Torn By a Friend

Sometimes I wonder why I care. Is it merely because that is what separates me from everything else in the world? Or is it so I can learn more about myself? How vulnerable can I really be? It destroys me when things fall apart. I don't know whether I need to try harder or try less, because I just hope that you will be happy. All I know is that the dreams I had, the plans I made, and things I knew... they are just gone. I thought there would be tears, heartbreak, and it's not because I didn't love you. I did and probably more than you will ever get to know but it is because I trusted you. I don't know if I can do that again. It is not so much that you lied but that you forgot. I gave you something that meant so much to me and you left it there on the floor, like a present unwrapped only so far as to see what it was and dropped because it wasn't exactly what you wanted. I don't even know if you even really looked at it before you threw it away. And so there I lie, broken and forgotten, torn and bitter, but lovingly forgiving because I hope you are happy. Your choices are exactly that... your own. So what is wrong with me? Why do I not hate you or breakdown because of the pain I feel? It is almost like if I did I would be weak, or be admitting aloud that you meant to me exactly how you really do or that there might actually be something wrong with me when there is really not. I guess I am just not him and so here I am confused. And it is sad, because typically I am so confident and sure. You never even told me that you had past me by and I wouldn't have ever even known if it wasn't for the grapevine. Thanks for that because you know what, I am only just a friend.

You're Gonna Miss This

One of the things that I do is think a lot. I think about how I want my world to be, how I want my life to turn out, and who I want to be. I think about my family as of late. It is amazing how quiet a house is when you are the only one at home. I miss the noise, the music, the life that my family brings. I miss all the little things. It made me think how much I want to be a big part of my future family. I know that is a little premature, but nonetheless, in all seriousness, I don't want to miss a thing. I need to be there for my kids, to be there for the smiles, the laughter, the tears. I need to be there for my wife. I want to hold her tight and tell her that I will love her forever. I don't know what prompted this thought. Maybe it is the fact that for a month this summer I have been here at home alone working. It isn't worth it. Maybe it was the fact that this summer a dozen of my friends met someone special and ended up tying the knot. Whatever the reason, I don't ever want to be alone.

Wants and Needs

There is a real difference between what we call wants and needs. I find this fascinating because many times we confuse the two so readily, that we can't recognize which is which. I need to pay for college and so this summer I work my butt off and eventually my desire or wanting to have fun and relax becomes a need after pulling 70 hour weeks. But sometimes what we want and what we think we need we can not have. What we can have or what we need is already inside us just needing to be found. I want to love and be loved. I want peace and acceptance. I want... I need these things. Whether these complement us or clash, a ying or a yang, in turn they complete us. They are a way for us to see into our souls.

We may try to define or prioritize our lives in such a way as this, I think we can really just label it all as Desire. The smiles that leave us breathless, the grin that brings a blush, or the person that sees us as geniuses but accepts us when we play the part of the fool. We may think we stand alone, but what we do is stand together. All the love, acceptance, and ability to be me is already mine. With a little patience, confidence, and persistance to live what I know to be true principles, what really is most important to me will always be here, standing right beside me. And again the only thing that can stop me is me, so I need to exercise a little self-control and in the end I will get exactly what I want and need, all that I desire.

Get Lost in the Rain

Happiness is an interesting thing, and I like thinking about interesting things. Happiness seems in many peoples' lives conditional instead of a choice. Now why is that? Does life have to be a bed of roses for us to have smiles on our faces or can we just accept that life is hard? I truly believe that all we need to do to be happy is to choose to be. If we make the best of our situation and accept our efforts we are able to live in our circumstances. They do not define us by any means. Some of the best minds and people I have come to know live in the hardest circumstances. But they get by and life for them is good.

Now that is an idea... make a "Life is Good" t-shirt with someone at work, like a postal worker getting chased by a dog or a man at a desk buried in paperwork. Seriously though, no matter what is raining on our parade, in time a rainbow is sure to follow. So let us embrace those hard times, because they are the good times. It is when we learn and grow, fail and fail again, but eventually we will succeed, those are the good times. So don't get bogged down but embrace it and accept it ... a character building experience. And I know, character sucks especially while you are building it. But be happy and enjoy life for what it is, and take some time to get lost in the rain.

Fool's Gold

I have realized like most that there is no such thing as the perfect person, or the perfect woman for that matter. There are always shortcomings, insecurities, weaknesses, problems, but that is only one side of the coin. There is a whole other side to a person as well and when we are willing to accept a person in thier entirety and they accept us, we are golden. Then we can become the perfect person with their help. The cost of love is not as important as the value. We continue to look and search and hunt for that fool's gold. That person who we know is not really as good as they look, they still appear to look pretty dang good. We are looking for someone that could fool us into thinking they are truly golden. And it is not so much that, as it is that we are fools when we are in love. And it makes me think, if that is what I am looking for, how do I appear to other people? Am I good enough to be someone's golden boy or just a fool? I just wish I had known Kurt Lagner and had asked him what he meant when he said, "Love is a gift. You can't buy it, you can't find it, someone has to give it to you. Learn to be receptive to that gift." I guess a little patience and a little practice is in order, because how else are you to learn something than to practice it, ya know? I think I know so much but really I am just an inexperienced fool when it comes to love.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

Me... We... You

I have always wondered what it meant to find yourself. I think I finally understand what I have to do. It wasn't about me. It was about others. When we are striving to understand who we really are, we look too much at ourselves. I found that as we lose ourselves in sacrifice and service we find love and purpose in life. We start as children thinking only of ourselves. Our needs, our wants, and no one else. Then as we grow we see that we need other people and their approval. We need them. We need their love, attention, etc. And finally, we get to the point where we don't need ourselves at all. We have reached the point that the only thing that matters to us is others and their happiness. The trick to life is practice. Receiving inspiration, selflessness, everything... it all takes practice. It takes desire, being in the right place, at the right time. But most of all I need to just simply try and try again. Eventually we learn all that we needed to. For example, the lesson I learned today was simple. God is the source of all our happiness, our joy, our blessings. What we forget is that he is the source. We begin to believe that we found joy in our blessings. God gave us the blessings. God gave us the joy. There are people out there that have the same blessings you do but they do not have joy. God is the source, not the blessing itself. We get distracted from what we have, and forget where or who it came from. It is the same with people. Love comes from the sacrifice and willingness of others. It is someone. It is not the type of person that they are, nor the ways that you express it, but the person themselves. The fact that you would do anything for them. This all comes from losing oneself. It is not about me or even we. It isn't selfish or self-full. It is learning to become selfless. If I want to find out more about me, then I need to spend a little more time loving you.

Part of the Problem

Tonight I had to say something tough to a group of girls. My sister had friends over and they needed my help with something and as I was working on it, they kept talking. These girls are young. They are at most 15 years old if not younger. One of them was talking about how awkward it was for her when her friend was making out with her boyfriend. Awkward for her? How about awkward for me! When they noticed that I had heard them, they laughed and then I asked a couple of questions trying to find out more about the situation and so they asked a couple back. I wish I could have said more…

Long story short, I told them that I had not kissed a girl until I was in college. They were dumbfounded. I said that I didn’t want to kiss someone just for fun but because I wanted it to mean something. At most, besides the long faces of utter shock, I got a fist pump from the audience. The sad thing was that there was so much more I wanted to say to them. I wanted to tell them not to give away something that they couldn’t get back. I wanted them to know how important it really is. That it isn’t just a game that we play. Every part matters. What does a kiss mean? Can someone even appreciate it when all they do is make out? What is the point? And what do you do after that loses its flavor?

I wanted to tell them that they needed to be patient. They will meet someone who truly loves them for who they are and that they shouldn’t just throw what is most precious away. For in all honesty, at this point in their life, they might think they love someone but they have to beware that they are truly being loved in return. They have to be aware that they are not just being used for someone else’s gratification. But I could not bring myself to say these things. I feel that would have been hypocritical.