Understand Yourself

All In Your Head

Today at church a lot of the discussions we had were from lessons centered on the doctrine of the family. In our church, the focus of what we teach is around a Christ- or gospel-centered family unit. This teaching was further reinforced in 1995 the following proclamation was shared in the Relief Society Session of General Conference.

The comment made today was that when it comes to fostering and strengthening a relationship, the majority of what goes on in a relationship actually happens in your head. I don't think I would disagree with that at all. In fact I think there is a lot of truth to that. For example, I don't think anyone has any business in being in a relationship with someone that they do not trust. I think it would be an absolute nightmare in fact.

 

The reason I'm posting something about this is during this Christmas break, I must not being super smiley or happy all the time because the number of people who have asked me if I am doing okay or telling me to smile more has been way too many. Not as many as the number of people who asked why I am not married yet but that is a different animal all together. If you were wondering, it was ten times at the last two church events.

 

 

I normally would try to defend myself or come up with some excuse as to explain my situation: I'm tired, been busy, not a lot of friends to hang out with at home, bored... But to be honest, none of those define how I choose to feel. I make that choice. And there has been moments when a smile has happened naturally to slide across my face: spending time with the nieces, seeing and catching up with old friends, or the occasional message from friends I made back in Utah. I don't know what has changed. I've seen a lot of things in my short life and I've a lot to be grateful for. So is it as simple as needing to exercise more? Do I need to stress less over my future?

 

If people could see me with my family, they would realize that yes, I do like serious deep personal conversations but I am also the kind of person that can turn that kind of a conversation in seconds with a little bit of wit and humor. I am also the introvert in a very loud extroverted family. I am known to randomly bust a move or start singing in my own house. And generally, my poker face is a smile. So when I am not smiling all the time, this doesn't mean that there has to be something wrong in my life - I might just be simply thinking! And if you haven't noticed, I think a lot.

Bill Watterson Tribute on Zen Pencils

I have always enjoyed Bill Watterson. He was my favorite cartoonist as a kid and I grew up reading the philosophies and adventures of a hugely imaginative and mischievous blonde boy named Calvin with his rocket ship underpants and his trusted companion and pet stuffed tiger, Hobbes. In fact, there are only two comics I will make sure that I own so I can share them with my future children and family and they would be a thorough and hopefully complete collection of Calvin & Hobbes as well as the TV Series, Avator: The Last Airbender. Until you experience them, don't hate on them. So without any surprise, I heartedly agree that a quote by Bill Watterson cartooned online at Zen Pencils was and should be the most popular cartoon for 2013.

Understanding the Walls

One of the things I have realized is although I love spending time with my family, my family is huge! I have a brother, sisters, parents, their families, and then I feel like each of them have their own "family" of friends wherever they go. I feel like I have my immediate family. I can't even explain how important I think it is to have that and to value them so much but then, if it is important to me then why is it that I don't feel like I have it when I know that in the back of my mind that I probably do.

I always wanted to grow up to be like my namesake and grandpa: Glenn Collette. He was loved by almost everyone and loved everyone. Sometimes with a tough love. He wasn't perfect - let's be clear. But at the same time, I feel like the ward that I live in now out at school is a bit... unwelcoming. That is probably why they have so many activities that are rescue efforts. I have never tried so hard to extend myself and try to get know people and continually get cold responses back. Still, I know how important my relationship with God is so I keep going and I don't jump wards because going to the temple and knowing my leaders is important to me too. In our church, your congregation is based on location and geographical areas along with priesthood presence.

I want to be able to feel like there are people who care about me and that are willing to let me become a part of their lives so I can care about them too. If it continues to be this bad next semester, for my own sanity, I may move somewhere else, which sucks because my roommates are fantastic.

Either way, I need to figure out of this break whether the walls that I see in front of me as I try to get to know different people, are they theirs or are they mine? Walls are responses of the body to emotional damage as a way to protect the heart. So that begs the question, is the person who cares less in a relationship really in control or are they a hopeless cause? How much effort should a person be willing to put in before it is past the breaking point? When is it good to let go and how do you do it? And maybe if I search hard enough I will find inside myself "an invincible summer."

Controlling the Actors

I have heard before that the mind is like a stage where only one actor can be on at one time. I have always thought that I whenever I had a fear or a temptation or a bad thought enter my stage that I immediately had to push it out and replace it with a good one. I always had to have a quiver of arrows of good thoughts at the ready to slay the devils in my mind as they came in and out of the spotlight. However being defensive is never your best offense.

Maybe the best way I can defeat my own demons is to simply slow down. Immobilize the thoughts and question them. Freeze them. Clear my stage and wait a minute or two. Collect myself and my thoughts and then instead of moving something weak into the fray to react to the disruption, I instead can move something strong into my mind instead. To be perfectly honest, I have doubts about myself and most of them come from within. I am still trying to prove them wrong but while I struggle in building more faith in myself, I can rely on the faith of others. I can rely on the faith of my family, my friends, and my God. I can do all things He asks of me and I am worth something to them.

He died for me. I wasn't just worth something but I was worth someone. God loved me enough that His Son gave up His own life for me. And He did so willingly because He has faith in the kind of man I will become. He trusts me and not only should that be enough but what that means is that I am enough. I can do this. He knows it and I have always been able to do it. I just need to focus on what is and not what can or could be. Fear is accepting that the only choice we have is to fail. However our history as well as our future was already written. If we choose to accept Christ as our Savior and Redeemer and we let that choice guide all things in our lives, we have already succeeded. It is only through Him and by Him that we are able to and have already overcome all things.

If we are to write our own story then it should be simple: I choose Him. And I will continue to choose Him again and again and again. And because of that choice, all other choices will lead to eternal life in an eternal family surrounded and maintained by the love of God. This life is but an instant in the grand scheme of eternities. I have to willing to commit my life to Him as He did for me.

Eight Steps to Properly Engage Others

       1.       Open with Transparent Purpose and a Level Playing Field

To open a conversation or gathering, describe the concerns that began the process, define where the change effort is at this moment, describe what the organization needs from us right now, and give some idea of the structure of this step.

The key is to tell the whole story. This includes weaknesses and failures. Don’t protect people from bad news in the name of protecting them from anxiety. Anxiety is the natural state, best handled in the light of day. The only caution is to keep it short and informal, with more from the heart than from the head.

2.       Renegotiate Expectations about Participation

From experience, when someone is confused or anxious by what we say, our response is to repeat it again louder, as if turning up the volume will solve the problem. As participants, we enter these discussion expecting something to happen to us. We expect to be entertained or taught. In every discussion, both sides have a job to do. There is a balance.

3.       Changing the Environment

There is no right way to change our rearrange your environment. There is no one right way to sit or structure a room. They all can work. What matters is that everyone is engaged in adapting the structure to the task at hand. When we know that each of us can make the shifts to fit our own purpose and still serve the overall purpose as well. In so doing, we have chosen to be accountable for the relationship and no longer have to be held bound to it.

4.       Create a Platform for Openness and Doubt

To have proper communication those that instigate a discussion need to both tell the truth about failure and uncertainty, as well as create an environment where there is an opportunity for all voices and viewpoints to be heard. Reality in the words of those who agree to the discussion become as important as the reality of the instigator – perhaps more important.

Creating this platform allows for a restoration of faith that is central to any change or improvement effort. Until we can speak in public, our sense of what is real – our doubts and reservations and our past disappointments – we are unable to invest in a different future. If we cannot say no, our yes has no meaning.

The key conversation that needs to go public is about people’s doubts and reservations. If doubt and even cynicism cannot be publicly expressed, then internal commitment cannot be offered freely. Some doubts give guidance for improvement; others don’t. People are not as orderly as machines, and many doubts go unanswered. In creating high engagement, it is the expression of doubt that counts, not its resolution. We cannot construct a plan that eliminates all doubts, but we can always acknowledge them. We can acknowledge cynicism and make room for it without being paralyzed by it.

Openness and reciprocity need to occur each time we meet. Even when we are implementing complicated changes, there has to be a relatively public platform for people’s concerns to be voiced and viewpoints to be sought. Relationships change, influence shifts, and boundaries are threatened; dialogue, widely held, is the only way to find new stability. Reassurances don’t help. We waste time when we are attempting to reassure, calm, and tell a story than when we have a conversation. If the speaker does not speak of doubt and uncertainty, and talk about failure if it has occurred, there has been no straight story. People’s trust in an individual comes down not so much whether that person is right, but to whether they are willing to tell the truth.

5.       Ask “What Do We Want to Create Together?”

There is no more profound question than this one, and none more difficult to answer in any meaningful way. It is the question on which real accountability hinges. There are two parts to the question: the question of creation and the question of together.

“Do we want to create?” is the dangerous part of the question. If yes, then we are beginning to define a future that ultimately we are responsible for. The second part of the question, “Do we want to create something together?” is also difficult to answer. We may be used to creating something on our own or in our unit, but when you ask, in effect, “What can we create together that we cannot create alone?” you are asking for a whole other level. To create something together, we have to cross boundaries and possibly yield territory. This question opens us to the possibility and confronts us with the reluctance of attending to someone else before ourselves.

6.       Create a New Conversation

A change in action is preceded by a change in the conversation. Old conversations lead to old actions. We want people to take positions that they cannot defend. Then we know we are in new territory. Old conversations become a refuge, a way for us to find safety. If changing the conversation does nothing else, it gives hope that each time we come together, we have the capacity to transform our experience. Change, surprise and unrest, are always within our reach. They are just waiting to come into existence.

7.       Choose Commitment and Accountability

We build capacity when commitment and accountability are chosen. We have lost faith in our willingness to choose to be accountable. We think we can produce accountability with incentives. The alternative is to have faith that there are conditions in which people want to be accountable: they want to set high goals, care for the well-being of the relationship, and know how they are doing. We need to be accountable to both God as well as to our significant others. This accountability is stronger when we move away from bartering or contractual relationships to real commitment.

A personal commitment means that we agree to do something that is not conditional on the response of someone else. That is why the word promise is so appropriate. If we make our commitments conditional on the response from another, they are really not commitments but are conditional and can be withdrawn if the other side does not deliver. A commitment is a promise or a pledge to do something. Period. There is nothing expected in return; it is only a choice to be made.

If we commit in this spirit, all the issues and conflict and confusion simply disappears. At the moment of commitment, the relationship becomes ours to create, and in the act of committing, we can find our freedom. There will still be obstacles and disappointment, but they will not breed cynicism, for we were not choosing on the basis of another’s action. If there is an affirmation or loss of faith, it will not in others but in ourselves.

8.       Focus on Gifts

We live in a world that is much more interested in our weaknesses and deficiencies than in our strengths and gifts. This is so common that we have even come to believe that it is useful. Not so. Most of us have been working on our deficiencies for much of our life and look at the progress we have made. The primary impact of focusing on weaknesses is that it breeds self-doubt and makes us easier to control.

We fear that if everyone really understood their strength and value, things might not hold together. Why would we settle for anything less than what we deserve? Why would shoot for anything but the best? We are blind to and embarrassed by our gifts, our capacity to forgive ourselves, our affirmation of the value we bring. Despite our shyness and the discomfort we feel in talking about gifts, nothing brings success faster than focusing on our strengths.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson

Leadership by Lamination

We interfere with real change and service when we think that progress grows out of the vision of the leader. The myth is that if we can just make the message sufficiently clear and compelling, if we can describe the burning platform with enough urgency and a bright tomorrow with enough zeal, change will occur. This leads to a great emphasis on communicating the vision and the business case for change.

The problem here is twofold. First, we affirmed, at the moment of lamination, that the leader’s vision was the one that counted. We all wanted to know what they were seeking. Once we knew this, we could all align ourselves and proceed to live it out. However, most often it was actually a support person who wrote the vision and brought it back to the leader for approval. But the product reflected the leader’s thoughts, and they gave it their stamp. This was fine for the leaders who created the vision – fine, that is, if they had created it primarily for themselves and sought guidance for their own actions through it.

Unfortunately, the visions were usually designed for others. We believed that the top should decide the culture that the middle and bottom would live by. This is the mind-set that takes the power out of vision, even though the middle and the bottom want to hear what the top has in mind. The fact that everyone wants to know the vision of the top does not make it meaningful.

Most frequently, when the group hears the vision of the leader, they are vaguely disappointed. The message designed to mobilize energy actually drains it. It is because they all read the same. I finally realized that it was the act of creating a vision that matters, not so much the content of what it was.

The second consequence of lamination was that a leader’s vision could now withstand the ravages of wind, and rain, and dark of night. That is why we laminated it: so it would last forever. That is the fallacy. A leader’s vision is not only not the point, but it is not immortal. Everyone in a group needs to struggle with the question of what kind of future they want to create, and that vision is something that is alive and open to change. Vision is more a dialogue than a declaration. It is an important conversation, a significant stretch of the imagination, and it needs to emerge as a collective work-in-progress from each unit. Once a vision is laminated, it loses its life.

With vision, there is also a major difference in setting standards and setting expectations. To have high expectations of others is to have faith in them. It is an expression of optimism and hope in the capacities of another. It is an expression of the connection between people and is experienced as support. Standard setting, as it is most commonly used to trigger change, is born not of support but of disappointment and demand.

We need to avoid planning something in a huddle that is supposed to change the behavior of others outside of the circle. We do not fix people. Our task is to stay focused on the gifts and capacities of people and what they can do about their own actions. Change and accountability occur when we live them, not preach them. Each of us wants feedback on how we are doing. But the feedback does not create the doing. While they are useful tools for measuring performance, they need to be under the control of those doing the work and need to be kept in perspective as simply one part of making change. Much of what matters cannot be measured, and our interactions need to reflect that.

I Am Ted Mosby

I was taking a serious break from things today and I know I relate myself to stories and characters from stories. My mom sometimes compares me to Leonard from the Big Bang Theory. I am guessing it is mostly because of the whole nerdy engineering side of me but I am trying to step away from that in grad school and with consulting. I don't think I will successfully depart from it entirely though. The point is I had a super relaxing day today and I got a chance to just vege out with some laundry, hot chocolate, and one of my favorite shows, How I Met Your Mother. It is like a modern day version of Friends - still a little crude but the central story is basically the same. After watching a whole season today, I realized that I am a lot like Ted Mosby.

The best way to sum up Ted Mosby is that he is a not-so-successful architect in New York who has a rough history of failed relationships. Ted is constantly in search for "The One." He has an interesting set of friends who carry a variety of roles, one of which is played by Neil Patrick Harris who makes this whole show dirty but hilarious.

 

The thing about Ted is he is loyal to a T, has an odd sense of morality and humor, actually he is all-around odd at times. The point being is that he is a good guy who keeps following his dreams and doesn't care how society tells him to conform. So it isn't a perfect fit but if you watch the show, one of two things will happen: you will love it or you will hate it. But here is a piece of wisdom I totally can relate to from the episodes I watched today:

"I don't need your help, okay? I can take care of myself. And ya maybe... Maybe there are some girls who wouldn't like it that I called them right away or said things too soon. But guess what? Those aren't the right girls for me. And maybe the right girl is the one who loves that I do those things because that is just who I am and I am not going to change because of some stupid three days rule."

 I wish I knew the end of the story, my story. I wish I could flash forward sometimes and see who it is and how things were going to be. I wish I knew for a fact that everything was going to be okay.

But then again I guess that is why he requires so much of us. He expects us to trust him, to have faith in the plan, and pick ourselves back up when things get hard. I need to find joy in the journey and learn to look for the best in every situation because in the end, everything is going to be okay. Everything will fall into place as it should and always seems to do.