The Wanderer

I tried explaining this feeling I have to a friend of mine.  I feel like I don't know what home is any more.  I come back to my parent's home or I stay at my brother's and there are people there that love me.  I know that they love me.  But for some reason that I can't explain, when I am there with them I feel like I am lacking.  I feel like I am missing a piece of me and without it I am out of place.  I long for a companion and a family of my own.  I know I must be patient.  I guess this is the loneliness that I was supposed to prepare myself for.  I must have more I have to do to prepare myself for my future.  All I know is now I feel like a wanderer going to and fro trying to help where I can and looking to both the future as well as the present.

In the past, I have learned a lot and experienced much.  I had hoped that it would never come to this.  I hoped I would never feel nothing for someone I loved so much.  I feared that if that ever happened then it may have been that I never loved her in the first place.  But even now, I still shed a tear or two hoping for news that she is okay.  Hoping that she is happy.  There is no way to change the past or to say exactly what the consequences of our choices will be, but we can determine the direction in which our lives can go.  We may have lost what could have been ours together but that doesn't mean we still won't each have those same blessings in our futures if we continue to direct our lives towards God.

There has been one more lesson that I still have to learn from my experiences of this last year.  I learned that I had to let go of everything and trust God that He would take care of those that I loved when I no longer could.  I had to to trust that God would keep them safe, that He would help them find peace, that He would heal them and make them whole.  Now I just have to believe that He will do the same for me.  Just like any prodigal son tired from his travels, I simply have to follow my feet home.