Then there was the books I read over the break and the people I have met since I have been back. It was a huge whirlwind of emotion and information. When I finally land on my feet I am with friends but I am alone. It is hard to explain. It is a process of both running away from where you have been but also running towards who you want and want to be. So I decided I would take a trip back to Provo and try to find myself among my memories and in a way I did.
Earlier I had caught up a bit with some close friends of mine that I have known for about 5 years now. I probably know them better than they know themselves and vice versa. It is something that you see in few friendships where you can cut through the surface and get to the heart of the conversation. My friend has carried things through her life for a long time as have I and we are able to work through them and talk about them together. But I had forgotten what that felt like. The ability to ask the right questions and see into someone's heart. The ability to reach out to help them realize that they are loved exactly how they are without having to use any words at all. The ability to put a smile on someone's face by helping them see the perfection within the imperfection that all too often is highlighted in the mirrors we have in life. And then afterwards to be able to do that whole thing again with one of their roommates, a perfect stranger. It is both a blessing and a curse. I would love to get know them better but as always my timing is never quite right and everyone I know seems to be struggling in one way or another - hard relationships, tough times, or broken hearts and broken engagements, etc.
Life is hard but there are moments of clarity. There will always be periods of time where we are stretched thin or brought to our knees but there are other times too that are moments full of peace and meditation. A sunrise or a sunset... Mine the other night was a full moon. Visiting those same friends, I was snowshoeing through American Fork Canyon. There was no lights or lanterns needed and as that full moon continued to rise higher and higher in the sky, its light shone on the glistening snow. Everywhere you looked, the shadows painted a picture of the sloping drifts. Light and dark mixed with a beautiful myriad of blue and grayish tones. Never before had I understood or ever seen real "glistening" snow. It was as if wherever you looked the sparkle or light of the very stars above had fallen and were now scattered around my feet. It was as if a peace of heaven surrounded me.
This was after I had made a choice. We were snowshoeing and not a whole lot of people brought the required gear, myself included. We had planned to cross a stream or two unknown to me but when we got to these areas, only a pair of the men in the group had boots so that they could stand in the water. However, that pair did not have the strength between the two of them to move the logs into place or were vocal or decisive enough to take up the part of the leader. Knowing that I planned to leave early and would have to cross later on my own, I decided to jump into the water as well. My tennis shoes got wet and my socks soaked and my pants would later freeze into the shape of bellbottoms, I stood freezing in the water helping people across. One of my friends whispered loud enough for me to hear,
"You stubborn ass. Your toes are going to fall off and I'm going to laugh." "Thanks Chuckles." "Honestly, you shouldn't be doing this." "You are probably right, but did you honestly expect to find me anywhere else?" "No. I guess not."
Although I was only being sarcastic and playful her answer carried sincerity. It's true. In my life I have made my fair share of mistakes and sadly, sometimes more often than not. I overthink things and I often am too strategic. I think 3 or 4 steps ahead and so instead of being in the moment I am working an angle to get where I want to be. But when sacrifices need to be made, I can rationalize things and can come up with whatever reasons I want to but in the end my friend knew me better than I did. I came up with my reasons after I had stepped into the water.
I don't know everything in life and I certainly haven't seen everything either. Honestly, I want to help people. What drives me is that I want them to succeed. I am willing to sacrifice or take on other people's pain so that they can be happy. Still, I feel blessed to have shared such a sight that I will never forget as the moon shone across that snow. I don't know if it was the beauty of it or the temperature but I forgot (or couldn't feel) how cold I was and instead just lived in that moment. It was a gift that the moon could truly bring such clarity to my life and that the experience could bring me back to me.
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