Everything Has a Price

"Love is Hard"
by James Morrison

I see lovers in the streets
Walking without a care
They wear it out loud
Like there's something in the air
Oh well, I don't care

They're treading lightly
No - they don't sink in
There's no tracks to follow
They don't care where they're going

And if they're lucky, yeah
They'll, they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky
They'll get to feel

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that you know that love is hard

Love takes hostages
And gives them pain
Gives someone the power
To hurt you again and again
Oh, but they don't care

Oh and if they're lucky, yeah
They'll, they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky
They'll, they'll get to feel

And if they're, they're truly blessed
Then they'll get to believe
And if you're damned
You'll never let yourself be deceived

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know that love is hard

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know that love is hard
Love is hard, love is hard
If it was easy it wouldn't mean nothing, no

My Life at Home

I figured out that the grass always looks greener on the other side. I have been home for the summer and though things have been good... no rent, lots of family time, bought a car, working and making money, not having to worry about food or laundry, I still am wishing to be back in Utah. For most people that makes a lot of sense but for me it kinda bothers me. I don't like Utah or really living there. My social life and my education are both there in Utah but I love the east coast so much more. The friends here my age are just as busy as I am but all of our schedules fail to match almost as much as the time difference from my home here to my friends back in Provo. I have to confess that the hardest part is at times I let my heart get away with my head. I always have romantic notions of what could be or what could have been so nothing changes too fast. One of these days maybe I will meet the person I am looking for but in the meantime I have to wait. I have found that I can keep whatever notions I may have at bay by focusing on other things such as my scripture study, my family, and just trying to keep my friendships alive. I just feel so conflicted in what I know I should do and what I want to do that I realize this is how it feels to grow up. There are moments where there is just no fulfillment and I feel empty, monotonous in all that I do. I just choose to put on a smile and work hard so that I can learn to love the work but saying so would feel like lying. I do it to hide the loneliness. The worst part is that all I have to do is believe that things will get better and have faith. And that is the part, I fear that though I am reading and trying to pray, I don't know how much faith I really have. I don't know if he can truly heal me. And by this I mean, how can I learn to love someone else and truly be happy if I can't even do that when I am by myself? How can I learn to be happy being me? How can I feel complete when I know that my other half is somewhere out there?

Death

So out of all the things I could do on a beautiful summer day, my parents and I happen to head to a funeral. I am not a big crier so I wasn't too keen on going but we did and I did. The man who had died was my friend and adviser in our priest's quorum growing up. He had Parkinson's disease so it was a long hard battle but he died probably a week ago so we gave our condolences to the family and stayed for the service after the wake, which not trying to be irreverent but I never understood why they call it that because if he indeed did wake up we would probably just kill him because of the shock it would cause. Maybe it's just me.

The reason I am writing about this is because it really came to a head today as I was in the pew listening to stories about his life. He was a Renaissance Man of sorts. He had multiple degrees, intelligent, a lover, a fighter, a free spirit, a world traveler, a father and husband, a Son of God. His children talked about their relationships with him and the relationship he had with their mother. His last moments in life where not spent thinking about affect that his leaving would have on his life, but hers. He loved her from the moment they met to the day he died. He loved their kids in that same way too. They were all his favorites. The big thing that really hit home is that he died peacefully. After such a long and painful fight with that debilitating disease, he died peacefully.

No matter if you die suddenly or over a long period of time, we all die and the passing is peaceful. You leave here to go back to live with God and you will be brought back to the happiest time in your life, which for me so far was when I was closest to God which was when I was on my mission. I really did feel very peaceful on my mission. I had no worries, no stress, and all I had to do was live and share and teach others about how to develop the most important relationship I have in my life which is with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I don't know how to explain the feelings and thoughts I had as I sat there and pondered my relationship I had with this man and how he helped me along and prepared me spiritually for my life. All I know is it felt good. It felt great. Not just to be able to let out some pent up emotions and tears but the Spirit in the meeting. It just is so reassuring that as one of the speakers said in the service that death is not really a punctuation mark. It isn't a period, a question mark, or even an exclamation point. It is a comma. This life is neither the beginning nor the end of life but only a small portion of the overall journey. Thank God for His love and mercy in giving us the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Conflicted

I think it is amazing that there is always a price to be paid, a sacrifice for happiness. Take our emotions for example. The companion and the contradiction to pain, suffering, war, loneliness, and forgotten loves are pleasure, happiness, peace, love, and fond memories. There is literally nothing in the middle. "Let me ask you something. Why are you alive? You exist to continue your existence. What's the point? To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking." The interesting thing about it is that an event can cause such a variety of emotions based on our perspective and the situation itself. Death of a loved one versus the death of a tyrant. Life and love are connected and intertwined on every level. Every situation is different and it is the perspective we take that helps us choose how we respond. The feelings that come as you love a stranger are a different kind of love than when you love your best friend, but it is love still the same.

The point I am trying to stress is that we can't always choose our circumstance but we have control over our emotions. We choose to feel. We choose the heartache and the love. It is ours to have and ours to choose. "The first thing you learn about emotion is that it has its price. A complete paradox. But without restraint, without control, emotion is chaos. The difference is being that when we want to feel, we can." Maybe that is why it is called falling in love. You lose all control and your emotions run away with you. You can't stop thinking about them day and night. You do things out of the norm. You have that bounce in your step and smile in your face. It takes control and when it finally settles... well, I hope that you find yourself waking up to see her beautiful face asleep in your arms. And as you sleep the day away, you close your eyes only hoping that she follows you back into your dreams. It is something that you can only hope you will never wake from or if you do that you can find it again just as fast. You are like choosing whether to stay inside with a warm blanket and a movie or to just go out and drive until you leave the city behind so you can see the stars. There is no wrong answer but still I am so conflicted, as I sit here waiting with my phone in hand trying to figure out what is the next step. There are so many questions that I want you to answer but I will leave them unsaid. Unsaid until I can't hold it in any longer and I burst and say everything that is in my heart. Why does restraint feel like being in reverse when it is just supposed to help me keep this all under control? I guess this is what it is meant by Hard Goodbyes...

"The clock strikes one
And you're still running in circles in my mind
And it's the best things have ever been
The best things have ever been

"The clock strikes two
And I'm still falling for you
And with every tick of the tock that's on the clock
I'm longing for you

"So I'll curse the ceiling
'Cause it's the only thing that's keeping me from lying under the stars
And I'll curse the distance between you and me
'Cause if it weren't for it you'd be here in my arms

"I wish that you were here to guide
My weary head to rest
Because every word I sing without you
Is a waste of my breath
Hold me up don't let me down
Just stay with me tonight
Whisper in my ear I love you
So sweet dreams sleep tight

"And I head for the door but you stop me short
Because it's getting harder to say goodbye
Lean in where our lips can meet
And please don't let me go
Just hold me here with you tonight

"And you count the beats
Of my rapidly beating heart
And I feel so alive
Wrapped up here in your arms
And you count the breaths
As I drift off to sleep
And I feel so in love
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
Knowing you have fallen in love with me
Knowing you have fallen in love with me

"So I'll curse the ceiling
'Cause it's the only thing that's keeping me from lying under the stars
And I'll curse the distance between you and me
'Cause if it weren't for it you'd be here in my arms"

Summer Update

There are a couple of things that I really want to do this summer:

• I want to eat lobster on the coast
• See a performance of the outdoor theater at Prescott Park
• Go on a date to Mel's in Litchfield
• Learn a couple more songs on my guitar
• Spend a night at the drive-in
• Finish reading the Book of Mormon
• Go weekly to the temple if at all possible
• Check out all the Young Single Adult wards in the area to find new friends (and to be able to say that I have)
• Spend a day in Boston and visit the Aquarium or Science Museum
• Just relax and have some fun

And if some summer lovin' happens as well... well, I wouldn't mind. It has been a while.

Never Get Enough

"I honestly can't think of anything that would make me more happy than holding you in my arms for the rest of life and watching you fall asleep."

I found this single sentence in my portfolio of old posts. This one sentence was the entirety of my thoughts at that moment. What is truly sad is that I never published it and whoever it was, I can't remember any more, may not have known that I even had feelings for her or that I even existed. All I ask is that if you see someone whether you know them or not, at the very least, THE VERY LEAST, please just smile. Sometimes that can be the encouragement someone needs to open up and put themselves out there. If the hardest fight we will ever face is with ourselves, then just imagine for a moment the conflict someone has to feel to hold back expressing any amount of love to another human being. I know because I have been there... the words unsaid, the embraces not given, the calls unmade and unanswered. If there is one thing in the world in which too little is given freely and which we can never get enough, it is simply love. So please, never hold back on something so precious as love because many times it is in giving it that we really feel it and begin to understand it for ourselves.

Finding Answers

I try to avoid being super preachy or talking directly about my religion on this blog, but if I am going to talk about my passions then it is unavoidable. These last few weeks I have been really trying to focus on building up my relationship with my Heavenly Father and strengthening my spirit. Taking weekly trips to the temple in support of my friend who is preparing for his mission, reading the scriptures every day with the help of a scheduled study site, and just trying to work through rebuilding my prayers. My life here is but a brief moment in time, not only in the history of the earth but in the eternal nature of my soul. If there is one thing from that perspective that I need to remember is how vital it is to feed my spirit and to help it grow.

I have a testimony of the gospel. That has never changed. It continues to grow though it does have its peaks and its valleys, I can say that I never have doubted that the one thing constant in my life is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. No matter what my perspective and standing in that relationship is, He is ever present. It is my knowledge of this unchanging love that I have never had the flame of my testimony been extinguished.

I know that God loves me. I know that He has provided for me a way to find happiness and answers to all of life's questions. He has given me the prophets of old and His chosen servants in this modern dispensation. He has given me the Spirit. If I am true and faithful to my covenants, I am happy and whole. I have now a personal testimony of the promise of the Book of Mormon that whosoever reads and abides by the precepts taught in that book, it will bring you nearer to God than by any other means. It has rebuilt my desire to be who I need to be. It gives me hope for the future: my family, my life, and the love and service that I can share for eternity. There is not a person in the world who has committed serious sin that didn't begin first by losing the habit of personal daily scripture study and meaningful prayer. There is no other way that we can grow closer to the Spirit and hear, recognize, and learn to follow the voice of the Lord. Revelation and the Book of Mormon are the key to heaven and finding the answers to the soul.

I know this to be true with every fiber of my being. I know that God lives, loves, and listens to His children throughout the world and that His plan can help any person no matter their station in life. I know the power of the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. I know that the reality of His life and His resurrection. God has called prophets once again in our day and I pray that we will do everything in our power to hearken to their counsel as they hearken to the counsel of the Father. I pray that I might be lead through these tools that God has made available to me that one day I might blessed to lead my future family in truth and that I may return and be welcomed back into His presence with open arms. I can't even begin to describe the amount of joy it brings, that happiest of reunions with all of my loved ones, but I can say that the very thought of it brings me to tears. I pray that we may all remember and we may do what our hearts and our heads direct us to do and that we may have the strength to persevere. My heart goes out to you and my love is with you. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Rolling Waves of Life

I was talking with my mom today when we had some free time. We talked about how things have been and I realized that life is made up of a lot of little things. Every week we have our ups and our downs. This last week I got a driving ticket for changing lanes and it was considered reckless driving. I tried calling the officer but I never heard back from him. I got an email from a teacher saying I had been referred by a past professor to help him on a research project. I haven't heard back from him either. I also got a scholarship for school. There are the ups and the downs, but it is what you make of it that matters. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. In fact, I can see where I could be in my life right now but at the same point in time I have learned a lot about myself and my weaknesses and my strengths. It is humbling though to realize that there is so much I need to do and how much help I will need to get there.

If there is one thing I do know about myself is that I have learned how to see the best in every situation. There are things that could put me down but if you wait long enough, just like a raincloud, things have a way of clearing themselves up and the little things just go away. But you have to choose to rise above them and sometimes it takes everything you have. But I guess what I am trying to say is that in the long run, if you have to focus on the little things in your life, you get to pick where your perspective falls. If you are going to make mountains out of molehills at least choose to make a big deal of the good things that happen.