Prayer and Fasting

So I have been doing better lately than I have in the recent past but some days just seem to be harder than others.  I try not to entertain thoughts of discouragement and doubt but occasionally they linger a bit longer than I want them to.  They are feelings of why should we keep going, how much longer can you continue like this, or what is the point in your plans when so much rides on the decisions of others.  It is just a feeling that comes out of nowhere that as you stand on the street corner you wonder what it would be like if you just walked out into the middle of the intersection and laid down... Not carrying about the outcome but just wanting to close your eyes and be able to not feel any more.  I have felt that way at times but I know that would only be the easy way out.  I don't know if these feelings come from doing things that bring back memories of times when we were together and doing those same things now that we are apart but it tears me up inside to a point that I can not really describe but the pain and the loneliness is so immense.

I know that God has a plan for me and I know that the trials we are asked to face don't last forever.  If I endure them and endure them well than hopefully the lesson that I need to learn or the attributes I needed to gain will come quickly and if not then I only hope and pray that God will give me the strength and the patience that is required of me.  I always hope for the happy ending and maybe it will come in time but right now I am in a lot of pain and I am doing everything I can to hold it all together.  As I was walking home from campus today, I just ran my hands through my hair until they were behind my head and as I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, I felt the sun on my face and the tears as they began to slide down my cheeks.  I prayed.  I prayed that God would let me come to Him.  That He would be there to embrace me and hold me as I felt my heat and my spirit break just a little more inside of me.

The only thing I can really do is try to focus on the things I can control.  Right now I am working on my schooling, making time to study my scriptures and attending the temple, but whenever an opportunity arises where I can help someone else or I can see the needs of others I do not hesitate to come to their aid.  I am not trying to downplay my situation or pretend that right now I don't feel broken and at times compelled to be humble or even feel less than I am, but I know by looking outward that the Atonement will have greater effect in my life and as I obey the commandments I will find that peace that surpasses all understanding.  God's love is so amazing and so many times I feel like I am not worthy of it or even deserve to be heard or noticed by a perfect and holy Creator but I guess that is why it is so wonderful.  I am grateful for the sacrifices that have been made in my behalf and I hope that I can live up to the faith that my Father in Heaven has in me.  I only hope that I will see myself as He does and that clarity will once again return to me in helping me understand and see what my future holds.  At those times when I am breaking or silently crying out in excruciating pain, I know that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."  I have come too far to give up now but I am also not so prideful to realize that I can do it or have done it on my own.  So if you are reading this, please... Please... Keep me in your hearts and in your prayers.  And also, please pray and fast for Tatiana.