Ever Have You Ever...

Have you ever had those moments where you had so much more to say? These are the times when you finally get the chance to say how you really feel and for whatever reason you don't take advantage of it. The reasons could be endless... a past fling, fear of the future, a friendship you don't want to ruin, timing is poor, too much all at once, and so many more thousands of reasons. For whatever reason you decide to hold your peace, but inside that is anything but what you are feeling. Your whole body is pushing you to divulge this secret crush, this passion, or idea. But the only thing you seem to do is bite your tongue. I have these moments happen all the time! I swear if there were any three gifts I consistently pray for it is: better timing, tact, and confidence.

The real reason I started this blog 2 years and 126 posts ago was as a way to say those very things that I didn't say. It wasn't that I was afraid to say them because when the timing has been right, I have. The problem is that I begin to feel them so much earlier than anybody else. I try to see good in people and by that I mean that as I learn to accept the bad, hoping we are all striving to improve, and I look for the good. It is easy to point out the bad but try to list off all the good attributes someone has and if you take the time to really get to know a person, for a reason that is without reason, the list of bad qualities will begin to diminish as you learn their story. No person in my opinion is born bad. Everyone has a story and as we learn our own pasts and let healing begin, we are able to bury our skeletons and we are able to write our own adventures in life. So as I meet people and discover all these strong, powerful, and amazing individuals it makes me want to be a better person. It gives me hope for my future, strength to push on and try harder every time I fall. People are not just strangers in your path that pass you as you walk on by. Each one has a story to be told, a purpose in life, dreams and goals, and a whole lot of love. I only am trying to unlock others' potential by giving them a chance to share and express their true selves.

The issue comes again from when I meet a special kind of woman and I begin to listen, watch, and slowly see the potential that she has. Women are amazing in the fact that they are extremely passionate. They are naturally emotionally-driven individuals but this only increases the passion that they have for their innermost desires. I have met women who are passionate about their majors and their careers, their testimonies and their families, the people around them and the relationships they are in, and others that are passionate about life and the activities they do and places they can see. Every woman is attractive in their own way but to see them in their element is a new kind of beauty all together. Is there a type of woman I am specifically attracted to? I don't know if there is "a type" but I do always seem to hear a familiar sigh from my family when I tell them about this beautiful red head or brunette that I met somewhere. Still, I always seem to find myself saying this one is the exception. And I think that is because everyone has a gift personal to them; something only they can offer. I have friends who pretend that they are not emotionally-driven but when she (I am going to pick one even though they are all the same in this aspect) starts to date a man that she is seriously interested in, her thoughts, as logical as they are, seem to come up with only emotional reasons why Mr. Charming is so wonderful. So my point in all this is simply I needed a place to express myself. For all the thoughts and feelings I have, only a fraction of them actually come out between my lips in the form of conversation or a compliment. And because the things I say come from my heart, they carry a sincerity and a feeling of honesty that can surprise people.

Strolling in the Moonlight is a place where I let others choose to go. It is where they will walk through my thoughts and see the light I give to my own intentions and desires. I may not always give every little detail but it is enough that you can feel and get to know the kind of person I am. Do not pretend that this will give you as a reader enough information to say that you really know me. This is not what any good writer will do, but they give you enough information that hopefully you will understand and connect with the message that they are trying to share. So if this the first time you have stumbled upon my thoughts, do not begin to suppose that you will know me but by the time you are through, I hope you will understand. Because in the end, I never pretend that I am alone in my opinions and experiences. We all live here together in this wonderful place so I hope that we can share it together. We are never alone.

My Every Day Life

I realized that overall I have a pretty amazing life. I am healthy, smart, and driven. I get up daily to walk to my college classes. I get done with my assignments, my projects, and typically stay on top of deadlines. I may fail a test or two but who doesn't when it comes to Mechanical Engineering? I am active in my ward but at times, I can feel inadequate in my calling. I do fine with teaching my lessons for Gospel Principles... this week I taught about the Atonement using the donut-push-up object lesson. But I never feel like I am really being the best ward mission leader, probably because I compare my efforts to those from the mission. I make my mistakes but I try every day to do my best as I struggle to be a little bit better. I haven't given up on my pursuit of a relationship. I have women that I date and I find every so often someone that I am really interested in but have yet to meet one where we are mutually and equally invested both physically and emotionally. As one of my married friends says, I am just one step closer to find the one. I have good roommates and good friends and I find small ways here and there to fill my time: sports, exercise, movies, music, TV, and the regular Halo Firefight with Ryan. College is a such a ride but I am getting tired of the roller coaster and I feel like I have started to numb myself to the effects. I think I am ready for a change of scenario to mix up things on this stage called Life.

I'm Not That Bad...

Today I was sitting in one of my engineering classes and we were discussing a test we had just gotten back. I admit even getting the average score was tough. I walked out of the testing center and it was the first test I had legitimately straight-up failed in a long time. I didn't know how to exactly take that. After hearing what other people were getting though, I became less worried because I was expecting a curve.

The reason I am writing this post however is not to say how crappy I did on the test because honestly, half of the students did better than me and the other half did worse. I am writing because I was surprised about the response of the class to the teacher. They were ripping him apart! It was like they had never done poorly on anything before and it was sad to watch. The answers were hard to pick out because he wanted the best answer, not just a right answer. This brought a lot of emotion to the entire class and as they attacked our professor, he slowly got more and more frustrated but he held his cool. Eventually, I felt like I had to stand up for him and tell my classmates to stop complaining and whining about a grade. They were moaning about a grade... that was about to be adjusted! I personally didn't do that well but the point is that life is not fair. I studied 10 hours and failed but in the long run, that is okay. You learn more from your mistakes than you do your successes. Relax. It is really not that big of deal.

Sometimes we just need to take a little time to remember the proper perspective. Sometimes we need to realize that it isn't that important to be right all the time. Sometimes we just need to relax and remember who we are. Sometimes we just need to stop for a moment, breathe, and then sit still. My emotions may get away from me sometimes but I am glad I was able to show my true character today.

Halloween

I am typically all for any holiday, especially the ones where you are rewarded for doing nothing with chocolate. But I have one problem with Halloween... and it is kinda a big one. I don't like the costume. I don't like the dressing up. Most people have been wearing a mask all year and this is the day where it is socially acceptable. Not a fan. Stupid reason I know... but it is a personal thing. I'm all for decorations, corn mazes, parties and other get-togethers, but not the costumes.

Chances Are...

Chances are that I like you more than you like me. Chances are this is more than just a possibility. Chances are that I am going to have to say it first. Chances are that you might not say it at all. Chances are that I am going to end up broken and shattered on the floor. Chances are you are heading for the door. Chances are that my chance has come and gone. But out of all the chances, all I need is one. Let's take the chance you and I...

Don't let your fears stop you from making the best decision you will make in a long time. Don't hesitate, over-think, over-analyze, etc. You can always make a list a mile long of reasons why things shouldn't work out. But you only need one reason why it could and that is each other.

The Eternal Struggle

The biggest thing that keeps me up at night, takes away my sleep and my happiness, is in the end this battle I have inside myself. It makes me second guess my choices, my motives, and my emotions. There isn't one thing that goes untouched. The problem is not the fact that I am always fighting within myself between selfish and selfless motives, love and lust, and a variety of other things. The problem is that I already know for which of these options I would want to submit to but the pain comes from the fact that at times I find myself choosing the alternative. In every way we can justify or judge the things that we do and most of the time we are toughest on ourselves. This struggle is more painful because even if we do find some happiness it is short-lived as we wander back into the dark. You have to pick one or the other because you can't have both.

Utah YSA Wards

In the church, there is a system that we have because we are so focused on families where we have congregations completely made up of young single adults (YSA Wards). The system is perfectly structured for one simple purpose... make people date and help them get married. I swear that the church promotes the bunny effect sometimes where if you put enough rabbits in the same area the population will just boom. So I guess I hate to say it but really the concept is great but I have always not been great at working with the system.

People are attracted to certain styles I have figured out. Girls are not always considered attractive by who they are but how they present themselves, what they wear, what their style is, etc. I honestly might find one girl super attractive but after getting to know her be completely turned off, and the exact opposite also holds true. I might not immediately notice someone because I wasn't attracted or like their style but once I get to know them I can realize how well we would have hit it off if I wasn't so distracted by other things. And though I would love to outline what exactly is my style... Besides the fact that it would be cheating for a girl to know that, I can't really pin it down exactly.

This all is interrelated because I signed up for of all things speed dating in my YSA Ward. I guess what I am getting at is because I have figured out that there are more things to someone than the presentation, I am just praying that other people have too. Typically I can leave a good first impression but this week had been super long and I just wasn't ready to go out tonight. The one person I was most excited to get to know I feel like I made the worst first impression of the night. It was one of those that if I get to see the video of my life, I would be sitting there giving commentary and ask myself why I said and did what I did. Seriously, I just wish things would come together just once. Still, I am going to ask her out for another date, bet on the fact that she sees past first impressions, and hope for the best.

Positive Perspectives

I have been spending a lot of time making friends this semester. I wish I could say the same about my studies, my work, and my calling. I feel like I can never completely catch up with any of those, but when it comes to making new friendships, I think I have been doing well. My roommates are both really chill guys. Ben is from Utah and recently got engaged this weekend to his wonderful fiance, Fatima. My other roommate, Ryan, is an awesome guy with a fantastic girlfriend. They are good for each other. Ryan and I have been able to do a lot of things together and I feel like we have gotten to know one another really well. I wish the best for them both.

The rest of my ward is about the same. I have met plenty of people who all have touched me in different ways. I guess I could go through them all one by one but I can leave it at that. I think this a good start considering that I am still learning to live with and love myself. This may be a lifelong pursuit but I am trying to be as patient as I can. I work hard, love long, and try to be the best example I can be, but I realize there is always more that I can do. I know there is more that I want to do with my life but more importantly, I am trying to do what I am supposed to right now. Enjoy the life that is around you, even the rain and that darkened puddle along the way. I hope that I can recognize and take advantage of all the blessings in my life as they come along.

I guess what I am trying to say is that things can be tough. Things can happen that upset our most carefully made plans. We can be frustrated at times. But in the end, realize that we will make it through and we will be able to pick ourselves up and move on. My week has been everything far from a bed of roses, unless you are accounting for the thorns. I must have needed to learn a few things. Patience is being willing to accept God's timing for us by using the time that He has given us. Be grateful for the blessings you have, learn to love the ones around you, and be patiently obedient. God loves you and He will turn all our experiences for our good if we trust Him as we follow the counsel that He gives us. Let us be sincere in all that we do and be happy. All we need to live in this world is to realize that it will be difficult but that we can take it head on with a smile and positive perspective.