Waiting For Answers

Listening is an interesting talent that some people possess. In fact, I would go so far as to call it a gift. When we think about life and all the things that we are faced with and do, many of us don't take too much time to stop and listen. One of the many things that my father told me in the early part of my mission was that I needed to stop and listen. The ability to listen is the ability to be teachable. It is the ability to properly communicate and understand. At times I can be a bit of a rambler but when necessary I listen.

When people need someone to talk to I always feel like I will become like this Dr. Phil where they will want to lay out and begin to rattle off all the things in their soul to me. It happened to me in high school. It happened again on my mission. It happens now in college. People don't always need to be prompted to say what they feel. Sometimes they just need the space to express themselves. This in essence is how meditation and the arts work. Specks of inspiration come as a person takes the time to really think, organize, and follow their own thoughts but during the whole process they might not need to focus on how to make things connect or how things happen but just by letting the thought linger, it grows. The same is true with being able to listen. If you are willing to absorb everything that is being given to you, just focusing on what is coming in and letting the thoughts simmer a bit, instead of trying to figure out what the next step is, how to respond, give some sort of counterargument, then we are able to really understand one another.

I feel like when I can focus on people and on their needs and their emotions, I can connect with them. I can listen to them and then I am prompted in what I need to say to help them unload and express their desires, their fears, and all the different feelings of the heart. Sometimes all you can do is hold a loved one in your arms and by just being there, holding them steady, letting them speak from the heart, you are able to show exactly how much you love and respect them. Many people just need encouragement instead of being given direction. And if you think about it that is how most of us grow, by enduring and pushing through our mistakes. If we are willing to lean on others, we will eventually be able to stand on our own. And all we needed was someone to talk to.

I myself will go for a long walk. It may look like I am alone but really I am going on these excursions to seek counsel. I go and I just think about life, my goals, my dreams, my present, my future... and as I ponder on how the whole journey has been going, I try to be open to any ideas that come into my mind of ways I can improve. These thoughts are what help guide me on how to grow personally, with my relationship with others, with my relationship with God. And it is with God whom I am attempting to converse! I am trying to listen to the thoughts and feelings in my heart and my mind and if I am willing to take the time to not interrupt him, be completely forthcoming and honest about everything I am going through and what I am feeling, it is an emotional, mental, and spiritual dump that is revitalizing. Physically it makes me feel better. And all it took was making time for God. To speak with Him... and I mean with, not to Him. He wants to bless us. He wants us to be happy. And sometimes he asks us to do things that we don't know how to do or if we are even capable of accomplishing. I can say like many of the prophets that at times, "I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." But that is His point... in making us learn to listen and to trust Him.

God will qualify us and work miracles in our lives and on our behalf. It is love that allows a person to truly hear and see another person's heart and soul. I guess I am writing this post because I have been thinking a lot about things in my future. I am looking for guidance and I can say that I don't know what to do. I have never been down this road before. But as long as I open my ears and my heart to the Spirit, I am sure I will receive the answers to my prayers.

Looking Ahead

Tatiana and I like to discuss our futures a lot. We enjoy talking about what we do each day too but I would rather talk about the times when we will be together instead of when we are apart. But as I have been trying to figure out how to make the next few months as easy on us as possible, I have been amazed about what we have been able to come up with together.

I had gotten an iPod for Christmas this last year and for some odd reason, the laptop that I have had for college has been acting up and won't let me put any music on that particular iPod. So for a while it just sat on my desk without any particular purpose for me to own it. Then I started going through and looking at what apps were available to me and now I have my scriptures and lesson manuals on it. I have the General Conference talks on it. I have a variety of ways that I can send messages or voicemails to Tatiana from it. I can send her pictures. I can even play different games with her. But if anything I can definitely say that it is a start. I am writing her emails every day. We are studying the Book of Mormon together. I am planning on sending her a letter every week. I am trying to think of any way I can to make sure that whatever distance is between us doesn't have to feel so far. I even made sure that when she left, she could have little pieces of me wherever she looked... jewelry, sweatshirts, photos, letters, stuffed animals, etc.

The kicker for me however is I am Skyping her weekly, if not daily, and we share a chocolate on our Sunday Skype dates. There are about 20 weeks left so we will share 20 more chocolates until we can finally be together again. The thing is that when I say "finally" I mean it just can't come soon enough. I am trying to focus on my classes and my studies. I am trying to get through the daily grind. Still, the only thing that brings any life into me is when I get a message from her, when I hear her voice, or some small reminder brings back a memory. I still am fasting and praying for her as we are still waiting for a response from BYU about whether or not she has been accepted as a transfer student. I still am fasting and praying for her as she is getting adjusted to being back home.


I guess the real update is that I feel like this is doable. Easy... hell, no. Doable... yes. So this is me accepting the fact that it is going to be a lot of late nights, long study sessions, and taking some time to carve out a nook in the library that I will call my own as I try to carry myself through these classes. My classes this semester as not crazily difficult... it is the combination of them that is insane. Taking anatomy and organic chemistry at the same time has been very hard. But to top it off with a couple of time-consuming mechanical engineering courses was probably not my best move. Still, I am trying to graduate with my BS next year so I can start applying for graduate school.

Things have changed in that aspect as well. I have thought for a long time that I would get my biomedical engineering degree at the University of Utah, continuing to return home to the east coast to work at my internship with NxStage Medical, and when it was all said and done, finish and return back home to settle down on the east coast. Well, my Aussie girl has changed a couple of those things for me. We want to see how far her dreams of animation can take her, starting with attending BYU. BYU is unique that it is one of the top three colleges worldwide for that major and is highly recruited by the big names in the industry. If she is recruited by one of them, then the likelihood of going east instead of west is beginning to dwindle. I want her to succeed. I want her to try for her dreams so I am going to support her in any way I can. And as I have thought about that, I have begun to develop different goals for myself. I have had thoughts of getting a MS or MBA from BYU. It means that along with working for NxStage Medical again this summer, I will be getting ready to fly over to Australia to visit Tatiana, studying to take the GRE and GMAT exams, and planning the rest of my life basically.


She has done so much for me and so much to me... all I can say is that it is great and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have been happier when I am with her, more confident, the Spirit is stronger in my life, and in the end she is woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I guess the only thing left to do is just count down the days until I get to see her again... I just pray that they come quickly.

The Last Few Months

If I had could have flown with her to Australia... Well, I wouldn't deny that I didn't think about it. Seriously, the last couple of months were amazing. When I think about her, she is unlike any one I have ever met. She is special.

I don't know how many times I have tried to finish this post and describe what she means to me, our commonalities, our differences that I am attracted to, but the point is that after meeting her it was like there was no one else, I thought about her constantly, and every moment that we shared together she would make me smile. There was something about her that made me feel like I had always known her. And when I think about her now, I love all the memories that we made together and all the little things we have done. My life feels empty without her here beside me but I know that in the end, she had to go home. She had to go back... for legal reasons there was that visa thing... but she needed to spend some more time with her family, go back to uni, finish some more classes, and though it will be challenging for the both of us we will be together again. I have been praying for her for a long time... both because of the challenges we are both going to have to face when we are apart but really I have always been praying for her although I didn't know it.

I have always hoped that God would lead me to someone that I could fall in love with and that they would fall in love with me too. I was just hoping that I wasn't such a hard case that he would have to find her on the other side of the globe, but maybe I am not a hard case but just a special one. I know that some of my siblings and friends would definitely describe me as "special." But seriously looking back, the coincidences that had to line up so we would meet were too random to think that God really didn't have a hand in all of this. And I couldn't have painted God a better picture of who I dreamed of because I hadn't met here until now. She is talented, caring, passionate, loving, loyal, witty, competitive, in tune with the Spirit, and I find her attractive in every way. I fell in love and I fell in love hard. We did so many things together that we hadn't done before and each time I felt like we were growing together. The thing that shocked me the most is the feelings I felt because in the past I had thought I loved people with all my heart and maybe I had, but never before had I felt like our hearts had become one. I have finally met someone who loves me as much as I love them, almost as if my soul was tied to hers and that the very thought of her leaving would feel as if she would take my heart and soul with her. I have given her everything that I am and hope to become... all of my hopes, my dreams, she has all of me. And in return, she is helping me become a better person in so many ways.

This next chapter is going to be as my dad used to call it a "character-building experience." And in adolescent years my response to him announcing those experiences approaching would be, "Character sucks... especially when you are building it." What I am saying is that I am not excited for our separation but it will make us both stronger. We will have to rely on each other, trust in God, and most of all trust in the feelings and inspiration we have both received. So to any of my readers out there, please... please pray for us. She has applied to transfer to BYU and if she gets in then she can apply to the animation program which is one of the best in the world. She needs a lot of strength while she is back home and she will need the Spirit to aid her. I can use all the patience and portions of the Spirit as I can get as well. We will need to focus. We will need to reach out to each other. We will need each other. I need her. So please pray for us. She is my miracle... my angel... my everything.



PS - I promise I will try not to go this mushy in the future. It just has been tough with her gone and I really needed to pour out my emotions. Pray for us...

Falling Into Place

Sometimes we wonder what is the plan for our lives. We ask if there is something different that we should be doing or we question the circumstances we currently find ourselves in. Recently, I haven't had to ask any of these things nor have I really considered them. I have been so blessed to be working hard in a major that at times I complain about, but when I have had the chance to really had the opportunity to put my knowledge to the test through working, I have really enjoyed it. I have a girlfriend that I absolutely love and communicate and can relate to on almost every level, whom I share memories, emotions, and so many great laughs and smiles. My family is doing really well, I feel like I have solid roommates and friends and spiritually I am in an amazing place. There seems that even at this point there are things that still need to be done, fixed, or figured out as I move forward... I am a planner so what else is new... the point is that it seems like every hurdle I come up against, the things I need to overcome it fall into place.

In the past, I have talked about the goals, failures, and successes I have seen in my life. Right now I just want to acknowledge Heavenly Father's hand in all things. I have never been happier or had more confidence in my decisions. Could I say that all of this comes from what has happened recently: good grades, staying on top of my classes, being in the most wonderful and loving relationship I have had? I really can't but it without a doubt helps. It helps me know that God loves me. He is where our happiness comes from, knowing that we are accomplishing His will and have His Spirit with us. The individuals and events that have fallen into place are evidence of that and they are a witness of His love for me. He knows me better than anyone... my weaknesses, my shortcoming, my strengths, my talents, my hopes, and my dreams. The last few weeks I can't stop smiling when I stop to think about a bright future coming together for me and the ones I love.

Staying Focused

It is interesting that even though I have the most difficult semester I have ever had at BYU, I am still afloat in all my classes and have spent so much time with my Aussie and helping her in transferring to BYU. She is an animation major which may be part of the total explanation why we have so much in common... goofy, creative, kid-at-heart, etc. Anyways, I never realized how hard it is for international students to study here in America. The hoops they have to jump through are a mile long and then some. But so far, I feel like we have been able to navigate them with a lot of helped from loved ones and I have a feeling that she will be able to pull off the miracle of getting accepted. The original plan was for her to finish her Bachelor's degree over in Australia and then get accepted into a Master's program here at BYU. The catch is there is no Master's program and so we have been rushing to get everything together before the February 1st deadline. It feels like sometimes that there is one hill after another but we have been faithful and miracle after miracle has kept us on track. Nevertheless, any prayers would be appreciated.

Back to how things have been going... in a word, amazing. I feel like we have been able to stay moving forward at a good pace and though I still dread her leaving February to go back home to Australia, I know that we will be able to make it through. We have done so many fun things together. I had no idea that black light mini-golfing was so hilarious and so much fun! We also spent some time up at Park City, have been traveling around Utah doing baptisms for the dead weekly if at all possible, and this weekend we are going to head to Idaho Falls to just recover and relax from the classes and the stress generated from the transfer process. She has been a real trooper through all of it and I can't even begin to say how grateful I have been for the support of my parents in helping us through all of it, the support of her family back in Australia in getting things together in such short notice, and of course God for His hand in all of this.

If there is one thing that has come to my attention it is the fact that it is we really support one another. She tries to make sure I get done the things I need to do for my classes and I am trying to be there for her through everything she has had to last few weeks: figure out how to get paperwork sorted from across the globe, conference calling her parents, talking and setting up appointments with church and school officials and professors, and trying to get her credits transferred. All the time we have been strong on the outside even though I am sure we are both exhausted on the inside. We have handled the pressure and stress of it all with faith and maturity and of course a lot of outside help. But I guess what I am trying to say is that we lean on each other, we trust each other, and by working together, these situations we are navigating are helping our feelings for one another deepen and grow.

I try to plan little trips or activities that we can do that are unique to America and we have done some of those things but we still have so much we want to do. She has gone bungee jumping off the Sky Jump on her trip to Las Vegas, had a blast at Disneyland in California, and we still need to go skiing at Sundance and snowshoeing up at Aspen Grove. I swear that there is never enough time in the day to do everything that you want and need to do. Still we make do with the time we have and enjoy the little things we get to do together. Anyways, I don't think I have ever been happier, confident, and more focused. So I ask everyone to do me this little favor and pray for us. Pray that she can be admitted to BYU and their animation program. It is not every day that we get the opportunity to follow our dreams.

Finally Found Her

So I haven't really been posting too much as of late for two major reasons. The first reason is kind of boring but pretty self-explanatory. My current class schedule consists of Heat Transfer and System Dynamics (Mechanical Engineering courses), Second Half of Doctrine & Covenants, Organic Chemistry, and Human Anatomy. If that isn't ridiculous then I don't know what is. The second reason is that I am currently in a relationship with an absolutely amazing woman.

I don't always like to write about relationships that I am currently in because I think of it almost as if that was bad karma... (knock on wood). But in this case, I feel like I almost have to talk about it. I honestly don't think I have met anyone quite like her. She feels like my other half. We have so much in common and the things that are unique or different between the two of us I love as well too. Our personalities are similar, our long-term goals are similar, and our interests are similar. When I hear her laugh, I just melt. When we kiss, it takes my breath away. She is touchy-feely just like I am. But we also respect one another, listen and talk openly with one another. I have never communicated so well with someone. For being forced to be grow up and be mature at such an early age, she also is so goofy that I just can't help but smile when I think about her. The things that happen when we are with together are so unpredictable and spontaneous that they can only be described as interesting. It's almost hard to believe how happy she makes me.

And the amazing thing is the miracles that have been happening to help this whole thing come to pass. If I think about these last semesters, I had to move out of my old apartment that I liked, find somewhere new to live at the last minute, have specific people also living in my ward, both of us choosing to go to meetings at the last minute that we weren't sure we would attend, all so we could get introduced to each other. Plus this is the first experience that I have had where timing was actually in my favor! If I hadn't taken the classes I did, I wouldn't have been able to help her how I have so far in trying to get her accepted into BYU next November. Then when my internships weren't really coming together for this summer, this realization came that since I was working for my previous employer, I might be able to schedule some time to go across the world to see her. She is leaving to go home in about a month so I hope that the feelings which we have for each other now are just as strong, if not stronger, when she gets ready to leave. The distance will be a good measure of where we are at. But the real miracle is that I am not worried about it at all. I never truly worry or doubt, or am afraid of where this is going because it is mutual and it just feels right.

To put it as simply as possible, I will just quote my dad, "Why did you have to fall in love with someone that lives on the other side of the world?" And I think my dad is completely right... I have fallen for my Australian girl. I guess the long and short of this whole post is... all parts of my life are kind of not where I expected them to be, but at the same point in time, I like where it is all going. I will just have to keep you all posted.

Partying It Up New Year's Eve!

I don't know what any of the rest of you did New Year's Eve but I can tell you this, my night was as my sister would have said it... pretty bomb-diggity. I got to spend time with my parents. My sisters partied the night away... away from us so there was less drama. We listened to the party going on at Times Square as we waited for the ball to drop and we played games and drank Martinelli's Sparkling Cider. That is right... Mormons party rock!

But seriously, we had a lot of fun. We laughed and enjoyed a good night. Dad got a little action when he thought it was midnight so he may have been a little eager beaver in kissing his sweetie but that is my parents for you. And yes they did so with crazy 2012 glasses on. Earlier in the night we played a game I bought called Munchkin. And it is just plain hilarious! Even the rules are fun to read! But even though my dad one the first game, I ended up winning the second game after a drastic comeback. It was a hard fight to the bitter end but I came off victorious. It is slightly complicated so I don't know how much fun my mom had but I think my dad at least had fun. Who can't laugh when they are fighting Wannabe Vampires and Shrieking Geeks when they armed with a Horny Helmet, Boots of Butt Kicking and their Potion of Halitosis?

Also I decided to start a couple of books before I fly back to Provo on Tuesday... The Hunger Games (no one tell me how it goes because I think I already have had enough of them spoiled by my sisters) but first I am going to finish The Alchemist. So far it has been really good and I think everyone can get something out of reading it. It speaks to everyone differently and to each person differently through out there lives. It has many life lessons that it teaches through the experiences and attitudes of the interacting characters. It really is fascinating. It is almost like a a modern version of the Canterbury Tales.

In my own defense, I promise I am normal... But this may just prove that it might take one special girl to help me out with number five of my eight New Year's Resolutions for 2012.

Getting Ready for the End of the World

So I figure that when it comes to New Year's Resolutions and the fact that according to the Mayans and popular opinion the world ends this next year, my goals better be pretty lofty! Go big or go home! Know what I mean?


Remembering that these are goals will be a little large and I have a whole year to accomplish them (keep that little tidbit in context of the goals...) I want by the end of 2013 to have done the following:

1. By the end of this upcoming Winter Semester, I want to still be eligible for a scholarship. As a mechanical engineering major that means I still need to be up around a 3.55 GPA. I want to take either the GRE or the ME Exam next year.

2. Also when it comes to education, I need to apply for graduation next year! I didn't think I would be saying that any time soon since I feel like I am still in the middle of all my classes. But I also need to figure out when I am going to start checking out colleges for graduate school so I can get a Master's degree in Biomedical Engineering. So far, I think I will be applying for the University of Utah, UCLA, Ohio State, etc. So yes, my first choice of colleges to transfer to from BYU to is going to be U of U. I will pause for a moment to await the befuddlement and confusion.

3. The other thing I need to figure out is if I can set up an internship for this upcoming summer. I am still looking for a good place to go but to be honest, if I did just go back to my last summer internship I know my supervisors and coworkers well enough that if I wanted time off I could ask for it while still getting good work experience.

4. Most people would ask why in the world I would be asking for time off... well, let me tell you. My family travels a lot and they are going on a cruise without me during the Spring Break this year. BYU doesn't have a Spring Break and on top of that I also have never been on a cruise! So this summer I may want to take two weeks off and go visit friends. So I want to do a little traveling!

5. I also am going to be turning 24 this next year and kinda like my roommate Ryan, it would nice not to become as it is called in LDS pop culture, a menace to society. If the situation right and it happens that I am dating the right girl, I would want to be engaged or married this next year (If you can't figure this one out... this would be the lofty goal.). I don't know if it will happen but I will try to be patient and see what happens. So I guess a more realistic goal is that I want to be dating someone seriously this next year and if this happens, then it will be a great blessing in my life.

6. Be able to manage my time a lot better. There is going to be a lot of things taking up my time next semester and I need to stay on top of things so I get the most out of my day and I don't end up wasting my own time. I had to quit my job as a research assistant that I had last semester because this next semester looks like it will be very difficult. Between classes, dating, and just taking care of business at my apartment and in my ward, I may be pretty tired which is just an easy prediction that I am planning on making now.

7. Along with managing my time better, I want to manage my health better. Apparently my doctors want me to do a couple of things. As a diabetic I should have only half of the food that I eat at any meal be carbs. Well I can tell you right now that never happens. So I need to fix that for sure. Then I need to test more, even when I am on vacation. And finally, I want to make time for daily exercise. Whether that consists of push ups and sit ups at night or a run, if my 50 year old dad can do it... then I can do it.

8. This next year I am planning on taking a Doctrine & Covenants class but I want to also read the Book of Mormon this year. So whether I start now or I create a reading program for myself over the summer. I want to finish the Doctrine & Covenants and the Book of Mormon this year. Maybe if I try a little harder with this goal, then maybe God will help me out a little more with goal #5! We can always hope, right?