knew anyone could read it and for my own good, I had people who truly cared about me tell me I should fix that because of how private some of my thoughts may seem. Well the problem with that is after making the change to privatize, I no longer knew who would read it. I had a select group that I had invited to read it but I didn't know how each of them would respond. I never really got feedback from anyone in particular (again with a few exceptions which I am grateful for) so to narrow my audience and get the same results was not upsetting but confusing. I didn't know who I was writing to. If I wrote to the public I had a voice. If I wrote to one person then I could express myself to them privately. But to this new audience it was like having a private discussion with someone while allowing others eavesdrop. It just felt like a very odd and uncomfortable conversation for me. So for my own sanity, I am going to undo what I did and make this open to the public again. For those of you that do not know me, this is typically the deeper side of an easy-going and fun-loving individual. Don't judge a book by its cover or even a couple chapters, read the whole thing. If people read this, they won't know me or understand me, but they will be on their way to beginning to.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Knowing Your Audience
I had a conversation with another friend and it was surprising how simple she made it for me to understand why I struggled this summer in my writing. It has always been such a relief to me but ever since I closed it off to the public I didn't know how to express myself. Beforehand I 
knew anyone could read it and for my own good, I had people who truly cared about me tell me I should fix that because of how private some of my thoughts may seem. Well the problem with that is after making the change to privatize, I no longer knew who would read it. I had a select group that I had invited to read it but I didn't know how each of them would respond. I never really got feedback from anyone in particular (again with a few exceptions which I am grateful for) so to narrow my audience and get the same results was not upsetting but confusing. I didn't know who I was writing to. If I wrote to the public I had a voice. If I wrote to one person then I could express myself to them privately. But to this new audience it was like having a private discussion with someone while allowing others eavesdrop. It just felt like a very odd and uncomfortable conversation for me. So for my own sanity, I am going to undo what I did and make this open to the public again. For those of you that do not know me, this is typically the deeper side of an easy-going and fun-loving individual. Don't judge a book by its cover or even a couple chapters, read the whole thing. If people read this, they won't know me or understand me, but they will be on their way to beginning to.
knew anyone could read it and for my own good, I had people who truly cared about me tell me I should fix that because of how private some of my thoughts may seem. Well the problem with that is after making the change to privatize, I no longer knew who would read it. I had a select group that I had invited to read it but I didn't know how each of them would respond. I never really got feedback from anyone in particular (again with a few exceptions which I am grateful for) so to narrow my audience and get the same results was not upsetting but confusing. I didn't know who I was writing to. If I wrote to the public I had a voice. If I wrote to one person then I could express myself to them privately. But to this new audience it was like having a private discussion with someone while allowing others eavesdrop. It just felt like a very odd and uncomfortable conversation for me. So for my own sanity, I am going to undo what I did and make this open to the public again. For those of you that do not know me, this is typically the deeper side of an easy-going and fun-loving individual. Don't judge a book by its cover or even a couple chapters, read the whole thing. If people read this, they won't know me or understand me, but they will be on their way to beginning to.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Moments of Reflection
I know I haven't really writing all too much as of late and honestly, it has been killing me. I will definitely say that I haven't just been sitting around doing nothing this summer. I have been working my tail off to be quite honest. I was able to do some fun things here and there with a bit of planning... spent time out at Cape Cod in Massachusetts, saw an outdoor production of the Wizard of Oz on the coast, had a lobster dinner, had a bunch of family outings, watched a bunch of movies on my unwritten movie list, made and remade acquaintances of both new and old friends. I realized that honestly I am not that patient even though at times I think I can be. I recognize that out of a lot of weaknesses there are a couple I should really try hard to change. These are things like not being a party person, never really working out, and believing that I am not really worthy or able to do a variety of different things and by doing that I sell myself short in a lot of ways.
There have been a few really good conversations though that have also been reflective but in a more positive way. I thought about my relationships that I have had and do have with my friends and I realized that though I have made many solid friendships at college, my strongest friends I made back at home. You don't pick your family but you love your family and as those relationships grow you would do anything for them. If I had to pick someone who wasn't already my brother to be one of my brothers that person would either be Jared Crain or Caleb Earnshaw. I know I typically don't use names but these two men would do anything for me and vice versa. They are the kind of men that I wouldn't think twice of asking them to be groomsmen or to bail each other out in a pinch. They are like brothers to me because not only have we all been through different things but by learning from our experiences, we can each relate to one another and have an understanding of the effort and strength it takes us to become better men, to overcome and recover from our weaknesses and past mistakes. We all have supported each other in our low times and celebrated each others highs as well.
And that would be a good description of my summer actually: filled with highs and lows. I prefer to deliver bad news first because it makes me feel that the good news is that much better but really neither one was an extreme case. Only a couple of weeks after purchasing my first car, I was commuting from work and got a driving ticket which would haunt me all summer. Eventually it got taken care of and the charges were lessened and I got to keep my license but nevertheless it was not fun to say the least. Then the good news happened here at the end of the summer. I was commuting every day to my work as an intern for a biomedical device company in Lawrence, MA. On my last day, my group of coworkers in the Research & Development Department decided to take me to lunch. It was a lot of fun and afterwards we all exchanged contact information and all of them had kind words to say. Apparently I might be cut out for this kind of job after all. But the nicest thing that was said was by the VP in our division. He was a family friend who I always had been curious about his work and had asked him lots of questions until I was old enough and experienced enough that I thought I could ask him to see if he could get me an internship with his company. The compliment he left me with this summer was the best of all. I thanked him for giving me the shot and before I could say more he stopped me to tell me he was grateful. I asked why and he said, "Thank you for making me look good." He said a few more things about hiring friends and some take advantage and others worked hard but it was that simple phrase that stuck out the most. Thank you for making me look good. This compliment was coming from a VP, developer, and head engineer in a top 5 ranked best pre-IPO medical companies to invest in according to Forbes magazines. Honestly, he just being my family friend and old scoutmaster and it would have had the same effect on me. It was a good summer and an invaluable experience.
When I think long term however, there are a lot of paths I could take and there are a lot of variables that would change my direction. For instance, I loved my internship this summer and the company itself is definitely cutting edge and going places in the industry. However a piece of advice that I got from my adviser was that I needed to see more corporate companies. All the ones that I have worked for so far are successful start-ups. I need to work for companies that have multiple locations throughout the United States. I need to work for companies like Pratt & Whitney, Boeing, or BAE Systems. I luckily actually have a job with one of them when I get back to school but it would be best if I did a full on summer internship to get a better look at the feel of a corporate company. I am going to go through my contacts and try a couple of companies but again that is still too near-sighted of a perspective. The kind of perspective I am talking about is more on the idea that in three to five years I should have my undergrad under my belt from BYU (1.5 to 2 years). If I am single still I might want to forgo an internship post graduation and secure residency in Utah so I can transfer to the University of Utah for grad school in biomedical engineering. If I am married, then it would be best to move out and start looking for a good company that I could put my roots into whether that is a new company or back to one where I have worked before. So far I am on route with my goal to graduate without any debt which would be fantastic so I want to keep that going of course.
I have plenty of other goals as well. I figure that I need to be more patient when it comes to dating. I should keep my friendships solid with my married friends, rekindle a couple of those and maybe they will have friends they could set me up with or extra food in their pantries, who knows? Then again, I also want to start working out. I never have really started and I think if I got serious about it then not only could I get healthier but I hope it would make me more attractive as well. I really don't know where it would go. So in the end, I really don't think my goals have changed much at all... keep on top of my health physically, socially, and spiritually, while keeping up my grades and education so I can get the best job possible. Now if only there was something more. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe it is the fact that there is always more that you can see yourself improving on and so it feels like you are always incomplete or hopefully when I meet that special someone then at least some of that feeling will go away.
There have been a few really good conversations though that have also been reflective but in a more positive way. I thought about my relationships that I have had and do have with my friends and I realized that though I have made many solid friendships at college, my strongest friends I made back at home. You don't pick your family but you love your family and as those relationships grow you would do anything for them. If I had to pick someone who wasn't already my brother to be one of my brothers that person would either be Jared Crain or Caleb Earnshaw. I know I typically don't use names but these two men would do anything for me and vice versa. They are the kind of men that I wouldn't think twice of asking them to be groomsmen or to bail each other out in a pinch. They are like brothers to me because not only have we all been through different things but by learning from our experiences, we can each relate to one another and have an understanding of the effort and strength it takes us to become better men, to overcome and recover from our weaknesses and past mistakes. We all have supported each other in our low times and celebrated each others highs as well.
And that would be a good description of my summer actually: filled with highs and lows. I prefer to deliver bad news first because it makes me feel that the good news is that much better but really neither one was an extreme case. Only a couple of weeks after purchasing my first car, I was commuting from work and got a driving ticket which would haunt me all summer. Eventually it got taken care of and the charges were lessened and I got to keep my license but nevertheless it was not fun to say the least. Then the good news happened here at the end of the summer. I was commuting every day to my work as an intern for a biomedical device company in Lawrence, MA. On my last day, my group of coworkers in the Research & Development Department decided to take me to lunch. It was a lot of fun and afterwards we all exchanged contact information and all of them had kind words to say. Apparently I might be cut out for this kind of job after all. But the nicest thing that was said was by the VP in our division. He was a family friend who I always had been curious about his work and had asked him lots of questions until I was old enough and experienced enough that I thought I could ask him to see if he could get me an internship with his company. The compliment he left me with this summer was the best of all. I thanked him for giving me the shot and before I could say more he stopped me to tell me he was grateful. I asked why and he said, "Thank you for making me look good." He said a few more things about hiring friends and some take advantage and others worked hard but it was that simple phrase that stuck out the most. Thank you for making me look good. This compliment was coming from a VP, developer, and head engineer in a top 5 ranked best pre-IPO medical companies to invest in according to Forbes magazines. Honestly, he just being my family friend and old scoutmaster and it would have had the same effect on me. It was a good summer and an invaluable experience.
When I think long term however, there are a lot of paths I could take and there are a lot of variables that would change my direction. For instance, I loved my internship this summer and the company itself is definitely cutting edge and going places in the industry. However a piece of advice that I got from my adviser was that I needed to see more corporate companies. All the ones that I have worked for so far are successful start-ups. I need to work for companies that have multiple locations throughout the United States. I need to work for companies like Pratt & Whitney, Boeing, or BAE Systems. I luckily actually have a job with one of them when I get back to school but it would be best if I did a full on summer internship to get a better look at the feel of a corporate company. I am going to go through my contacts and try a couple of companies but again that is still too near-sighted of a perspective. The kind of perspective I am talking about is more on the idea that in three to five years I should have my undergrad under my belt from BYU (1.5 to 2 years). If I am single still I might want to forgo an internship post graduation and secure residency in Utah so I can transfer to the University of Utah for grad school in biomedical engineering. If I am married, then it would be best to move out and start looking for a good company that I could put my roots into whether that is a new company or back to one where I have worked before. So far I am on route with my goal to graduate without any debt which would be fantastic so I want to keep that going of course.
I have plenty of other goals as well. I figure that I need to be more patient when it comes to dating. I should keep my friendships solid with my married friends, rekindle a couple of those and maybe they will have friends they could set me up with or extra food in their pantries, who knows? Then again, I also want to start working out. I never have really started and I think if I got serious about it then not only could I get healthier but I hope it would make me more attractive as well. I really don't know where it would go. So in the end, I really don't think my goals have changed much at all... keep on top of my health physically, socially, and spiritually, while keeping up my grades and education so I can get the best job possible. Now if only there was something more. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe it is the fact that there is always more that you can see yourself improving on and so it feels like you are always incomplete or hopefully when I meet that special someone then at least some of that feeling will go away.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Everything Has a Price
"Love is Hard"
by James Morrison
I see lovers in the streets
Walking without a care
They wear it out loud
Like there's something in the air
Oh well, I don't care
They're treading lightly
No - they don't sink in
There's no tracks to follow
They don't care where they're going
And if they're lucky, yeah
They'll, they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky
They'll get to feel
And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that you know that love is hard
Love takes hostages
And gives them pain
Gives someone the power
To hurt you again and again
Oh, but they don't care
Oh and if they're lucky, yeah
They'll, they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky
They'll, they'll get to feel
And if they're, they're truly blessed
Then they'll get to believe
And if you're damned
You'll never let yourself be deceived
And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know that love is hard
And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know
And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know that love is hard
Love is hard, love is hard
If it was easy it wouldn't mean nothing, no
by James Morrison
I see lovers in the streets
Walking without a care
They wear it out loud
Like there's something in the air
Oh well, I don't care
They're treading lightly
No - they don't sink in
There's no tracks to follow
They don't care where they're going
And if they're lucky, yeah
They'll, they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky
They'll get to feel
And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that you know that love is hard
Love takes hostages
And gives them pain
Gives someone the power
To hurt you again and again
Oh, but they don't care
Oh and if they're lucky, yeah
They'll, they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky
They'll, they'll get to feel
And if they're, they're truly blessed
Then they'll get to believe
And if you're damned
You'll never let yourself be deceived
And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know that love is hard
And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know
And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know that love is hard
Love is hard, love is hard
If it was easy it wouldn't mean nothing, no
Sunday, July 17, 2011
My Life at Home
I figured out that the grass always looks greener on the other side. I have been home for the summer and though things have been good... no rent, lots of family time, bought a car, working and making money, not having to worry about food or laundry, I still am wishing to be back in Utah. For most people that makes a lot of sense but for me it kinda bothers me. I don't like Utah or really living there. My social life and my education are both there in Utah but I love the east coast so much more. The friends here my age are just as busy as I am but all of our schedules fail to match almost as much as the time difference from my home here to my friends back in Provo. I have to confess that the hardest part is at times I let my heart get away with my head. I always have romantic notions of what could be or what could have been so nothing changes too fast. One of these days maybe I will meet the person I am looking for but in the meantime I have to wait. I have found that I can keep whatever notions I may have at bay by focusing on other things such as my scripture study, my family, and just trying to keep my friendships alive. I just feel so conflicted in what I know I should do and what I want to do that I realize this is how it feels to grow up. There are moments where there is just no fulfillment and I feel empty, monotonous in all that I do. I just choose to put on a smile and work hard so that I can learn to love the work but saying so would feel like lying. I do it to hide the loneliness. The worst part is that all I have to do is believe that things will get better and have faith. And that is the part, I fear that though I am reading and trying to pray, I don't know how much faith I really have. I don't know if he can truly heal me. And by this I mean, how can I learn to love someone else and truly be happy if I can't even do that when I am by myself? How can I learn to be happy being me? How can I feel complete when I know that my other half is somewhere out there?
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Death
So out of all the things I could do on a beautiful summer day, my parents and I happen to head to a funeral. I am not a big crier so I wasn't too keen on going but we did and I did. The man who had died was my friend and adviser in our priest's quorum growing up. He had Parkinson's disease so it was a long hard battle but he died probably a week ago so we gave our condolences to the family and stayed for the service after the wake, which not trying to be irreverent but I never understood why they call it that because if he indeed did wake up we would probably just kill him because of the shock it would cause. Maybe it's just me.
The reason I am writing about this is because it really came to a head today as I was in the pew listening to stories about his life. He was a Renaissance Man of sorts. He had multiple degrees, intelligent, a lover, a fighter, a free spirit, a world traveler, a father and husband, a Son of God. His children talked about their relationships with him and the relationship he had with their mother. His last moments in life where not spent thinking about affect that his leaving would have on his life, but hers. He loved her from the moment they met to the day he died. He loved their kids in that same way too. They were all his favorites. The big thing that really hit home is that he died peacefully. After such a long and painful fight with that debilitating disease, he died peacefully.
No matter if you die suddenly or over a long period of time, we all die and the passing is peaceful. You leave here to go back to live with God and you will be brought back to the happiest time in your life, which for me so far was when I was closest to God which was when I was on my mission. I really did feel very peaceful on my mission. I had no worries, no stress, and all I had to do was live and share and teach others about how to develop the most important relationship I have in my life which is with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I don't know how to explain the feelings and thoughts I had as I sat there and pondered my relationship I had with this man and how he helped me along and prepared me spiritually for my life. All I know is it felt good. It felt great. Not just to be able to let out some pent up emotions and tears but the Spirit in the meeting. It just is so reassuring that as one of the speakers said in the service that death is not really a punctuation mark. It isn't a period, a question mark, or even an exclamation point. It is a comma. This life is neither the beginning nor the end of life but only a small portion of the overall journey. Thank God for His love and mercy in giving us the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Conflicted
I think it is amazing that there is always a price to be paid, a sacrifice for happiness. Take our emotions for example. The companion and the contradiction to pain, suffering, war, loneliness, and forgotten loves are pleasure, happiness, peace, love, and fond memories. There is literally nothing in the middle. "Let me ask you something. Why are you alive? You exist to continue your existence. What's the point? To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking." The interesting thing about it is that an event can cause such a variety of emotions based on our perspective and the situation itself. Death of a loved one versus the death of a tyrant. Life and love are connected and intertwined on every level. Every situation is different and it is the perspective we take that helps us choose how we respond. The feelings that come as you love a stranger are a different kind of love than when you love your best friend, but it is love still the same.
The point I am trying to stress is that we can't always choose our circumstance but we have control over our emotions. We choose to feel. We choose the heartache and the love. It is ours to have and ours to choose. "The first thing you learn about emotion is that it has its price. A complete paradox. But without restraint, without control, emotion is chaos. The difference is being that when we want to feel, we can." Maybe that is why it is called falling in love. You lose all control and your emotions run away with you. You can't stop thinking about them day and night. You do things out of the norm. You have that bounce in your step and smile in your face. It takes control and when it finally settles... well, I hope that you find yourself waking up to see her
beautiful face asleep in your arms. And as you sleep the day away, you close your eyes only hoping that she follows you back into your dreams. It is something that you can only hope you will never wake from or if you do that you can find it again just as fast. You are like choosing whether to stay inside with a warm blanket and a movie or to just go out and drive until you leave the city behind so you can see the stars. There is no wrong answer but still I am so conflicted, as I sit here waiting with my phone in hand trying to figure out what is the next step. There are so many questions that I want you to answer but I will leave them unsaid. Unsaid until I can't hold it in any longer and I burst and say everything that is in my heart. Why does restraint feel like being in reverse when it is just supposed to help me keep this all under control? I guess this is what it is meant by Hard Goodbyes...
"The clock strikes one
And you're still running in circles in my mind
And it's the best things have ever been
The best things have ever been
"The clock strikes two
And I'm still falling for you
And with every tick of the tock that's on the clock
I'm longing for you
"So I'll curse the ceiling
'Cause it's the only thing that's keeping me from lying under the stars
And I'll curse the distance between you and me
'Cause if it weren't for it you'd be here in my arms
"I wish that you were here to guide
My weary head to rest
Because every word I sing without you
Is a waste of my breath
Hold me up don't let me down
Just stay with me tonight
Whisper in my ear I love you
So sweet dreams sleep tight
"And I head for the door but you stop me short
Because it's getting harder to say goodbye
Lean in where our lips can meet
And please don't let me go
Just hold me here with you tonight
"And you count the beats
Of my rapidly beating heart
And I feel so alive
Wrapped up here in your arms
And you count the breaths
As I drift off to sleep
And I feel so in love
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
"So I'll curse the ceiling
'Cause it's the only thing that's keeping me from lying under the stars
And I'll curse the distance between you and me
'Cause if it weren't for it you'd be here in my arms"
The point I am trying to stress is that we can't always choose our circumstance but we have control over our emotions. We choose to feel. We choose the heartache and the love. It is ours to have and ours to choose. "The first thing you learn about emotion is that it has its price. A complete paradox. But without restraint, without control, emotion is chaos. The difference is being that when we want to feel, we can." Maybe that is why it is called falling in love. You lose all control and your emotions run away with you. You can't stop thinking about them day and night. You do things out of the norm. You have that bounce in your step and smile in your face. It takes control and when it finally settles... well, I hope that you find yourself waking up to see her
beautiful face asleep in your arms. And as you sleep the day away, you close your eyes only hoping that she follows you back into your dreams. It is something that you can only hope you will never wake from or if you do that you can find it again just as fast. You are like choosing whether to stay inside with a warm blanket and a movie or to just go out and drive until you leave the city behind so you can see the stars. There is no wrong answer but still I am so conflicted, as I sit here waiting with my phone in hand trying to figure out what is the next step. There are so many questions that I want you to answer but I will leave them unsaid. Unsaid until I can't hold it in any longer and I burst and say everything that is in my heart. Why does restraint feel like being in reverse when it is just supposed to help me keep this all under control? I guess this is what it is meant by Hard Goodbyes..."The clock strikes one
And you're still running in circles in my mind
And it's the best things have ever been
The best things have ever been
"The clock strikes two
And I'm still falling for you
And with every tick of the tock that's on the clock
I'm longing for you
"So I'll curse the ceiling
'Cause it's the only thing that's keeping me from lying under the stars
And I'll curse the distance between you and me
'Cause if it weren't for it you'd be here in my arms
"I wish that you were here to guide
My weary head to rest
Because every word I sing without you
Is a waste of my breath
Hold me up don't let me down
Just stay with me tonight
Whisper in my ear I love you
So sweet dreams sleep tight
"And I head for the door but you stop me short
Because it's getting harder to say goodbye
Lean in where our lips can meet
And please don't let me go
Just hold me here with you tonight
"And you count the beats
Of my rapidly beating heart
And I feel so alive
Wrapped up here in your arms
And you count the breaths
As I drift off to sleep
And I feel so in love
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
"So I'll curse the ceiling
'Cause it's the only thing that's keeping me from lying under the stars
And I'll curse the distance between you and me
'Cause if it weren't for it you'd be here in my arms"
Monday, June 27, 2011
Summer Update
There are a couple of things that I really want to do this summer:
- I want to eat lobster on the coast
- See a performance of the outdoor theater at Prescott Park
- Go on a date to Mel's in Litchfield
- Learn a couple more songs on my guitar
- Spend a night at the drive-in
- Finish reading the Book of Mormon
- Go weekly to the temple if at all possible
- Check out all the Young Single Adult wards in the area to find new friends (and to be able to say that I have)
- Spend a day in Boston and visit the Aquarium or Science Museum
- Just relax and have some fun
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Never Get Enough
"I honestly can't think of anything that would make me more happy than holding you in my arms for the rest of life and watching you fall asleep."
I found this single sentence in my portfolio of old posts. This one sentence was the entirety of my thoughts at that moment. What is truly sad is that I never published it and whoever it was, I can't remember any more, may not have known that I even had feelings for her or that I even existed. All I ask is that if you see someone whether you know them or not, at the very least, THE VERY LEAST, please just smile. Sometimes that can be the encouragement someone needs to open up and put themselves out there. If the hardest fight we will ever face is with ourselves, then just imagine for a moment the conflict someone has to feel to hold back expressing any amount of love to another human being. I know because I have been there... the words unsaid, the embraces not given, the calls unmade and unanswered. If there is one thing in the world in which too little is given freely and which we can never get enough, it is simply love. So please, never hold back on something so precious as love because many times it is in giving it that we really feel it and begin to understand it for ourselves.
I found this single sentence in my portfolio of old posts. This one sentence was the entirety of my thoughts at that moment. What is truly sad is that I never published it and whoever it was, I can't remember any more, may not have known that I even had feelings for her or that I even existed. All I ask is that if you see someone whether you know them or not, at the very least, THE VERY LEAST, please just smile. Sometimes that can be the encouragement someone needs to open up and put themselves out there. If the hardest fight we will ever face is with ourselves, then just imagine for a moment the conflict someone has to feel to hold back expressing any amount of love to another human being. I know because I have been there... the words unsaid, the embraces not given, the calls unmade and unanswered. If there is one thing in the world in which too little is given freely and which we can never get enough, it is simply love. So please, never hold back on something so precious as love because many times it is in giving it that we really feel it and begin to understand it for ourselves.
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