Andrew, Andy, Andrew... The "A" List

 

The Application Marathon

So I have been applying for a lot of consulting internship positions for this upcoming summer and I get this email back from one of the companies:

"An initial review of your application encourages us to learn more about you. If you meet all candidate requirements such as talent, skills, education, and experience for the position you selected, we will move forward with the next step in the application process. If you are in the United States or Canada, please call..."

So the way I interpret that is... Your social security number checks out and you don't seem to be a murderer or a rapist but we didn't read anything you sent us (since most people don't know what country New Hampshire is in... It may be its own country for all we know) or pay close enough attention to see what position you were applying for... So call us and we can talk over the phone. Oh! And be ready for anything because if we like you then it may be a long phone call.

Just kidding! I am actually really excited. I have a lot of companies that I have applied to and the list is going to continue to grow throughout the holiday season. I hope that things work out because if not, I am glad that I have the UVF internship that I working at right now. It isn't good to have those blank periods of time on a resume and I like the fact that I am working. I just hope that I will be ready for everything.

Forgiveness and Socializing

I was talking to a few people this afternoon about my social habits. Obviously people who I trust and care about and feel like they do the same for me but also people who I feel will be candid and honest with me as well. I feel like people give engineers crap about not being very good at being social people. Well, now I know why I fit into that category as well as I think I know better how to fix it. I take no credit for this because the only thing I did was be willing to ask for help and ask the right questions but I am going to work on this and hopefully things will change.

First off, if you ever met me in person you would realize off the bat how analytical I am. The example that was given to me was that when it comes to decisions, schools, work, applications, networking... I read people well. I make a plan. I decide in advance what I will do, what I will say, who I need to talk to, and if I don't have enough information in advance then I am adaptable and I am able to adjust my plan to the present. I look at people and I analyze them. This is probably why I can be a great salesman at times because I plan what I am going to say and I can see the pain points that need to be solved. I am a people watcher. I see in people who they are - the good, the bad, the ugly, but mostly the good.

It is an interesting phenomenon because I see all of it and I am willing to accept the good and try and help others see their potential but for myself I am not so forgiving. I am my own judge, jury, and executioner. My roommates think my dating habits are those of a wild man; however, this isn't the case. When I meet people, I see them for who they are. I see all of the good that they have or can have in their lives because of the gifts and talents that they have been given. I want to get to know them. I am interested in them. The issue is that I then subconsciously compare them to myself and want to hold on so tightly because in my heart I feel like they are better than me and that I don't deserve to be with them when I forgot the most important thing. There is only one person who knows my self-worth, and that person isn't even myself.

Other people do not define you. Their judgments and actions don't define your value. You do not define your value. Only God who made you and your Savior who died for you, understand who you really are and know much you really are worth. When I am feeling like I am not up to par with the people that I am attracted to then maybe I should spend some more time working on who I am and start by getting out of the snares and traps that I have allowed myself to fall in. I can't help others out of their traps if I am limping around in mine.

I need to forgive myself completely.

It is not that I act like a puppy dog around every woman that walks on the face of the earth. I am confident. It is that I fall victim to the same issues that I recently counseled one of my other friends about, a lack of patience. My friend had posted that "... girls are like ... Fire ... Stay away, feel cold ... Stay closed, get burnt." There is some truth to that but the way to help overcome that is through the process that he and I are going about things. This is how I responded:

"I would rather get burnt until I find the spot closest to the fire where I am most comfortable then die in the cold by myself. There are things a lot worse than being cold so don't choose that when inside you and I both know it isn't the best choice. If we were willing to move slower we would find the sweet spot faster but it is our impatience that get the best of us."

 The issue is that again we don't define our self-worth correctly. Until we truly understand it and are taught it by the Person who truly knows, then we sell ourselves short. If we know our true value, we would share a little bit of ourselves and then wait for the other person to respond. Still, it is a two-way street. What I say next is not out of pride but understanding. We need to see if this other person we are interested in is really someone that knows their value and matches ours. Again, it is not the value or perceived level of value that we are trying to match but the way in which that value was gained or determined. I need to be patient. I need to once again learn who I am and the way I do that is as important as actually doing it.

The Final Page

I still look for her name up in lights. When I think of an animated movie, I think of her. I wanted her to succeed probably even more than she did. I wanted her to be happy maybe even more than she does. I don't think I will ever know what that means or how I am supposed to feel but I know how I do feel: I want her to always be happy. And now that she is engaged, I hope and pray that he will take care of her. There are two sides to every story and in this one there were a few more than that but the end is only a beginning and although mine is still quite uncertain, I hold onto the hope that there will be some good in me and for me yet. I can see now that God wanted to bless her and help her in ways that I never would have been able to provide her. And I'm not surprised (and slightly grateful) that she never told me about the engagement, considering who and how everything happened.

I don't know if this is what I was waiting for or even if I was waiting... I really don't know. I guess I was afraid that if it had to be someone that it would be him and that I would have had to prepare myself enough to really mean it when I said I was happy for her. But I realize it doesn't matter how I felt about him because this isn't about me at all. It hasn't been about me for a long time - I am long gone. I am dead. I am barely more than a memory. I am more like those moments when you wake up and there is a faint part of a dream still in your mind, like a vague feeling and nothing more. Still, after seeing the news of her engagement, I felt like it was like looking in a mirror and she is right there over my shoulder. Everything as vivid as if it was yesterday. It is like living in fast forward on an emotional roller coaster except at the end of the ride instead of feeling sick, you feel like you got stabbed and you are just waiting for the ride to end so you can finish bleeding out.

Things naturally fall into patterns though. I thought I may have found a potential buyer for the ring two days ago. She had liked a video posted on Facebook by a mutual friend. I watched Frozen tonight with friends and began thinking of her. If I want her to be happy and be happy for her, then I have to remove myself fully from the equation. I have to completely remove myself emotionally because if there is any trace of the old me left then the past will become new again.

The only thing I can truly honestly pray for is her, for myself, for my future spouse whoever and wherever she may be, and that the hell I am going through is just a sign of the blessings that may be coming my way if I am able to lean on my Father in Heaven and my Savior and do my best to endure it well. I pray that this brings the closure I was unable to fully provide to myself. I need to forgive and I need to forget. I love her and I always will but if I am ever going to find happiness I need to learn to love again.

The Girls You Should Be Marrying

Elite Daily - Ally Batista

Earlier in the month, I wrote an article titled “The Girls Who Are Never Getting Married”. You may have read it; it continues to get an influx of negative comments to this day, as the only people that are offended are the ones that know it’s true. So many women were furious with the article, claiming that the man who wrote it was misogynistic and disgusting. My favorite comment was that he “has four girls buried under his crawl space.”

Well Elite Daily readers, I wrote that article, and I am a female. Surprised? Feeling stupid? I hope so. I wrote that article because I’m disgusted with the girls of my generation who use their sexuality to get ahead in life and disrespect themselves on a daily basis. I’m flattered that you think I’m a male chauvinist and a creep though. I may be a offensive, but I’m just being honest.

I could honestly not care less if your goal in life is to get married or not. If you choose not to, that’s your choice and I hope that it makes you happy. I wrote that article because those are the women I would hate to see my close guy friends or my brothers end up with. If any guy that I’m close to wants to pursue a long-term relationship, these are the women I hope they choose:

The 30-Year-Old With The Graduate School Degree

This girl took the initiative to further her education and wants to make something of herself career wise. She’s a hard worker and she chooses to be because of her own personal standards. She is independent and she is the perfect alpha woman. It’s one thing to go to a four-year university, graduate with a degree and get a successful job. Trust me, I commend anyone that does that and encourage all of you to do so.

The thing about a graduate of graduate school that intrigues me is that she knew that it would mean more work and less partying. Not many people are willing to pay ridiculous amounts of money to further their educations. I like a girl like this because you know that she’s smart, you know that she has drive and you know that she’ll keep you stimulated. She is the furthest thing away from that club whore you usually hang out with that is most likely blown out down there by now.

The Best Of Both Worlds

The perfect girl. She’s smart, she reads during her free time and she still watches crappy television. She loves to shop and to present herself well, but feels most comfortable with her feet up on the coffee table and watching the game with the guys. This girl can laugh at stupid, girly nonsense but can still take a joke when the guys she’s friends with try to bust her balls.

I want guys to end up with a girl like this because I feel like they’ll never be bored. They’ll get the sexiness and femininity that they crave along with a best friend, because relationships almost never work if you’re not friends with your significant other. My parents have been married for 25 years and still chase each other around the house and play tag and that’s because my mom is a down to earth woman who loves Led Zeppelin and stilettos.

The best of both worlds is truly what it means. It’s the girl that will pig out with you on burgers and hotdogs, but still be so hot about it. She may even know how to play Madden. This is the girl that will go and buy drinks and steak for you and your friends during man night. There is nothing like being with a girl that is just down with everything.

The Girl Who’s Got Her Own

Just like the annoyingly catchy Ne-Yo song says, I want my guy friends to end up with a girl who’s completely independent. She wants you but she sure as hell doesn’t need you. She’s educated, she has a job, she pays her bills on time, buys all of her own stuff, completely takes care of herself and is more than happy with her life. You want to go out with your guys? Cool, do that, she’ll call you tomorrow because she’ll be out doing her own thing.

A girl like this is an absolute keeper. She can be in a relationship, but she doesn’t need you to take care of her because she can take care of herself. What guy wouldn’t want this? It’s borderline terrifying when a girl absolutely needs you in her life to make her happy.

So Elite Daily, that’s who I would want my brothers or my good guy friends ending up with. I know what some of you are thinking, “girls like this don’t exist.” I hear it every day in these offices, but guess what, they do. They exist and I’d much rather that all of the men out there wait and find one, instead of wasting their time on a girl who doesn’t respect herself. Some may say these girls are unicorns, but I beg to differ, try looking in the right places and not the club you frequently visit.

How Tight Is Too Tight?

I feel like when it comes to dating I have a problem and it is simple. I see the fleeting nature of relationships and the fear I have of their reality and how I hope that by holding tightly I can escape it instead of face it: Life is short. I feel like I know now how to deal with that apprehension better now than I did in the past but it is still a fear I have of being alone or unwanted.

Self-confidence comes from within and doubts come from outside so I try to avoid media and judgments and people who tear others down because of their own insecurities. Still, there are others that their insecurities tear at themselves because of the comparison they make between them and the next guy. I hate comparison. If I start wanting to see someone or date someone, I don't compare. Each relationship is new, different, and it cannot be approached the same way.

So what can I do? I am a man who has a huge heart and a lot of feelings and emotions. Am I supposed to change? Why can't I be myself? And if I do choose to not conform to what the world expects me to be then does that limit me? Am I less in some way because I refuse to meet expectation? Or are there places where I can meet others who accept others for who they are and not what they do? I want to feel accepted and I want to have someone to love, to serve, to share life with. But something so simple as acceptance is never so simple.

My fear is not so much of losing something that I already have but losing something I have yet to gain. It is a fear of not recognizing or not taking advantage of an opportunity when it presents itself. It is getting lost in the "what ifs" and losing sight of the now and building the relationship where it stands instead of trying to plan out every detail because I don't know and can't know what the end will look like. It takes two people and I don't have that much control. In fact, for the relationships I have been in the only control I had was over me and that will never change.

It is so frustrating and there seems to be no end to it and the biggest issue is that I am not okay with saying that it will never happen. It is not an option in my mind. It will happen and I know that the possibility in every relationship is that it won't get to that point. It doesn't have to be her or her or even her. But it will happen with someone. But the question is why? Is it a personal problem? Is it cultural? Is it religious? Is it part of being human? I don't know. But it is tangible and it is real and I face it and believe that it is not an option and I won't settle. I have learned like many of my other feelings that this has to be an internal struggle like most things in life. I put on a good face and pretend that it doesn't bug me and sometimes it doesn't, but rejection is hard. It is never easy. Things don't have to go wrong to be the wrong person. It is just a struggle that happens and for some reason continues to happen in my life.

Dating Lists

If I ever had a list of what I was looking for in a person that I would have a potential relationship with it wouldn't be what most people clarify as their "list." I think my list would be more like the following two. Yes, I said two lists. I am sure I had a more conventional "list" at some point in time but as you get older you lost track of them because you don't use them any more.

The classiest couple I could think of...

 

The one list would be how I want to be and the other is how I hope my other half would be like. These lists come from a blog called "Just / My Type." They are titled respectively the "11 Differences Between Dating a Boy vs. a Man" and the "11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs. a Woman." Here are the lists:

Boy vs. Man

Girl vs. Woman

A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive. A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life).  A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend. A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting. A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship. A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in. A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend. A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent. A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through. A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.

A girl throws tantrums. When displeased, upset or angry, she reacts just as she did as a child when she didn’t get her way with her parents. This often consists of screaming, pouting, giving the silent treatment, being passive aggressive and/or punishing. A woman still feels the emotions of being upset/displeased, but has cultivated the skill of responding versus reacting. She comes to the table as an adult, and communicates clearly what is bothering her. A girl perceives herself as a princess and believes people should treat her like so. She is entitled and feels that she is owed and therefore expects more than she appreciates. A woman, has standards (what she holds herself to) not expectations (what she projects on to others). A girl uses her physical beauty as her currency and basis of value. A girl may be so used to feeling validated through her looks and sexuality, that she uses this as her primary tool to get what she wants in life. A woman, knows her worth is beyond her physicality. A woman bases her value on her intelligence, her strength, her integrity, her values, her contributions, her humanity. A girl banks on a man to be her financial strategy. A woman plans to be financially independent – she banks on… herself. And if she so happens to enter a relationship dynamic where it makes sense for her partner to be the primary breadwinner, it’s considered a bonus, not the expected life line. A girl sees the world from a place of lack and scarcity. She competes and will even tear down another in order to secure resources or a mate. A woman helps other women. She knows that there’s plenty enough to go around and takes the high road of integrity to get what she wants. A girl cannot be bothered with anything domestic and is proud of the fact that she cannot cook or clean. A woman understands that being domestic is not a duty, but understands that it is one way of taking care of herself and others. She also understands that in the event she wants to create a family, having a person in the household who can contribute domestically is important. “A girl wants attention, a woman wants respect. A girl wants to be adored by many. A woman wants to be adored by one.” -anonymous A girl does not respect her body.  She has not yet understood that her body and heart are sacred, and that it’s important to be mindful of how she treats it and who she shares it with. “A girl cherishes handbags, diamonds and her shoe collection as her prize possessions. A woman cherishes her health, her sense of self, and her talents as her greatest assets.” – N. Mah A woman takes the time to reflect on the type of human she wants to be, the example she wants to leave and the vision for her life. She has put thought into her values and what she stands for. A girl has not established her moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent. “After spending time with a girl, you feel exhausted because she takes more than she gives. After spending time with a woman, you feel invigorated, because she empowers you with possibility, and a passion for life.” – N. Mah A girl has a checklist that prioritizes superficial qualities above anything else. Here is an example of how this checklist may look: Hot, popular, wears skinny jeans, over 6 feet tall, rich.. This is the checklist of what a woman may look for: High integrity, intelligent, kind, good communicator, emotionally available…

Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a mature woman, or someone with an immature mindset. However, the quickest filter that you can notice from the beginning is this:

11.  The one you don't want to date plays games. The one you do want to date doesn’t.

Ender's Game

I saw a movie last night that was extremely well done. Now I have to go back and read the book and later I will change my opinion of the movie and tell you what a crappy job they did sticking to the original script. It is always how that goes. The author is the ultimate storyteller, never the screen writer. The screenplay cannot live up to the potential of the book itself.



Either way, I was impressed with the book immensely. It showed a boy moving through a coming of age process in a futuristic Armageddon-type culture. He is being trained to be a commander, a leader, a weapon. The conflict he has most is with himself. Will Ender digress into either of his siblings? Mercy or justice? Peter or Valentine? The real question throughout the movie is who is Ender really fighting?

"Ender's anger was cold, and he could use it. Bonzo's was hot, so it used him."

If I was to apply the story to my life, I would say that he is fighting himself. He is continually striving to be the best. He is trying to survive. He is trying to overcome his fear of what will happen, who he will become, the power and strength within himself, his own potential.

In that perspective, it makes the following quote so much more powerful:

"'In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them -'

"'You beat them.' For a moment she was not afraid of his understanding.

"'No, you don't understand. I destroy them. I make it impossible for them to ever hurt me again. I grind them and grind them until they don't exist.'"

Still in the process of trying to improve yourself, it is interesting to see how Ender learns from his situation. He uses a lot of observation and he is reflective, analytical, and extremely strategic. I feel like my disconnect is the strategy. I am consulting for the Dean of my college and he showed me a bit of business strategy as I was reporting back to him. I am learning.

"He had long since learned that when something unusual was going on, something that was part of someone else's plan and not his own, he would find out more information by waiting than by asking. Adults almost always lost their patience before Ender did."

I hope, that like Ender, I will be able to defeat my demons, become a leader, and find my purpose and as Ender says in the end, winning at any cost isn't right, the way we win matters. There are many themes and morals to this story but the one I want to leave with is the idea of permanence:



"Perhaps it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be."

You are who you pretend to be. So if you can convince others of you want them to think you are, you may want to make sure that you like this version of you because you may convince yourself along the way. Always stick to your standards. Develop your weaknesses into strengths. Build on the power you find in and around you. Be a leader.