Trying to Convince Myself

I sometimes like to pride myself on being a lone wolf or not caring what other people think. I like to feel like I can read people pretty well or that I am witty and sarcastically funny. I like to think that I empathize with others and that I am a good communicator (or at least try to be - my mother would say that you can never ask me a yes or no question because I am too political).

Right now, I don't feel like all of those things. I can write my feelings here because the only one that comes here to read them is myself. When I use my blog, I feel like I can be more honest because I am not writing for an audience and this is not looking for pity or self-reassurance. But I do care how I perceive I care how this can be seen. I care about looking weak and vulnerable. I feel like to the best of my ability (and I will admit I am clearly out of practice) I have tried to find friends, people to hang out with, individuals with shared experiences, someone to date, someone to listen to and to talk with. I live by myself in Arizona and I get long periods of loneliness even though my grandparents and my uncles live minutes away.

It is nice to go see them and spend time with them. It is nice to be around people. Still, I feel like I am missing being around people my own age. I feel like I recognize or my perception is such that the more and more time I spend with my cousins the more I feel like to them I am that older single unmarried cousin - an outsider of sorts separated by years. When I try to talk and make friends with other people I get lackluster responses and am not invited to participate. There is something to wanting to be wanted and to feel like you have a place amongst others like yourself. And each time I try to invite myself to things or find mutual interest and common ground, I find myself getting rejected. In the past, I would brush that off and think it is simply a round peg trying to fit itself in a square hole. The discouragement comes from the fact that it just keeps on happening. And once I have continued asking and asking, I have started to become tired in asking and I start thinking maybe I am not someone they want there. I am not good enough.

Maybe I am arrogant. Maybe I am overweight. Maybe my hair is too long. Maybe I am not as vulnerable as I think I am and instead I am pushing them away. Maybe that is why so many bridges got burned in San Diego when I left. Maybe I am the problem. Today, we discussed the question of what do I lack yet in church... Maybe I don't want to know the answer because I am trying to convince myself I am doing better than I really am when in reality I am the problem. I try to be hopeful that God can make the best of an empty canvas or even one with issues like mine - he can see the potential perfection in each of us and that is why he has hope for us. I don't think I am too far gone. I do believe we can and consistently are changing all the time. I just see the common denominator in all of my recent interactions and are beginning to feel like maybe I just don't belong.

How does one find happiness in their life? My mother always talks about how I used to be such a happy little kid. What changed? Did life just kick me down too many times that I became cynical and I am making people not want to be around me? Enough thinking about the why... HOW DOES ONE FIND HAPPINESS AND VALUE IN THEIR OWN LIFE? I know I shouldn't look for others for validation but right now I feel like I can use a little help seeing the good when all I see is an empty room. Maybe what I am really trying to do is convince myself that I won't always be by myself.