Lyrics...

There are so many songs out that I like, Crush by David Archuleta, Fallin' For You by Colbie Caillat, Everything by Michael Buble, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, My Wish by Rascal Flatts, Keeper by Yellowcard, Perfect Chemistry by Nevertheless, and so many more. If I could sum up my thoughts and feelings in a word... dreamer. I love to dream and I dream about love.

I feel like if there is anything I could do, it is fall too quickly and say too much when it comes to my heart. My poker face is a smile. I can't do it and there is nothing to explain. Even though I have a lot of fun, I hate playing all these games that leave me cold and empty. Whether I listen to your silence or your speeches, all I hear is a nothingness that makes my ears bleed. It is a lot of meaningless. You are saying nothing at all. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't just try to fill the air because it is there. I can't love a facade and so I never put one up, because I want to be loved for me. Don't be who you think you should be, but be yourself. It takes so much less effort and so much more courage and strength to be yourself. Can you even remember who you are anymore with all of the pretending. Why does being ourselves feel so wrong?

The craziest part of this pulling desire is that I can't stop searching no matter the cost or the pain. It is like a drug, an addiction, a bleeding scar. It is a lonesome battle of the heart. I live my fears when the ones that I love can't love me in return and at times I become my own nightmare for those that I call friends. Just friends... what irony because I hope to love my best friend. What a crazy idea. It is a thought that escapes me. It eludes me. It is in all reality, a dream. Something I have yet to find, and in the meantime burns a hole in my soul every day as time passes me by.

I guess this is why I love music: It lifts me up for that small moment to breathe life into a lonely broken heart. It is broken but not beaten. I don't give up easily because if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth fighting for. And so the music keeps me keeping on, one heartbreak, one heartache, one heartbeat at a time. Lyrics have always been my great escape.

Kreativ Blogger

My dear friend Britt of No One Can Remember the End has nominated me for the Kreativ Blogger award! Britt is pretty much one of the most extraordinary people I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know and to love. She is incredible and her blog reflects how passionate she really is. The world is missing out the longer this legend stays in the shadows. So let's shed some light on her and check her out today!

According to the rules, I must:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

Here comes the lucky seven...

1. I love art. I love looking art. Buying art. Drawing, doodling, cartooning, painting, photography... I find meaning in the colors, the shades, the subjects, the style... I love looking at the world around me and try to capture the moments so that I can revisit them and relive them everyday. Art is something that helps me hold onto what I love most about my world. I have a collection, to say the least.

2. I used to hate the dark but I have come to embrace it. The night is when I come alive. I love to go on walks at night. It is peaceful and so alive at the same time. I love the lights of darkened sky. I love the sounds of the forest when the world is asleep.

3. If I am having a bad day, I escape by going and doing one of two things: listen to music or buy new music so I can listen to it.

4. One of my favorite comfort foods is sushi. It reminds of the times I spent with my dad.

5. I would rather split my food at restaurants with those whom I am eating with, if it was more socially acceptable, that way we could try more meals.

6. I play the alto saxophone, the piano, and when I sing, I claim to be a bass.

7. I have an addiction to travelling and I want to see the world, at least every continent.

And now the winners are...

Karin and ...and Then I Found Five Dollars

Ty and big.T.money

Bre and Breanna Meldrum

Sky and Shaylynn and Our Homeworld

Macdonalds and Oregon Eugene Mission

Laura and Britt and The Beginning of Blue January...

... in order to keep his anonymity we present last but not least...

#7 and A Writers' Block

No One Else Can...

No one else can love you like I can. Why won't you stop looking around? Stay with me. Look at me and at my soul. Don't look away from my eyes. Why do you refuse to see what I do here with me? I wouldn't do anything for you but everything and all you ask is that I do nothing at all. Why can't the world turn backwards in time to that day when I first saw you? I would take you in my arms and never let the feeling go of you. I wish you would hold me too. I hope that you would say what I having been wishing you had said all along. But you dance around it and bite your lip til it bleeds. That smile is like poison to the brain. I can't figure out what it means because your lips never say what they mean. Love is all too slow. Maybe that is why I am running... and I am alone. I can't stand the drama, how complicated it becomes, and all the excuses. There will always be a world full of reasons why things shouldn't work out but what about the one reason that says that it can. It should. Why can't that reason be us? Stop your talking and let's try. Stop guessing to see how it can fail. It is failing already because we haven't even begun. So let's stop trying to dig the grave and let's fall. Let's fall together. Let's fall in love.

Man of Miracles

God is so amazing. He is such a perfect gentleman. I was having a rough time these last couple of days but I am good at hiding it. I don't know why I do but I like to pretend. Things don't go away if you don't handle them, but I like to pretend. Eventually I had to come back to my problems and I couldn't handle it. It was too much. I decided to turn to Him in my weakness. I felt bad because we hadn't talked as much as we should have in the last little bit. He loves me when no one else does so He listened. He knew the prayer in my heart and as I started to speak He gave me my answer. The answer was Him. I needed to learn of Him. Study Him out. Seek Him. And as I search, I will find Him in the very last place I will look, in me. He is with us all but we can only truly find Him when we are trying to follow Him. He is there. At times, I stumble because of what He asks of me, but that is because of my pride. He was reaching out all the long and I chose not to reach for Him. I thought it would take more than trying to make it on my own.

It was amazing. I heard His voice, found Him speaking to me in song, and then He put angels in my path to let me know that I wasn't alone. He really does love me. I need to repent. I need to read. I need to pray. I need to go to the temple. I need to be ready. I need the Man of Miracles.

The Color Code Test

Last night one of my roommates, Scott and I were discussing an amazing book and personality test called the Color Code. It was funny because the first time I took this test seriously, it changed my perspective on myself and how I interact with other people. I still really need to read the book so I am probably going to check it out of the library some time this week, but anyways.

What I discovered was that my personality was a blue with a secondary of white. Let me explain for those who do not yet understand the color code. There are four colors: blue, white, yellow, red. These represent personality traits, desires, strengths, weaknesses, and so forth. Just go take the test! But what I remember is the desires of these four colors: red (power or control), yellow (entertain or have fun), white (peace), and blue (loyalty or intimacy). It is interesting because these are all good and bad qualities at the same time depending on the situation and sometimes they can become polarized. Yellow and white or red and blue. And sometimes, people can be a red blue... or a red with a secondary color of blue. The secondary color reflects a background personality and the first color is the primary personality.

I found our discussion interesting last night because I made some connections in the way that I communicate with people from the color code. If I was to describe myself when it comes to personal communication, I am fantastic in certain settings and I die in others. When there are big groups, I become quiet and reserved. I hate to be put in the spotlight. Don't get me wrong, I am fine when I am speaking to everyone, it is when there is a group of people and I want to talk to one specific person. I look for personal relationships with people and so when there are crowds I don't like standing out and breaking the mold, the breaking of the peace.

When I am able to be alone with someone though, I typically am able to open up and they open up in return. It becomes a full 360 degrees. We are able to joke, talk, touch, and really get to know each other. In a one-on-one situation, I really perform and can be my true self. This is a perfect reflection of my blue-white. I want to love people but I won't intrude. I will be the quiet gentleman and wait until they finally decide what they want. I want to be understood. I want romance. I want to have fun and to smile. I want to love and be loved. I am blue. I'm blue da ba dee da be die... I'm blue (if I was green I would die).

Just Sometimes

I'm the kind that sometimes sings in the shower. The kind that sometimes falls asleep in the shower. I'm the kind that sometimes drives too fast. Sometimes I move too fast. Sometimes I move too slow. I'm the kind that sometimes smiles for no reason. Sometimes I smile to see if anyone will smile back. I'm the kind that sometimes listens all too well. I'm the kind that sometimes thinks too much. Sometimes I'm completely random and spontaneous. Some days I need a plan. Sometimes I'm the kind that listens to music on the go. Sometimes I sing as I go. I'm the kind that sometimes will be the clown. Sometimes I am the one that dreams. Sometimes I am the one that gives into my fears and into my reality. Sometimes I am who I want to be. Sometimes I don't like who I have become. But no matter what happens or what I choose to do or see, I will always be no one else but me.

No Time To Talk

Communication is a subject of importance because without it we simply don’t understand each other. We communicate in so many ways, many of which are without words. When we communicate, what we say is important but it is the smallest percentage of what we truly “hear” when we take the time to listen. The tone in which we speak, the body language we portray, everything we do affects more than what we in all reality say. I find it fascinating because our society has changed so much from a personal face-to-face communication to an increasing electronic world. Are we really benefitting from it or are we killing our already incredibly “social” society.

I have come to the conclusion that we are losing the ability to communicate. The art of public speaking and writing are fading. In defense, we still have our actors and actresses, players and playwrights, politicians and political debaters, and we find our own way to communicate even to those who in the past were beyond our reach. We now can communicate all over the world! I, a poor college student, can literally see my parents every night if I so choose all the way across the country. Tell them how I feel, how I did that day, everything I so desire. We have modernized our way of speaking.

There is a lot of good with all of this. There is a lot of things that can be misinterpretted in nonverbal communication. With all of that out of the way, it is a lot easier to content communicate. Mean what you say, say what you mean. Simple. Easy. Blunt. For a fast pace world, it is efficient to not have to worry about all those mixed signals and get straight dry cut answers. Isn’t that the point of technology to make things efficient, fast, and simple? But what have we lost and at what cost? Personal communication is dying in the onslaught of technology.

How has this happened? It starts with being behind a computer, a phone, or a television screen. How truly “social” can we be? We talk about how we can communicate so quickly using these new tools. But is it really faster to have a conversation through text messaging when your fingers are typing everything on the keypad of a phone designed to hold that conversation verbally and can be said that much faster than many of us can type? It is the same with Instant Messaging. But you can have multiple conversations at the same time! Then are we really communicating with any of these people in the first place? Communication is two way. Not only the ability to deliver information but to accept it as well. I really don’t think someone is listening when they are listening to everyone at the same time. If we can do that then maybe we just don’t even care.

Still, I think we do care but a majority of us, as the oncoming generations, are losing this art of expressing ourselves fully. We get lost or miscommunicate because we lack the experience to understand the nonverbal communication, since it is no longer necessary. I think my youngest sister is noticing it the most since she is without a cell phone or a facebook and she is in middle school. She is so deprived because her modernized social network is dependant upon those things.

An example that strikes closer to home, I struggle at times to say the right thing at the right time. I think we all do, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I am one of those that at times, may over analyze, second guess myself, clam up a little bit at first, because I get nervous around some girls. I am worried if they will find me interesting, attractive, or if I will say something stupid. But that is just because I am interested. The more I thought about this, the more I realized that is why a lot of the time I may attract girls that personally I’m not interested in. Because when I’m not worried or thinking so much, I can be more of myself. I’m comfortable. Again, this all only applies to when I am talking to them in person. Why? Because otherwise, it doesn’t seem as real. There is no person there. It is a phone. There is no one there to take your breath away or laugh at you or distract you. But it is also because like I said, many of us lack the experience or haven’t developed this art of nonverbal communication. We don’t understand and so we question ourselves.

I find it funny to watch a boy on his cell phone texting a girl. He takes all the time in the world to come up with the perfect line, revising it, asking for suggestions from his friends on what they would say, and it becomes a joint project of testing out what actually works. It all makes me laugh. If he was actually in the moment, talking to her, how would he really respond? Would he stutter, stumble a little bit, laugh it off, ignore the question, or a thousand of other scenarios? This is what I think about. Our lack of understanding or use of nonverbal communication obviously affects our one-on-one face-to-face personal relationships. It affects them directly.

How can you foster it? I dunno. Practice? It is still a mystery to me and I definitely can’t translate girl. But I do know that it remains interesting as long as it doesn’t become awkward. Both parties have to be equally invested in a conversation and be actively involved. But you also can’t force it. You can’t force someone to be interested in what you have to say. Trust me. I have tried on numerous occasions with girls I really liked. It doesn’t work. So never try to be something you are not. Be yourself because that is what people are looking for anyways. To sell yourself, be yourself. It is that simple. And I understand that saying it is one thing, doing it is another.

We all put walls up at times. Sometimes, it is just the wrong time. Sometimes, it is the wrong person. Sometimes, it is the wrong time with the right person, and vice versa. Who knows? Maybe patience is the key because we all have a bad day once and again. Other times, it is best to be hundred percent open with things. But it is all trial and error. When Edison was being asked about all the trial and error he had with inventing the light bulb he said, "I didn't fail, I found 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb; I only need to find one way to make it work." It all works out in the end. It always does. We just need to be persistent in following our dreams and work step by step. Before I can understand women, I first need to be able to communicate with them. I know. A big dream, right? Understand women. But when it is right, it will be natural. It will be easy. We won't even have to try. So I guess the best way to find out, to do that myself and see if she will follow suit. And when it happens, I will be the happiest man alive. I might finally be understood.

The Poem I Wrote One Sunday Afternoon (March 18, 2007)

I often find that as I reflect on my life, at times I see that I have done wrong.
I wonder if I can be saved and with a prayer in my heart and my voice in song,
I see in my mind my Savior with all the little children around him and on his knee.
He looks up and calls me by name because he knows me, individually.
He talks to me, my exemplar, my brother, my friend.
His words are simple and strong but I don’t know if I can endure to the end.

Then I see him smile with love in his eyes, bringing to me the most peaceful calm.
I reach for his outstretched hand, grasping it over the hole in his palm.
He takes away my sins and burdens, lifts me up so I can stand,
So I will try to do the same for you, if you will just take my hand.
He heals me, completes me, saves my soul as I am up against the wall.
I pray to him and I know him, trusting through his love, he'll answer my call.

I want to walk where he walked, talk how he talked.
He was the best He could be, and so He died to save you and me.
Love is not just a feeling, but a state, a state of being.
It is what people do, how you treat people and how they treat you.
Just your actions and what you say, affects someone somewhere some day.
So live your life right, that when you leave this earth where you roam,
Our Father will say, well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home.