7 Reasons Why You Should Never Pretend To Be Someone You're Not

We can be anything we want to be, but we can't be anyone we want to be. You can be a scientist, a chef, a dancer, an entrepreneur, a writer, an artist, an astronaut, a president, but you have no choice but to be yourself.

Rather, you have no other wise choice than to be yourself. You can try to be someone you're not - plenty of people try - but they all ultimately fail.

We all have a multitude of character and personality traits. Each trait we possess is possessed in a certain amount; the prominence of each trait varies from the next, just as the prominence of each trait varies from individual to individual.

The Big Five personality traits in psychology are openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism. Of course, these are the most basic - each trait correlates to a cluster of related and more specific traits.

I took the test myself and then I had the chance to get an interpretation from one of my professors. He is a doctor in psychology. He said that,

I interpret this as a "person builder" profile. Or someone well equipped for what is sometimes called servant leadership (an unfortunate name). The key feature here is the combination of high extroversion and high agreeableness (social and prosocial) along with the combination of high conscientiousness and high openness (creative and disciplined). It helps that you aren't crazy too. This profile suggests that you would have both the capability and intrinsic motivation to mentor and train others and would see their successes as your own (that is, you could be genuinely happy for others - not everyone can do that).

This profile is well-suited to executive management (where people are better off for your attention and you rise through the ranks based not just on your own skills and networking but on your mentorship of others) and also areas such as education, coaching, and counseling (which have rewards of different sorts).

Every person possesses these traits to some degree and the traits fluctuate in intensity throughout our lifetimes. In other words, we do have some control over how intensely each trait manifest itself.

However, as just about everything in relation to psychology and consciousness, it's much more complicated than that. To keep things simple, each trait has a natural or comfortable resting state.

The traits do have some elasticity, but as with all things, there are limits.

Pushing certain traits further than they are naturally inclined to be affects all the other traits - supplementing some and decreasing the prominence of others.

Pushing some traits too far, literally trying to be someone you're not meant to be, is one of the worst things you could possibly do.

You will almost certainly fail.

Pushing yourself to be someone you're not set up to be is not easy. Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in situations that require us to adapt, to be someone we aren't.

At times of crises, we find sufficient reason and motivation to turn ourselves into the people necessary to get the job done. But this sort of transformation is usually unsustainable. Being someone you aren't meant to be may be possible, but opportunities for failure are endless.

If you do succeed, you certainly won't be happy.

Because we have somewhat natural levels of each individual personality trait, pushing any one outside of its limits is uncomfortable.

We are creating tension by pushing ourselves to think in ways we don't usually think, to act in ways we don't usually act, and to do things we don't usually do.

This may all be fine, as long as you stay active and too busy to slow down... but as soon as you do, your world can come crashing down on top of you.

Continuing to pretend you are someone you're really not will eventually make you crash and burn.

You may be able to push yourself to the limits and do so for years, decades even. Nevertheless, one day - even if it's your last day - you will come to realize that you have wasted too much time being a person you simply aren't.

Experiencing such a huge loss of time can push you over the edge.

To make things worse, before you crash and burn, you will likely push yourself further and further in the wrong direction - guaranteeing maximum misery before you fall apart.

It's sort of like drinking or doing drugs - the more you consume, the worse you feel... the worse you feel, the more you consume. And then one day you take a look at yourself and feel sick to the stomach.

The longer and further you managed to push yourself, the more painful the fall back onto reality.

By the time you accept defeat, you would have caused immense damage - to your mind, your body, your relationships and your whole life.

Such immense changes in personality traits usually occur in a person's 20s or 30s, when the mind is most prone to change. This means that the life we created before this changing point is one that we weren't happy with, or couldn't appreciate.

When we change our traits, we do so because we want to change our lives. Sometimes by wanting to create change so badly, we end up losing all the great things about the life we once had.

You are you and only you; you may wish you were someone else, but you aren't and will never be.

The person you are at this very moment has been built over years and years of learning and interpretation. Your experiences have hardcoded you with certain behavioral traits as well as a particular line of thinking.

All of this is arguably mutable, but whether people alone are capable of entirely rewriting their personalities themselves is almost certainly impossible. You are you. Accept it.

Pretending to be someone you're not for long enough will cause you to lose the person you really are, or that you once were.

You may have never been entirely certain of who that person was or is, but now you have pushed yourself so far in the wrong direction that the person may be lost forever.

Not everything is undoable. Not everything can be fixed or mended. Some things, once broken, will remain broken forever.

Reasoning on Atheism

"Supposing there was no intelligence behind the universe, no creative mind. In that case, nobody designed my brain for the purpose of thinking. It is merely that when the atoms inside my skull happen, for physical or chemical reasons, to arrange themselves in a certain way, this gives me, as a by-product, the sensation I call thought. But, if so, how can I trust my own thinking to be true? It's like upsetting a milk jug and hoping that the way it splashes itself will give you a map of London. But if I can't trust my own thinking, of course I can't trust the arguments leading to Atheism, and therefore have no reason to be an Atheist, or anything else. Unless I believe in God, I cannot believe in thought: so I can never use thought to disbelieve in God."

- C.S. Lewis

15 Things That Define The Difference Between A Man And A Boy

By Sean Donnelly

If you are a woman and you seek a man, then it's simple: Stop chasing the boys. As guys, we hear complaints from women all of the time. Women complain about juvenile, non-ambitious, promiscuous boys.

Generally, you seek people who fit your attractions; therefore, you get what you ask for. To the contrary, if you don't expect much in life, you will tend to feel comfortable and settle for less.

So ladies, if you want that accomplished, nice, successful and fun guy who has his stuff together, step up your game. It is not just age that defines the men from the boys, but character and action, too.

To make it easier for you, I developed a list of how to separate the men from the boys:

1. A man does not live with his parents (for an extended time).
2. A man has his finances in order.
3. A man does not let his butt hang out of his pants.
4. A man's language does not revolve around slang - if he swears in every sentence, proceed somewhere else.
5. A man doesn't refer to sex with vulgarity.
6. A man has a stable job and does not get fired constantly or live on unemployment payments.
7. A man takes you out and understands that him paying is a discussion, not an expectation.
8. A man defends you.
9. When around friends, a man still acts as he would with just you and treats you with respect.
10. A man does not check out other women in front of you.
11. A man surprises you and helps you when you need it.
12. A man hates when you cry and does what he can to ensure that it never happens. If he truly cares, his heart will be just as sad to see you in distress.
13. A man will willingly watch chick flicks with you at times.
14. A man is constantly trying to better himself via education and work. He enjoys sharing his knowledge with you.
15. Men prefer to give than receive.

Today, men and women may seem to be on different pages when in reality, most of us want the same thing. Do not settle for less when you deserve more. Also, why waste time with boys when you know that they wouldn't last in a long-term relationship?

Furthermore, if you fight constantly, do not force something that will never work and will just cause more stress. It is essential to find someone who makes you happy and stick to what you need. These people are out there; it just takes time to find them.

To find a crappy relationship is a lot easier than to find one that's awesome; the odds are always with the majority, not the exception. If the guy you meet is all about himself and a taker rather than a giver, you should move along.

A guy who is really interested in you and who cares will be proactive and authentic with his interest in you.

To find that man, try dating outside of what you are used to. Also, don't be afraid to stick to your idea of a man and not bend your standards due to fear. It is imperative for you to know first who YOU are and what you need.

If you try to deviate from this, you will just be unhappy later in life. There is no point in starting a relationship that you know won't go anywhere.

If a guy wants you and know your standards, he won't wait to step up his game and make the shift from boy to a man.

Why We're All Still Single

I read an article lately that was truly cynical about the dating habits of my generation. I feel like lately I can sincerely relate. I may not see or have experience with all the same things he mentions but I do have experience with a few different things. I will quickly relate parts of his argument and then follow it up with a few brief questions of my own.

"According to data released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 50.2% of Americans 16 years and older are single.

"In a report aptly titled 'Selfies,' economist Edward Yardeni points out that there are more single Americans right now than at any other time. Yardeni noted that half of American adults are not married, compared to the 37.4% in 1976.

"He also reported that young adults, compared to their predecessors, are more likely to rent a home than own one, and never-married young adults are less likely to have children.

"We're bucking the trend and it should feel good. But sometimes it doesn't. We're constantly comparing our lives to that of our parents' at our age, and that needs to stop.

"Because as outdated as those years without internet and cell phones are, so is the dating culture of the baby boomers and their predecessors. You can't compare the technology of different times, so why do you think you can compare the social culture?

"We don't just live in another time, but on another screen. We the children of technology, the daughters and sons of the boom.

"We're worried about shattered iPhones more than ruined relationships. We don't need to go out to movies when we Netflix. We don't need anyone because we're perfectly content with ourselves.

"So for all of you surprised with the new, here's just 71 reasons we're all single:

1. Because it's so much easier to go home with Netflix.
2. Because you'd rather send 140 characters than say three words.
3. Because we're all just another swipe.
4. Because we can't talk without alcohol on our breath.
5. Because we have our real face and then our Facebook.
6. Because there's always somebody better looking on Instagram.
7. Because nude photos.
8. Because you'd rather not find out three dates and $500 later they actually suck.
9. Because careers are more important right now.
10. Because you can't commit to finish a book, let alone finishing someone else's love story.
11. Because your Seamless account doesn't talk back.
12. Because we love our selfies more than anyone else.
13. Because you'd rather go out with your friends Friday night.
14. Because we'd have to make it Facebook official.
15. Because we'll never be Jay and Bey.
16. Because we don't want to admit our parents were right.
17. Because you don't want to date someone who's not gonna be your last.
18. Because GAMES.
19. Because he'll never look like Tom Brady.
20. Because she'll never look like Giselle.
21. Because you don't want anyone to know how much "Game of Thrones" you actually watch.
22. Because we're holding out for something better.
23. Because you like your bed the way it is... with just you in it.
24. Because filters.
25. Because no one's taking you to brunch.
26. Because dates are a 2 am text.
27. Because it's easy to hide behind a screen.
28. Because you don't even know who you are.
29. Because you don't have a job.
30. Because the only self-analysis you've ever done is your "about me" section on your OKCupid profile.
31. Because dinner is awkward.
32. Because you won't put your cell phone down.
33. Because you don't like to compromise.
34. Because casual sex.
35. Because your pride.
36. Because there's no reason to commit to one when we can have them all.
37. Because Snapchats have replaced real chats.
38. Because our sex will never be like "50 Shades of Grey."
39. Because sweatpants.
40. Because we don't feel like shaving.
41. Because shower sex doesn't actually work.
42. Because our exes won't stop contacting us... on some sort of social media.
43. Because there's never just one.
44. Because no one likes to watch the same TV shows as you.
45. Because we drink too much.
46. Because we value our alone time.
47. Because we don't like to be bothered with out problems.
48. Because a lot of people are crazy.
49. Because you'll never love anyone else as much as you love yourself.
50. Because ordering for two on Seamless is more than our weekly budget allows.
51. Because we've been hurt before.
52. Because splitting the check is awkward.
53. Because we're living at home.
54. Because the thought of "getting to know someone" means asking and answering questions - and ain't nobody got time for that.
55. Because it's harder to get into the club as a couple.
56. Because we know it's just going to end.
57. Because marriage makes us want to throw up.
58. Because we're no longer scared of being alone.
59. Because there is always something about them you don't like.
60. Because no one is worth introducing to mom.
61. Because it'll happen someday.
62. Because you don't want to subject anyone to your family's version of Thanksgiving.
63. Because you have you. (And most days, even that's too much to handle.)
64. Because porn.
65. Because there's always a new "Grand Theft Auto."
66. Because no one wants to use a condom.
67. Because no one know what they want.
68. Because timing is never right.
69. Because it's easier to just stop texting.
70. Because sitting on the couch without pants while watching reruns of "Bob's Burgers" is a little awkward once you throw someone else into the mix.
71. Because we have our lives to be committed.

Like I said before, I can't relate with most of these. In fact some of them, I have never done or have no idea what they are even talking about. So why do I post such a ridiculous list? It shows our generation's reliance on technology and how this has been a crutch and a curse to the point that we don't even know where to begin when it comes to forming a relationship or what a healthy relationship would even look like.

 



We dream of romance and the courtship and intimacy in communication and relationships that are now things of the past and works of modern day fiction. We can barely connect feelings to actions and speaking of them is taboo, especially with the person that we have feelings for. We want to self-reliant and not co-dependent. We have forgotten that relationships aren't about independence or dependence but interdependence. We feel like we have to change for someone and not with someone. We forget what it was that made us like someone in the first place.

"When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That's why you can't fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not your heart. And that's why when you really connect with a person's inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant." - Lisa Unger

 We have become a hang out culture and lack the confidence and the commitment to make a real connection. "Dating" has become a word we have to avoid or a smorgasbord of people who we use as play things or contestants competing for out time and attention instead. What happened to our imaginations, our creativity, our passion, and our ability to think and feel? Have we become so desensitized through entertainment and careers that we don't have time any more? Do we expect to have time once we are out of college? What comes after college? Work! Honestly, when you are in school is the perfect time to get to know people and date.

The number of people who have told me or "reminded me" that we can only hang out as friends has been far too many. I completely understand the concept of hanging out... It is non-committal and you can only do it with friends and friends with benefits. If you want to be in a relationship you ask people out on dates but everyone is too afraid of that concept to give it a chance. Facebook, Tinder, and OKCupid all kill relationships more than they create them. I don't need my friends commentary or approval. I don't need to give them a play-by-play. It is okay to date and break up with good people. It is okay to just be friends with people. But when we forget that we are talking about people and that we aren't talking about things then we will never love someone. Marriage takes work. Relationships take work. Dating takes work. If your relationships just seem to happen to fall into place or you just fell in love, when you don't put in every effort to show exactly how much your partner means to you then it is likely you or they will fall out of love as well. Relationships as well as things that require nothing, mean nothing.

Sacrifice... Letting yourself be vulnerable... Putting yourself out there... Telling someone how you really feel... I grew up being shy and quiet. I know these things require courage and a lot of effort. But as much as we love being alone, do we really love that no one is there to love us, care for us, or allows us to share and show those emotions either? The reason why we are single is we care about only one single person... Ourselves.

It's Easy to Feel Uncared...

"It's easy to feel uncared for when people aren't able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it's so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they're doing doesn't even cross their mind. They aren't inherently bad or uncaring - they're just busy and self-focused. And that's okay. It's not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn't make you unloveable or invisible. It just means that those people aren't very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are - that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others - is a strength. Your work isn't to change who you are; it's to find people who are about to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone's acknowledgement or affection, you are enough."

- Daniell Koepke

Standing Alone

One of things that I keep hearing from a variety of voices is that I shouldn't give up. Never yield. Stand strong. The biggest chink in my armor is not the courage to stand up but to stand alone for how long... Satan doesn't have me when I am forced to fight. I can stand strong against other people. I can stand up when the people around me are trying to tear me down. The times when I am weak are not when I am surrounded by friends or foes. The times when I am weakest are when I am 100% alone.

 

The fight within myself is apparent for everyone to see. I was asking a friend for some feedback and criticism on how I can improve. He responded with a few things about improving the way I present myself and my personal brand but he also responded with a question, "What do you want to get out of the program you are in?" I replied that I was looking to become conversant in business, proficient in the strategy and processes, expand my network, and improve my soft skills. His response was a realization that I shouldn't worry about any of those things except the last one. He said I was strong in all those areas except soft skills because I can come off double-sided.

The struggle I am facing is myself. Professionally and socially I can be overly aggressive. I can have a great sales pitch, charisma, persuasion, and confidence however, I lack patience. When I can improve my standing or there is something I really want, I become a different person that is willing to jump in, control and manipulate a situation, and race for that opportunity. It is a person that is clearly different from the person that wants to help people, enjoys a laugh, and looks to lead from within. I stop focusing on anyone but myself. I have to change this before it destroys all the different parts of my life: spiritual, social, professional, etc.

When I go to Japan next month, I am going to watch the executives that we will visit closely. It is hard for me even to know what negotiations would look like on an executive level because I am so accustomed to when both parties are aggressive in what they want. I feel like I will have A LOT to learn when I visit that country. In the meantime, I don't have to wait a month for myself to change so I am going to make small adjustments now. I don't have to feel like I am second rate or invisible any more. I have value but I have to be able to see it even when others do not.

O' Captain, My Captain

A few weeks ago, the actor Robin Williams passed away from suicide. In his honor, a local theater-bar called Brewvies put on a special deal for a weekend where each night they would show a different Robin Williams film for free. The first film they showed was the Dead Poet's Society. It is an amazing film with a variety of messages. But as a tribute, it was a great film to embody Robin William's performance and impact as an actor on generations of people.

"Medicine, law, business, engineering: these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love... these are what we stay alive for." - Mr. Keating, Dead Poet's Society

The character Mr. Keating is an English teacher at an elite private school for young boys. He himself went to the school when he was young. And his teaching styles are very different from the rest of the professors at the school. The school was founded on the four pillars of wisdom: "Tradition, honor, discipline, and excellence." Instead of teaching the students the equations and philosophies of the great theologians, Mr. Keating teaches these boys to think for themselves. If you want to learn, learn for yourself about yourself.

The first lesson he taught the boys was about carpe diem. Every person is born and every person will die. "Seize the day boys," he said. He taught the boys that every day may be our last so we have to find the strength to overcome our fears and do those things that drive us. One of the ways we do that is by looking at things from a different perspective. It is through resisting conformity that you begin to find what makes you unique. It is how we understand what drives us as individuals. It is where we find our callings and meanings in life. It is how we leave a legacy behind us.

When we live our lives we can do so in many ways. We can be as expected. We can do our best. And we can sacrifice our all in pursuit of our passions. The gate through which we must pass is one of our own making. In order to live up to our fullest potential we have to conquer our fears. In the film, each of the boys has a fear that they must face and some are able to overcome and some are unable to do so. It is the same with each of us. Sometimes we have to take the road less traveled by so that we may have the chance to change our stars. When you write your story through the steps you take, I hope you find your own way.

"To quote from Whitman, 'O me! O life! Of the questions these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... Of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?' Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?" - Mr. Keating, Dead Poet's Society

Duet by Glen Keane