meant to become. "You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith." "Faith in what?" "Destiny."

I think that as we live our lives in this manner, we continue down our individual paths, intertwining with the rest of the human race and the rest of the universe. I hold to the fact that out there as our paths intersect and cross and jumble, somewhere out there is a soul like our own. We all have people whom we are able to connect with, to be happy with, but is there someone who could make us the happiest. Is there a soul mate out there that we were all meant to find? Someone who we already know and love and are but seeking. Will I recognize her when I meet her? I hope so.

Let's go do something...

Alright, what do you wanna do?

I don't care.

Alright, come on.

The Two Way Mirror

Am I who I aught to be? Does it matter who I aught to be? Am I myself or do I put on a good face for the crowd? How do I see myself? Who is that man in the mirror? I have seen a lot of things in my life but a lot of what we see is subjective. There really is truth in the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

What is beauty? Is it honesty, reality, goodness? Is it appearance, size, shape? Is it in you? Is it in me? Who are we really? There is so many answers to so many questions, but there is never one answer to that question, it is always changing. Growing, falling, dying, living, and becoming. In the end of the day, what is most important to me is what I have become. Who am I? Now if only everyone could see inside of me as He does. The real me...

Walk With Me

We walk along through the drifting snow, the little pieces of clouds that have broken off to touch us softly and disappear on the wind. Little pieces of peace and solitude that move in utter silence until they fall upon you. They are cold. Like the shiver that runs up your arms and spine that make your hairs stand on end, but only for a brief moment. Still, she notices and you smile, only a little embarrassed, and you squeeze her hand. You are only human. She smiles back with a twinkle that almost says I caught you. That playful smile that brings light to her eyes and causes your heart to dance. So you pull her in closer as you continue strolling through the winter night. There will be warmth soon but the journey is still ahead, but it is lit. The moon lights up the snow as if you are in a black and white photograph. The shades and contrast cause your moving figures to almost leap out to eyes of the natural world as it moves around you. As it moves through you. You are a part of it just as much as you are a part of each other. In unison you leave your mark, small footprints in the snow.



But you don't look back, because what is behind you? What is so important back there, when everything that you want is with you and in front of you? So you move on, smiling. Knowing that everything will be alright. Soon there will be a fire roaring, laughter in the air stirring with emotion and the smells of cocoa and cider. That this perfect silence is as much of a beautiful contrast to that near future are as those colors around you in the night. But just as the blacks are incomplete with the brilliant light, so does this moment complete you. She completes you. And so as the world continues to turn, and time drifts slowly away, the snow will fall as you walk closer and closer to your future. This is my composition. This is my Music of the Night. Strolling in the moonlight.

Life is like a Library

You ever have places where you just feel at home? A place where you can go to collect your thoughts and your feelings? For me a library is such a place. It is filled with information, opinions, people of the past and the present and all their experiences. These books are memories, and being memories are windows to them. My life is much the same. But I have not read every book or read every author. I would want to. There would be so much to gain!

In my life, I can see these "books." Many of which are just beginning and some have passed on but I enjoy to picking them up and rereading them. To see where I have been opens a vision to who I have become and who I can yet be. But again, like any book, some you can start reading and see that you will not be able to finish it. It doesn't capture your imagination, involve you into the story, doesn't incite a deeper way of thinking, whatever it is, it just doesn't do it for you. And then there are the classics... the books you just can't put down, ones you want to reread over and over and over again. It is a treasure to find such a read. But people are like books in a library, you do not own them. And if you don't spend enough time you may not be able to get to the ending before it is time. And then they are gone.



It won't matter if it is a classic or if it is a book that turns into a pillow by page four. People move on. So what I am saying is become captivated by those in your life. Be involved. Be in every page of their life, savor every word, every moment. Be someone worth remembering. Become a memory. There is a wonderful phrase within the scriptures and it is, look and live. Well, in this context I say love and live. The people I remember the most, I loved the most. Every moment felt like it would last for a lifetime. Do not give it up because if you wait you may lose it and then it will be gone. Some live in the past and forget their present, so their future fades and they become a thing of the past. So live now. Learn to love and you will have learned to live forever.

Checkmate

So I was talking to one of my roommates today and it made me think... go figure. I thought about something my dad had taught me to do a long time ago. He was teaching me how to play chess. First we started off with a game called take-me. You try to put your pieces in places where your opponent must take them and the first one to clear their side of the board wins. It is supposed to teach you what not to do, that way when you play a real game you can avoid making stupid mistakes. Then, he taught me a simple rule of thumb and it is to think two-steps ahead. If you didn't have a plan or a goal then it is real tough to be able to see not only where you are going but what your opponent was planning on doing as well.

You can take these same things and use them in real life too. You can think two steps ahead and try to figure out what people are thinking, to see what you need to do to reach your own goals. You know what you don't want to do, so don't put yourself in a position where that may happen, where you can be "taken." But as I talked to my roommate I realized that some times I took these things too far. Right now I am studying to be a Mechanical Engineer in college. It is a good occupation, will pay well in the future, will have good benefits, and it will help me get where I want to be. But is that really what I want to do? And that is where my roommate and I's discussion began.

The question is not really what do I want to do. There are hundreds, thousands of different things that a person CAN do. But what they SHOULD do is completely different. You see every one of us is an individual. We have different personalities, skills, likes and dislikes. We are all different shapes. And kind of like a little baby with its toys, you take the block and put it in the hole that has the same shape. You really shouldn't be trying to jam yourself into any old "hole" or job that looks good. First you need to figure out your "shape" and look for what you can fit into. So again the question is not really what do I want to do. The question is what am I made to do? Who am I? Where do I fit in?

Even though I think I would make a fine engineer, would I truly enjoy it? Would it wear me down? There is a lot to think about and lot for me to discover, so why wait! The time is now. But I guess what I am trying to say, is we need to figure out who we are, how we move, how we tick. Which piece are you? Are you a pawn and only move steady and straight? Are you a knight and jump, jump, jump around? Are you a bishop and only move side to side? Whatever you are you need to figure it out, otherwise you may end up in a place you didn't ever want to be without really knowing how you got there in the first place. And then, checkmate... Take control of your life.