Strolling in the Moonlight: Pretending

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Pretending

One of the things I chose to do when I left high school is to stop pretending that I am someone that I am not. I was super shy and I never felt like I was able to be myself and the stories go on and on about how I was everybody's friend but I just didn't say much. It was partly self-esteem, partly fear of failure and rejection, and partly a lack of inexperience. I didn't enjoy high school.

Right now, I am not reverting to my old self but I am being asked to pretend to not express how I feel. Patience is a hard lesson to learn and like I was telling one of my friends last night when she was asking me about her girl problems... All problems that face girls begin and end with men and so really it was boy issues... But the issue always is that we as men are able to stay friends after a period of dating up to a point. Once we break that point in the dating period, we can't just be friends if the relationship ends. I have been able to stay friends with almost everyone I have ever dated except one and that relationship still needs closure if it really is over. The reason I mention patience beforehand as well as pretending is because right now, the only way I can stay friends with her is to pretend that all of our memories and experiences and good times that we shared... every smile, every laugh, each touch... that none of it ever happened and that it never existed. Yet those are the very things that binds me to her with what feels like an inseparable bond. I still love her and I know what is expected of me is to act as if I don't. She knows. And I know that I need to be there for her as a friend but I can't do or say anything about how I continue to break down inside each day as I wait to see if she will ever realize that no one can ever love her or accept her or forgive her like I can.

Women Problems	Men Problems

Pretending to not care... pretending to not feel... pretending to in essence to be heartless towards that one person that taught me how to love unconditionally literally feels like it is killing me day by day. Men have problems too. It is because we are asked not to feel when we do. If only she accepted the fact that she still loves me and that we still have a future together.

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The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Serenity

"But it ain't all buttons and charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flyin' is? Well I suppose you do, since you already know what I'm about to say."

"I do. But I like to hear you say it."

"Love. You can know all the math in the 'Verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as a turn in the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells ya she's hurtin' 'fore she keens. Makes her a home."

"Storm's getting worse."

"We'll pass through it soon enough."

Scott Russell Sanders

"When the pain of leaving behind what we know outweighs the pain of embracing it, or when the power we face is overwhelming and neither flight nor fight will save us, there may be salvation in sitting still. And if salvation is impossible, then at least before perishing we may gain a clearer vision of where we are. By sitting still I do not mean the paralysis of dread, like that of a rabbit frozen beneath the dive of a hawk. I mean something like reverence, a respectful waiting, a deep attentiveness to forces much greater than our own."

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

"When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.

I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."

Your life is an occasion. Rise to it."

Ender's Game

"In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it's impossible to really understand someone, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them-"

"You beat them." For a moment she was not afraid of his understanding.

"No you don't understand. I destroy them. I make it impossible for them to ever hurt me again. I grind them and grind them until they don't exist."

Strolling in the Moonlight

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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Pretending

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