The March of Time

I have thought this particular thought before but I never had a real reason to put it into context so let me spell it out for you.  When we think of time sometimes we think of the never ending race, the movement through space that never stops and never slows, the one thing that is never in our control because every second we live is a second gone.  We hear that time is precious so here is a question for us to think about.  How do we measure time?  Where does this idea of time come from?

Time is not really seconds or minutes or even days or years.  It is the space between moments.  It is the space between one sunrise to the next.  It is the changing of the seasons.  We measure time by events that occur both day to day and in history.  We measure time from a pivotal point in history, when the Savior of the World, our world, was born.  Time is a way that we as mortals measure our own significance, birth to death.  But in all reality, these moments that we will live or in another perspective, endure, are in all reality very brief.  So if we are to make the most of our mortality, if we are to live life to the fullest, live so you can be remembered.  We need to live through love.

So if I was to count the days of my existence, it would have started 5 months 2 weeks 6 days and 12 hours ago when I met the love of my life for the first time.  And next Fast Sunday, the first Sunday of each month, on July 7th, I will be sitting in a pew at a meetinghouse in Queensland, Australia in the small town of Maroochydore just north of Brisbane with my arm around her once again.  And the week that I will be there will feel like a lifetime because every moment will be new, each emotion making me feel alive once again, and I will be happy.  I will be home because home is where the heart is and she has been keeping my safe all this time since the day that she left on that plane February 16th.  Time waits for no one so cherish the life you live, love the people that make up your world, and follow your dreams because nothing is truly impossible.

Empowering

There are those days when you are just tired.  Sometimes it is because you pushed yourself physically or mentally but I think for me it is more emotionally than anything else.  Everything is going well but there are a lot of times where I just wish there was more that I could do.  I know that Tatiana has a lot on her plate, a lot that she is dealing with right now with school, and I feel like I just need to be there but I can't.  Right now the only thing I can do is reassure her, help her remember different things and keep her focused, but really it is all on her.  Honestly, I don't like the way it feels like I can't do anything at all to help her except love her for who she is.

I know everything will work out.  I know that we are meant to be together and it always has felt like that things just fall into place with us.  It feels like neither of us have to try hard at all but we can relax and be ourselves when we are together.  I guess this is why these last few weeks are so hard because we are not together.  But I am trying my best to do whatever I can to love and support her.  We miss each other but I know that we are so close.  We are doing so well.  We only have a few more weeks left.  Weeks... Not months but weeks.

I love this girl... I see her everywhere I go and it doesn't matter what I am doing, she is there in every little thing.  I know she is hardworking and going places.  She is talented, strong, and so open and honest with me.  I want to do everything I can.  I hope that praying for and loving her in any way I can is helping her.  I love Tatiana.  Maybe it is just the little things that will be enough to help her see that she has nothing to worry about.  It is going to work.  I know it will.  I am going to marry this girl, my little Aussie... My Tatiana.

Every Day It Happens

I don't know if it is because in only a few short weeks I will be packing up to head to a family reunion only to continue on to Australia to see my Tatiana again, but I feel like there is something that reminds me of her every day since she has been gone.  Whether it is someone directly referencing Brisbane or some other place in Australia, something that reminds me of things that we did together, or any other number of things.  I am watching and movie and reach for a pillow to put in the place that she would cuddle up to next to me when we were together.  We are eating dinner and decide to go out for dessert and I automatically think ice cream or something doused in chocolate.  I am in line to check out at the supermarket and I remember as I look down at the candy isle the first time she had a Butterfinger, that one of her favorite chocolates is a KitKat, or that we have so much sharing little Ande's mints.  The list goes on and on.

All I know is that she is always there, not far from my mind or my heart.  Time honestly can't pass by soon enough.  We have done really well but there is still a bit more to go and a lot more to finish up.  But it will come soon and before I know it we will be cracking jokes again, having thumby wars in Church, and taking naps together until we feel like we should get up again.  I miss her.  I can't get enough of her.  I love her.  And all we have left is... six weeks.  But if you ask, I do know the amount of time down to give or take a minute or two.  Hehehe...

Family is More Than Friends

When I was growing up I had a youth leader that once told me and the rest of the boys, "I am not your friend.  I am your leader."  For me, I didn't really understand what he meant.  How can you do all of these different activities, continue to teach us, give us advice, be there for us when we needed you, and you are not our friend.  Why did he say that?  I guess it makes a lot more sense now.  People always need friends that will support them no matter what, friends who will bail them out when they are in trouble and friends that are sitting there next to you waiting to be bailed out too.  But not everyone in your life is like that.

I always wanted to be a friend to my siblings, a confidant, and also a support and an example for them.  But what does it really mean to be a brother?  Are you supposed to be that way all the time?  I think there is a difference in those types of relationships were you have to balance having that relationship along with remembering your duty as for example a brother.  I feel as a brother I am an example, I am someone who listens, someone who gives advice, someone who stands up for you or stands beside you.  At times my siblings have hated me but still they always knew that I loved them.  I imagine being a future parent won't be much better... Except of course you can use the phrase, "I helped bring you into this world, so I would be more than happy to help you out of it as well!"  I know it won't be easy.

How do you discipline your children?  Do you take away privileges, hit or spank them, or mentally punish them by giving them the silent treatment?  Do you go on the proactive approach and be strict on rules or do you become the party house that way you know what they are doing?  Do you try and trust them and have faith in them, letting them learn on their own from the consequences of their actions?  I really don't know... There are just so many questions and really I have a lot of time before they need to be answered.  Plus, each child is different and what works for one may not work for the others.  It is just tough.  We all need to know what we did wrong so we don't do it again and as parent disciplining the child, we need to not only show justice but mercy.  We need to show an increase of love so we can only begin to discipline our children when we are already in that mindset of love.  Because what we do in the heat of passion can not be taken back.

Every relationship takes a lot of work but every relationship is a blessing.  They stretch us and teach us to love in different ways.  And once I am married, I do not have to do it alone either.  I will have my best friend to help me, to counsel me, to teach me, to be patient with me, and to love me, as I will try to do all these same things for her.  It will be interesting to see what I remember from my current family and what I will use in my future family.

Constant Struggle

I always hear that life is a constant battle in deciding who you want to be, what kind of person you are, a fight of moral courage.  I think this war is fought and won by choosing to make the hard decisions, the right decisions.  Being willing to sacrifice that which is easy for that which is of most worth... being willing to give up that which can give you pleasure and momentary happiness for that which brings lasting joy.  I feel like the only way to do that is to trust in yourself and let go of your fear.  But we all have fear and we can never be completely free from it.  I feel like instead we must learn to overcome it.  When we hear from the words of a book that we as people must choose to either act or be acted upon, I think what it means is that we either must choose for ourselves, acting on and with our own free will and choice, or be moved by fear instead of our will.

We all have our own fears just like we all have our own strengths.  I sometimes fear that I am unworthy, not good enough, strong enough, and that I won't be happy.  I am afraid that because of those things that I could lose the ones I love.  But I think that as we all learn to overcome those kinds of fears we can gain an unique perspective and form of moral courage that if we are able to harness and understand it, we can be strong.  To be able to face life without letting fear control us and our actions would be in a way to have a form of self-mastery and self-control.  In the end, by facing those fears and realizing that we really could never be worthy of the blessings we have in life but only through the grace of God and the Atonement are we able to become strong enough.  It is through the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ that families can be made eternal, that you can be with your loved ones forever and even death cannot break the bonds that keep you together.

I am not typically such a black and white individual but when it comes to the battles that rage within the chambers of our own hearts and souls, choosing between right and wrong, there is always a choice.  There is always opposition in all things.  I didn't really know where this post was going to go tonight, more of expressing a variety of different thoughts I have been having rather than anything else.  But what I am trying to say is that in the end, we cannot always choose what happens in life but we can decide how we will react to it, whether that is the choice to do something or whether we choose to restrain ourselves and do nothing for a time.  We can choose to be happy.  We can choose to forget the past.  We can choose to love who we are.  We can make the choice to become better.  It will never be easy but did we really expect it to be?  Life is hard, but do not forget that it is also short.  Enjoy it and realize that in all reality... life is good.

Catching Up and Looking Forward

I feel like I have reached a moment in my life where it is the calm before the storm, the starting line just before the gun sounds, the beginning of something greater.  Because of that, I thought I would take the opportunity to look back and see how far I have come in accomplishing my goals for the year.

Well I wanted to keep my grades up and even though I had my lowest GPA I have ever received at BYU, which still happens to be above a 3.00 but not by much, I got a scholarship for next year.  I have applied for graduation and I also have signed up to take the GRE and GMAT sometime this summer intermingled with my internship back at NxStage Medical again... so far so good on my goals.  I was close enough to say that those ones were met but not in the exact way I anticipated.  I also have bought my plane ticket for my vacation this summer to go see Tatiana over in Australia.  I should be there for about a week in the beginning part of July but the tickets are bought and there is no turning back.  At the same time, she and I have gotten very serious in our relationship and if things continue to go well, there is a high chance that we may be married before the year is through so I feel like I have been richly blessed, as there is nothing that I could have done to anticipate or deserve the chance to meet her and fall in love.

The last two or three goals are more of perpetual goals that deal more with creating strong, healthy habits, so I definitely feel like there is a lot more I can do in that regard.  I can always read my scriptures more and pray more often.  I definitely can use the exercise and there are always different ways I can improve my health.  It is one thing to say that you roll out of bed in the morning and it is another thing to physically have to do it.  I am not that bad quite yet but if I am playing to head to Australia, it would be nice to have a beach body even though it will be their winter, just in case.

Anyways, during this down time I have been working a lot and when I am not working, I am thinking.  I have often wondered how my life is going to pan out.  Am I going to be able to figure things out?  I will need to figure out how to work out where and how to deal with medical insurance, minimize and pay bills and taxes, what Master's programs I want to apply for and if I am eligible, and just a variety of other things.  Will I be a good husband?  Will I remember to do all the little things like I used to?  Will I remember to make sure that we will discuss things that need to be decided together so I will not make any hasty decisions but will have already checked with my wife if certain decisions need her opinion and approval.  Will I remember to be mindful of her and her feelings and emotions?  I will need to be teachable so that I will learn many different things about her and how it is to live together as a couple.  And I haven't even touched the surface when it comes to expanding our family to include children.

I realize that to expect us both as individuals and as a couple to remain the same is foolish.  We are always changing and I need to be looking for those changes.  When we have life-changing events together, such as graduating from college, being accepted into a particular program, a serious job offer, moving to a different home, marriage, starting a family, the list is endless... but when those events occur and they will, I need to be aware that things will be different.  I do not say this next thing out of pride but out of self-awareness, but I am a very giving person and do very little or ask very little for myself.  I pamper the ones I love and it makes me happy, but in any healthy relationship, things need to be mutual to some degree.  In these life-changing moments, I need to recognize that I will need to be there to support her but I hope that she in turn will recognize that I will need her to support me just as much and I need to let her.  If we really are to love and cherish one another for eternity, we need to serve but also give the opportunity for our spouse to serve us as well.  One of them can not make it without the other but it is by working together and complimenting each other's personalities through the strengths and weaknesses that both people possess that will allow happiness and love to grow in the relationship.  And of course it will be easier said than done.

Back to the present though, I feel like I have had many different things happen in my life that I can count as real blessings.  I have the opportunity to work this summer, I have achieved and progressed in many of my goals, I am healthy and happy (some of the time according to my parents...), and I am in a beautiful relationship with my very best friend who loves me as much as I love her.  Things are certainly not easy but my life has shown me that I should never expect them to be.  There are too many variables, too many experiences and lessons that we need to learn, life is something that in order to be happy and to have those moments where you can feel true and utter joy, we will have to choose to do hard things.  Success is not defined in always accomplishing those things that we set out to do but in progressing and learning as we try and give our best effort.  It is in investing ourselves in the things that we do.  In the end, I am sure you can tell that there are a lot of things that are changing in my life over the next couple of months.  I am just praying and hoping that I will be able to keep up and everything will work out in the end.

The Great Machine

I sometimes am able to find a movie that really speaks to me or gives me hope.  A film that carries a message that tells me to never give up and to keep trying.  Something that helps me remember that there are always things out there in life, like our dreams, that are worth fighting for.  These movies don't typically come along too often but when they do they stick with a person.  Hugo was that kind of movie for me.  I loved it so much that I am only going to share two quotes from it and I will do my best to avoid spoiling the story while still sharing the beautiful imagery that is depicted so eloquently on the movie screen.

The story follows a young orphaned boy who was the son of a clock maker and his journey of self-discovery and friendship.  Each major and minor character that he meets along the way has that similar journey and it is interesting to watch as their tales are completely interwoven and eventually climax to a realization of purpose.  In this quote, the main character Hugo describes his perception of the world that he gained in life by learning from the experiences he had growing up with his late father.

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine.  Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need.  So I figured if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part.  I had to be here for some reason.  And that means you have to be here for some reason too."

It is amazing to watch how each person really does play a part in the life story of all the other characters.  There really is no hero or villain if you look at it as a whole but instead each person has to come to realize that they are not defined by what life has dealt to them but in what they make of it through the decisions that they choose which help them to see outside of their original limited individual perspectives.  As I said before, it is a beautiful story of self-worth and discovering one's purpose through following your dreams.

"Maybe that's why a broken machine always makes me a little sad, because it isn't able to do what it was meant to do... Maybe it's the same with people.  If you lose your purpose... it's like you're broken."

I think after watching this story, we need to more greatly appreciate the people around us in our lives.  The individuals that we may see as good or bad are in the very simplest sense just people who are struggling like you and me to understand what they were meant to do in life.  But if you watch closely, we all seem to find that meaning through the help and love of others.  Some can call it guidance, others can call it example, but I call it passion and love.  Maybe it is the deeply rooted romantic in me but as I watch this movie I can see how charity and compassion are able to help lift up the broken-hearted and heal the wounds that we can and cannot see.  It really is a beautiful story.  But even more than that I can relate this story to my own life.

I feel like I have always been a person that who has a great capacity to love and understand people.  I think I can say that I have a talent for being able to listen and to express how I feel in such a way that people are able to accept me for who I am and are then willing to hear what I have to say in return.  But along with that great capacity to love is what some may see in me as a trusting nature that is almost blind.  And along the way, I can say that it may have led to me making mistakes or getting hurt, and at times I held onto scars that I did not have to carry.  But then after that it takes a special person to come into your life that will help you realize things that you always knew and I can not remember who was able to help me realize that I could let go of those kinds of things but I will be eternally grateful.  On the other hand we are prone to forget and just as important as it is to have someone teach you or show you these kinds of important life lessons, there are people who are equally important to us because they consistently help us to remember them.

I feel like I have met someone who is able to do this for me.  Someone who is able to help me to always remember my own self worth, to see the good in me, and that loves me for who I am and who I am becoming.  Just like the characters in the movie where there were individuals who were able to bring out the best in one another, I feel like Tatiana is able to do that for me.  I don't know why I always seem to end up relating everything I do or experience lately to her but maybe it is because we are so similar or because I can never get her off of my mind.  I honestly don't know.  All I do know is that I have never loved so deeply and had such a connection to another person who inspires me to be better, that drives me to be better, and loves me so unconditionally, as she does.  I am grateful for the blessing that she has been in my life and the wonderful experience it has been to continually get to know her and love her.  And in turn, have a similar experience with the relationship that I have been developing with myself.  She is more than a muse or even my best friend.  She is a miracle that has made my life have real meaning.  Things do not happen by chance but by choice.  Where have been led up to this point as the resulting summation of the consequences from the decisions we have made personally.  And I don't know all the cogs and gears that made up my version of this great machine called life but I would go through all the joy and sorrow a hundred times over if it meant that in the end I would again find myself loving her.

The message I took away from this relatively short film was this... No matter what happens or whatever you may be faced with, you have the choice to define your own future.  And if you are willing to sacrifice everything for the ones you love, then in the end you will discover what your purpose really is through that sacrifice.  You are able to discover what is of true worth and value to you.  We were never meant to be alone and it is through the happiness of others that we find real joy.  Love, sacrifice, and joy are all intimately connected so that the only way to find a fullness of any one of them you must put forth every effort in achieving them all.  Just like the cogs and wheels and gears of a clock, none of us are truly independent of one another.  We need one another and by working together we will find all these virtues and also a purpose in the Great Machine.

General Conference

Only twice a year do we as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints get to listen to all of the living prophets and apostles speak to the whole world about topics which through much study and prayer have been revealed to them as the things we need to hear right now at this time. I am always excited for General Conference and it is sad to hear other people who weren't able to get anything out of it or didn't make the time to take advantage of this gift. I was walking home from campus today and I overheard a few people talking about it saying that what is the point when they always seem to say the same thing every time.

It is said to think that we have so many individuals in the Church who don't understand the principles behind revelation. The word itself means to reveal or disclose facts, many times associated with man receiving this information from a divine or supernatural agency or source. I typically don't go into definitions but let's think about this for a moment... If revelation is about revealing or disclosing information typically that would mean that the recipient would need to be seeking or searching for that information. I remember being taught from a young age to always go to the temple and also to prepare for conference by coming with questions in mind. These questions didn't always have to deal with doctrine or the gospel but could be about my life and the actions or direction that I need to take. The point is that if I am not able to get anything out of a meeting it is because I hadn't prepared myself to be looking and listening for answers because sometimes the answers that we get aren't to the questions that we had originally asked.

The beauty of conference is the fact that the messages haven't changed all too much over time. God hasn't given up on us quite yet because I am sure that from personal experience I haven't mastered everything he has asked of me up to this point. Another little miracle is the fact that you can't take the messages that they share at face value either. Depending on where I am in life, I have different concerns or questions and many times you can listen to conference and get all of your questions answered. It is a miracle that the same talk that touched me or helped me can do the same thing for a completely different person with completely different concerns. What these men speak is modern day revelation, in essence living scripture. It should be no surprise then that people are able to have experiences similar to mine. Am I perfect and always feel spiritually enlightened at every meeting and always have that the feeling that the Spirit is with me? If I did, God would have taken me home and risen me up by now so by the fact that I am typing this means that by no stretch of the imagination am I there yet. But the point I am trying to make is that if you are wanting, desiring, and really trying to improve then you will always have questions and you will always have the potential to receive this kind of revelation. The greatest blessing is that the more you search it out and learn to recognize it, then the more that it will continue to come as long as you are willing to follow it.