Conflicted

I think it is amazing that there is always a price to be paid, a sacrifice for happiness. Take our emotions for example. The companion and the contradiction to pain, suffering, war, loneliness, and forgotten loves are pleasure, happiness, peace, love, and fond memories. There is literally nothing in the middle. "Let me ask you something. Why are you alive? You exist to continue your existence. What's the point? To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking." The interesting thing about it is that an event can cause such a variety of emotions based on our perspective and the situation itself. Death of a loved one versus the death of a tyrant. Life and love are connected and intertwined on every level. Every situation is different and it is the perspective we take that helps us choose how we respond. The feelings that come as you love a stranger are a different kind of love than when you love your best friend, but it is love still the same.

The point I am trying to stress is that we can't always choose our circumstance but we have control over our emotions. We choose to feel. We choose the heartache and the love. It is ours to have and ours to choose. "The first thing you learn about emotion is that it has its price. A complete paradox. But without restraint, without control, emotion is chaos. The difference is being that when we want to feel, we can." Maybe that is why it is called falling in love. You lose all control and your emotions run away with you. You can't stop thinking about them day and night. You do things out of the norm. You have that bounce in your step and smile in your face. It takes control and when it finally settles... well, I hope that you find yourself waking up to see her beautiful face asleep in your arms. And as you sleep the day away, you close your eyes only hoping that she follows you back into your dreams. It is something that you can only hope you will never wake from or if you do that you can find it again just as fast. You are like choosing whether to stay inside with a warm blanket and a movie or to just go out and drive until you leave the city behind so you can see the stars. There is no wrong answer but still I am so conflicted, as I sit here waiting with my phone in hand trying to figure out what is the next step. There are so many questions that I want you to answer but I will leave them unsaid. Unsaid until I can't hold it in any longer and I burst and say everything that is in my heart. Why does restraint feel like being in reverse when it is just supposed to help me keep this all under control? I guess this is what it is meant by Hard Goodbyes...

"The clock strikes one
And you're still running in circles in my mind
And it's the best things have ever been
The best things have ever been

"The clock strikes two
And I'm still falling for you
And with every tick of the tock that's on the clock
I'm longing for you

"So I'll curse the ceiling
'Cause it's the only thing that's keeping me from lying under the stars
And I'll curse the distance between you and me
'Cause if it weren't for it you'd be here in my arms

"I wish that you were here to guide
My weary head to rest
Because every word I sing without you
Is a waste of my breath
Hold me up don't let me down
Just stay with me tonight
Whisper in my ear I love you
So sweet dreams sleep tight

"And I head for the door but you stop me short
Because it's getting harder to say goodbye
Lean in where our lips can meet
And please don't let me go
Just hold me here with you tonight

"And you count the beats
Of my rapidly beating heart
And I feel so alive
Wrapped up here in your arms
And you count the breaths
As I drift off to sleep
And I feel so in love
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
Knowing you have fallen in love with me

"So I'll curse the ceiling
'Cause it's the only thing that's keeping me from lying under the stars
And I'll curse the distance between you and me
'Cause if it weren't for it you'd be here in my arms"