Friday, December 5, 2014

The Hopeless Romantic

My friends have told me time and again that I need to be present, to take it easy, be patient and many similar things. I feel like I am trying but apparently I have been anything but successful. I have been trying to date around lately but as usual all that means is that I really like one particular girl. And as my typical self, I failed again. She wants to be friends. Most women think this isn't the kiss of death but accompanied with the comment that I don't see you in that way... It is.

After getting some great counsel from a friend, I went to FHE on Temple Square where we planned to get some hot chocolate and look at the lights. It was a lot of fun but I did it by myself. I couldn't find anyone from my ward but I took it as an opportunity to think and to pray. So after walking around the grounds, I finally found a quiet bench on the backside of the temple. I sat down and pulled my arms inside my coat and across my chest and I began to pray. As I prayed, I began to confess to God the many frustrations and obstacles I had been facing and plead for the strength and the patience to overcome those things (whether that was feeling alone in the crowd, watching as my bank account withered away, lacking the incentive or desire to continue to apply for jobs when I kept hitting walls at every turn or facing the things out of my control when it comes to dating - basically everything).

As I sat there trying to understand the counsel and words I had heard from my friend, I couldn't help but feel so small and out of place. Here I was surrounded by hundreds of happy people, families and friends, feeling completely alone. That loneliness was the consequence of my own actions. When I really care about someone, I listen, observe, and try to understand everything that was said and left unsaid. I want to ask them questions. I want to understand. I want to help and show that I care in any way that I can. One of the things I like to do is write handwritten letters. I like to carefully think about my feelings and the words I want to say as I craft each page. I sit and think about that person. I like to think about them as they are and as they say who they want to become. I think about the memories or moments that we shared and the ones I hope to share in the future. I am the hopeless romantic.

Little do people understand or see the tears just under the surface. When I love so fully and so deeply, it is always too soon. It is too much. It is like I become an exposed nerve because I wear my heart on my sleeve. Having someone who wants to know what truly matters to you, what makes you tick and what it means to truly understand you... It scares people. It is so hard for me to stay on the surface even with surface relationships. I see when people are hurting because I can recognize certain kinds of pain... The ones I have felt before myself. I want to hold them and listen and let them know that it is going to be alright. I can see when people are excited and I want to hear their stories. I laugh as I hear them give me the play-by-play accounts. I want to hear a person's story as I try and write my own. It isn't all serious all the time. I can barely be serious for longer than a few minutes. I like to have fun and I am quick with wit, sarcasm, and all types of humor. I like to make people smile and I like to compete. Still, I have a hard time having people stick around long enough to see all of these sides of me and give me a chance to really love them and so there I was feeling and recognizing my own insignificance on a bench in the night amidst a huge crowd alone. The thought came into my mind that again it was patience. I felt like things were going to be okay even though they weren't now. I felt like although I was being comforted there were too many questions.

I got up to head back to my car to think some more before driving home and that was when I ran into her. She and her roommates had come up to the activity as well and were also lost. I tried to remember what my friend had said about being super nice and then leave. Show her what she is missing. I came up and smiled and we all talked for a minute and as we turned the corner, she and I talked a little more and both couldn't help but smile and then I apologized because I had to leave them to head back home to work on some assignments and projects. As I walked away, I just felt this huge pain in my chest start growing as it felt like I was turning my back on the one person that could fill the void that I had been feeling so much lately. It hurt as I got to my car and as I drove silently home with music playing in the background all I could think about was how much I wanted to stay.

I wanted to take photos of her and her roommates. I wanted to get to know all of them. I wanted to be friends with all of them. I wanted to hear her laughing and see her smiling at me but all I could hear in my head was her asking for more space. That smile that was once directed at me felt like a knife twisting in my chest as I imagined her and her roommates being happier with me gone. Maybe she didn't know whether or not she liked me but because she was pushing for more space said what she did. Still, she wouldn't know how much that really hurt. All I could think of mile after mile was the idiot I had been. I should have said things differently. I should have been more relaxed. I should have done this or that. I am not good enough. No one wants to love someone that they haven't had the chance to trust first. So there I was, driving home and thinking of someone that I felt drawn to while fighting back the tears as I considered that once again my actions had left me to the privacy of my own company.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Sweet Jordan...you are too hard on yourself. It makes me sad to read this and realize the depth of the loneliness you were feeling when you wrote it. You are mistaken when you say you are an "idiot" and "not good enough". When I think of you, I think of someone who is kind, witty, caring, grateful, handsome, loyal, faithful, clever, humorous, smart, and so much more. I have learned throughout my life that although disappointments are plentiful, they eventually pass and make room for the blessings we seek. I know that Heavenly Father loves each one of us perfectly and knows how to comfort us, bless us, listen to us, and strengthen us. His timing is not our timing and at times it feels like He has forgotten to send us the blessings we most want. He hasn't forgotten. The blessings will ALL come in due time. There are lessons to be learned in suffering, loneliness, and disappointment. Unfortunately, these lessons usually can't be learned in any other way. Try to be at peace with your current situation. Go about your life with an optimistic spirit and the sure knowledge that at some point in time, you will receive ALL the blessings your heart desires. Look around you for opportunities to serve. Count the blessings out loud that are daily before you. Visit the Lord's house as often as you can. You will feel inspired and uplifted and loved. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your family in NH and remember that there are MANY ( especially me) who recognize your many gifts and love you more than you know! Hope to see you soon. Aunt k

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